Page 17 of Breaking You Open

Chapter 5

Sparrow

Sometimes I just needto walk. And walk. And walk. After Louis threw me out this morning, I’ve been out all day, wandering the roads of downtown Springvale, the suburban neighborhoods, and even up some of the mountain trails I meant to check out sooner.

The sky is covered by a layer of mist and clouds, and a wet drizzle clings to the air. In the small town in Arizona where I spent the last six years of my life, the sun used to scorch the roads and sear the grass yellow, even at this time of year. Three weeks haven’t been nearly enough to get me used to the sun’s absence.

I put one foot in front of the other, hands in the pockets of my long parka, the soft cotton of Louis’s oversize shirt pressing in on my chest. I don’t suppose I’ll have a chance to give it back to him now. I’ll keep it as a memento, I guess. A souvenir of a life that could have been.

Darkness falls as the day passes, and my feet lead me back to the campus grounds. As soon as I open the door to our dorm room, I’m greeted by Lilith’s stern voice.

“Where the hell have you been?”

I barely know the answer to her question myself. Time has passed without my thinking and without my feeling. I get this way sometimes—weird and unwired, wandering without thought as to where or who I am. It’s a small reprieve and a state I sometimes wish I could conjure on command.

My mouth feels dry and my throat thick and aching. I haven’t eaten since breakfast. Haven’t had anything to drink either.

When Lilith sees the beginning of tears in my eyes, she frowns, but the prickly tone of her voice remains the same. “Why are you just standing there? Close the door.”

I scuttle into the room and do as she says.

“Well?” She turns back to her desk, where she’s got all sorts of makeup laid out in front of a big mirror with an intricate stand swirling with lace and bats. “Where were you last night?”

I kick my shoes off and sit on my bed, knees up to my chin. “I got really drunk.”

“Really?” Her voice peaks with interest. “How?”

“Some guy, he…he gave me liquor.”

I watch myself in her mirror as Lilith traces her eyes with bold eyeliner. She’s so pretty. Her makeup always looks flawless, and the few times I’ve caught her bare-faced, she’s looked beautiful too. She dyes her long hair religiously with black box dye anytime the slightest blonde roots peek out by her temples, and her nails are always long and painted the same color as her eyebrows: black.

“Oh,” she huffs. “So you slept with him?”

I shake my head. “No. Louis saved me.”

“Louis? Louis who?” She gets a distant look in her eyes, then she snaps her fingers. “Oh! Louis Carter? Shit.” She pauses applying makeup to throw her head back in a laugh. “You know what he does for work, right?”

“No.” And I don’t really care. All I care about is his voice, his eyes, his hands…

“He’s an enforcer for the Black Claws MC. Know what that means?”

I shake my head.

“Thought so.” The tilt of her mouth turns mocking as she traces her lips with dark-purple liner. “He beats people up for a living. When he’s not a bouncer, of course, but sometimes he beats people up then too.”

“Oh.”

“Oh? That’s all you have to say? Pretty fucked up, don’t you think?”

“I guess.” I can imagine it clearly in my head—Louis’s huge hands smashing into someone’s jaw. Someone bad, someone like Eric…He could punish people…People who’ve hurt me. People like Aaron.

I shake my head to rid myself of the thought. Louis wouldn’t want to do anything like that for me. He doesn’t even want to see me again, and why would he? I sucked him off, sure, but he’s probably got people lining up to do that for him—people who’d do it way better than me.

“So.” Lilith pops her lipstick back into its socket. “He fuck you?”

Heat rises to my cheeks, and my heart does a weird flutter in my chest. I haven’t wanted anyone to have sex with me for a long time, even Aaron. But Louis…yeah, I’d let him fuck me, but he didn’t even try—not even when we slept in the same bed. He could’ve just rolled me over and had his way with me, and I would’ve been helpless to stop him.

When Aaron did similar things, I didn’t want it, but Aaron wasn’t gentle, the way Louis would be…Louis would take his time to stretch me open with his fingers first. He’d use lots of lube and get me hot and ready for it the way Aaron rarely bothered with. Then he’d nudge the head of his cock against my entrance, get me used to the feel of it first before taking his pleasure in me, his massive hands clutching my ass…

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