Page 80 of Breaking You Open

But Louis is probably busy drowning himself in whiskey right now, and with no one to save me, the dark abyss at the end of the cliff is tilting toward me head-on. I can try to struggle, I can try to protest, but words are useless in the face of that darkness. In the face of my fear.

Aaron’s hands are like sharp claws when he grabs me, and his mouth seems full of teeth, gleaming and gaping as he swallows me down.

Chapter 26

Louis

“What the fuck isyour problem?” Ravi snaps.

I turn from him and down another glass of whiskey. Closing time is approaching, and even if that wasn’t the case, most of the customers left after my outburst, and now none remain except for my miserable self.

Ravi lays his hand on my shoulder. “What are you waiting for? Go after him.”

“Touch me again, and you’ll regret it.”

Instead of fear, Ravi’s eyes are full of concern, and he doesn’t let me go until I shake him off.

“No need to be a fucking asshole about it.”

I know he’s right—Iknow—and yet it’s like I’m watching myself from the outside, with the whiskey loosening my cursed tongue and taking me on an emotional tailspin I’m too far gone to stop.

“If you won’t go after him, I will,” Ravi says. “He shouldn’t be out there alone.”

I rise from the barstool and slam the glass down. “The fuck you will.”

Ravi raises a brow. “Are you jealous? I’m not even fucking gay, Louis, you know that.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

It’s not about him being gay or not—it’s about connection. The fact that Sparrow seems more comfortable in Ravi’s company than mine makes me want to punch something, and the only one whose face is in front of me, ripe and ready to hit, is Ravi. My best friend, Ravi. The only one whose company I can stand in this godforsaken town, except for Sparrow’s, of course, but Sparrow’s company is no longer granted to me, and rightly so. I’m a jaded, grumpy piece of shit with a short fuse and bloody knuckles, and Sparrow deserves someone better. Someone kind.

I almost did to him what I did to Justin. I hurt him. I didn’t hit him, but he whimpered from my hands, and that’s bad enough. Even when I try so fucking hard to take care of the ones I love, I can’t do it. I just can’t. Sooner or later, my anger and fucked-up bullshit takes over.

Tonight, the whiskey will be my only company, and even when closing time has passed, I’ll drink myself into a stupor and wake up the next day and do it all over again. It’s the same way I dealt with Justin breaking up with me. How else can I handle the acute pain searing through my heart? Maybe I should become like my father tried to make me: a creature who feels only anger because anger doesn’t hurt.

Well, it doesn’t hurtme—it hurts other people instead.

With Sparrow, I thought I could be something different. When he gazed up at me with starry-eyed adoration, or when his cheeks dimpled with his smile, or when his body opened up to me, I thought maybe, maybe, I’d found another way to live.

But no—bad people don’t get happy endings, and I have nothing to offer him except my terrible, twisted love. He better run in the other direction, as far away from me as he can. He better leave this town, lest I come for him and beg for his forgiveness. For me, there is no forgiveness to be had. For me, there is no relief.

How many more times can I get kicked down before I can’t rise again? I feel it in my heart that the number is few, and for Sparrow, it’s likely even fewer.

He’s alone now, wandering in the darkness, and I’m the one who put him there. I’m the one who banished him out to the cold. He’ll heal eventually—he’s young, and his heart is malleable and pure, while mine is old and set in its ways. He was a soothing Band-Aid for my aching soul, and I ripped it off before the wound started to fester, so Sparrow can heal anew and become the one he’s supposed to be.

Without me.

He’s so strong—a lot stronger than he knows—and he’ll land on his feet soon enough. I, on the other hand, will linger here, in this godforsaken town with its godforsaken people, and never again will I allow myself to feel the touch of someone as sweet and pure and kindhearted as him.

“What about that ex of his?” Ravi asks suddenly.

“What about him?”

None of us have seen Aaron since that rainy night Sparrow came to seek refuge in my home. He might have left town by now. Who would stay in an unfamiliar town for months in the hope of running into his ex-boyfriend? No one. I know I wouldn’t. The same day Justin broke up with me, I asked the president of my club to transfer me to another city, and I ended up here.

Why wait for someone who doesn’t want you back? Why try to win someone over who you clearly don’t deserve?

“Maybe he’s better off with him,” I mutter.

---