Page 62 of Breaking You Open

I aim with shaky arms toward a wooden target.

“And when you’re ready, pu—”

I squeeze my finger hard on the trigger. There’s a blast, and the recoil startles me enough to make me flinch and miss the target.

“There you go,” Louis says. “Wasn’t so scary, was it?”

No…it wasn’t. I lower the gun, still with my finger on the trigger.

“Careful, now,” Louis says. “Always be aware of the deadly weapon in your hands. Let’s try again.”

I hug the gun with both my hands, feeling the weight of it. The power. I imagine Aaron’s face on one of the targets. His vicious smile, his soft smile, how he used to degrade me, lift me up, reassure me, destroy me…

Taking a deep breath and steadying my feet, I aim and pull the trigger once again, and once again, the recoil sends me flinching and squeezing my eyes shut.

“Try again,” Louis says. “You were so close.”

I inhale through my nose and exhale slowly through my mouth. I can do it. Louis said I can do it.

Again I picture Aaron’s face on the target. Again I see his smile, his blue eyes glittering with cruelty and malice…He saw me for the one I was, and he knew what I needed…

No. Fuck him. Fuck him!

I pull the trigger. Shoot. And hit the target bull’s-eye.

Ravi whoops behind me. “Hell yeah!”

I shoot again. And again. I pepper the target with bullets, gritting my teeth, imagining Aaron’s smile shattering as the bullets penetrate his skull. I imagine blood seeping out of a hole in his eye, and he’s not smiling anymore. He’s not smiling ever again.

Vaguely, I register how Louis says my name, but I don’t stop. All I can focus on are thephishof the bullets finding their home and Aaron’s blood squirting out of his body, his chest now, his heart.

You’re so small and weak, just like a bird. Just like a little sparrow…

Laughter echoes in my head, giving way to a quick flash of memories.

Aaron’s hands in the kitchen cupping my cheek when Madame turned the other way. Aaron’s fingers pinching my side. Aaron’s grunt of pleasure when he pushed inside me…

Even though I hate him, part of me still misses the way he made me feel, and that’s the worst of everything. Worse than the pain, worse than the heartache. I can’t let Louis know; he’d never understand. I have to keep this with me: all the hurt, the longing, and the terrible, searing shame.

The gun clicks as I fitfully try to fire once more. Louis’s hands envelop mine, taking the gun from me, and next thing I know, I’m hunched on the ground, shaking and crying.

“Shit, what’s up with him?” Ravi asks.

“I don’t know. Sparrow? Sparrow, can you hear me?” Louis hunches in front of me, his big hands stroking my sides.

I inhale a few frantic breaths and force myself to stop crying. “I’m fine,” I choke out. “I just got a bit too into it, I suppose.”

Ravi snorts. “Yeah, you could say that.”

Louis just looks at me, a concerned wrinkle between his bushy dark brows.

With my sight and hearing returning full force, so do the sensations of my body, and I feel a sudden pressure in my lower abdomen. “Need to pee.” I wander into the bushes and do my business while Ravi and Louis pack up the equipment.

On my way back to Ravi’s truck, I hear their voices, and for some reason, I stay back behind the hood and listen.

“…a lot of anger trapped in that boy.”

Ravi snorts. “Yeah, no shit. Maybe you two aren’t so different after all.”

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