Page 52 of Breaking You Open

“BecauseI’mstill here.” He looks down on his plate, no sign remaining of his earlier enthusiasm. “He won’t leave. N-not until he…”

I reach over and squeeze his thigh, and his gaze flips back to me. “You’re okay, kid. I won’t let him take you.”

“Promise?” Sparrow whispers. “Promise you’ll let me stay with you?”

“I already told you, didn’t I? Now eat up.” I nod to his half-eaten burger, and he smiles and takes a bigger bite.

Sparrow helps me with the dishes after Ravi has left, and I keep glancing at him as I wipe the table. I know I should talk to him, but how do I even start? It’s better to have the conversation sooner rather than later to avoid any potential misunderstandings. The last thing I want is to hurt him. For all I know, he’dletme hurt him, and I’d be none the wiser, and that would be just as horrible.

After we’ve cleaned the kitchen, I sit on the couch and put on another one of his nature documentaries, and I don’t even have to say anything; he jumps onto the couch with an excited smile.

“Do you like them too?” he asks.

I give a grunt in reply.

“We don’t have to watch them if you don’t want to,” he says quickly.

“No, I do.” I wrap an arm around his shoulder, and he snuggles up to me, curled up like an armadillo.

“This is a scary one,” he mumbles after a while. “The deep sea is scary, don’t you think?”

I barely hear him. Every time I try to come up with how to start, the words get stuck in my throat. Why is this so hard? Sparrow’s anxious ways must be rubbing off on me. I don’t want to just parrot Ravi’s words to him, but I’m not sure I can say it in my own words.

When the credits roll, I grab the remote to turn the sound down.

“Is something wrong?” Sparrow asks, worry coating his words.

I hesitate before I lift my arm off him. “Do you remember this morning? When you woke me up by…”

“I remember,” he replies, looking even more worried, and he fidgets with the sleeve of his shirt. “Are you still angry?”

“I already told you; I didn’t get angry with you.” But my words do nothing but make him shudder. I sigh and put both hands on his shoulders. “This isn’t about that. Or it is, but…” I shake my head, clenching my teeth at how unworthy I feel to have this conversation in the first place. “It’s just that I…I worry about something.”

“About what?” Sparrow asks, tugging his lower lip between his teeth.

“I worry you don’t know how to say no, orwhenyou should say no. The right you have to say no.”

“Why would I say no?”

“Because you feel like it. Because this thing, between you and me”—I point between us—“it’s not meant to be one-sided, or like I’m doing things to you that you just go along with becauseIwant to do them, okay?”

He frowns.

“How does that sound?” I ask. “Do you understand me at least a little?”

“I … guess so.”

“Good. From now on, we’re not doing anything you don’t want to. As soon as you’re uncomfortable with anything—anything—I want you to tell me.”

Sparrow bites his lip. “But…what if I get nervous?”

“Nervous about what?”

“What if…what if you won’t like me if I don’t go along with what you want?”

I stroke along his arms, trying to relieve us both of the tension plaguing us from the inside out. “That won’t happen. I’ll always like you. Always.” My throat thickens around the words. They don’t come naturally to me, far from it, and I’m amazed at the relative ease with which they spill from my mouth. But they don’t come without a price; my eyes are burning, and I take a deep breath and make an effort to let go of the moment, of the feelings. Force them back down.

I haven’t cried in ages. In years. Ravi—the idiot—even tried to make me cry once when we were drunk and watching a sad movie.You gotta let that stuff out, man; it’s not healthy to keep it in. It’s like you’re edging your emotions. Maybe that’s why you Hulk out sometimes, huh?I stood up and growled at him to fuck off and leave, and he hasn’t brought it up since.

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