Page 61 of Just the Beginning

‘What are you talking about?’

‘You sound just like your mother after your father left. She swore off men for years, said she didn’t need anyone else because she had you. It might’ve been fine for her because she didn’t have to risk getting hurt again, but what about you? What about what you said to Chloe earlier about having no one around when you were growing up to show you how to dothings. What about all those times you came home from school and had to let yourself in because Lisa was at work?’

Anya swallowed around the lump in her throat. ‘This will be different.’

Helen shook her head. ‘Pain is the price we pay for love. You keep talking about wanting to live in the real world, but thinking you can have a life without any more pain is therealfantasy here.’

Anya scoffed. ‘That’s easy for you to say because you and Ryan have always been happy together.’

Helen sat back in her chair and let out a hoot of laughter. ‘My God, is that what you think? I love Ryan more than anything but if you knew even half the mistakes he’s made over the years, you wouldn’t believe it. And that’s before we get onto all the times I messed up. There’s no such thing as perfection when it comes to marriage or a relationship, and yes, sadly, there are some experiences that are truly terrible. I wouldn’t wish what Drew put you through on my worst enemy, but you cannot waste the rest of your life being too afraid to try again.’

‘But I did try again,’ Anya protested, scrubbing an angry hand across her eyes as hot tears began to prickle.

‘And you got hurt. But the only reason you got hurt is because you care about Rick, and you care about Davy too. Drew was only able to cause you so much pain because of how much you loved him.’

‘But he didn’t deserve my love!’

Helen leaned forward and took her hands. ‘No, he didn’t, but you didn’t know that at the time. You had a lovely life, and you made a beautiful child together. And then you lost it all, and that has to hurt more than anything else ever has in your life.’

‘I never really had it, though, did I?’

Helen squeezed her hands gently. ‘But you didn’t know that,’ she repeated. ‘You’ve never let yourself grieve properly because you think you don’t deserve to mourn Drew, but that’s denying the truth of what you experienced at the time. If you don’t let yourself come to terms with that, you’ll never be ready to move forward. You have to stop punishing yourself, Anya. It’s time to forgive yourself.’

Anya let that sink in for a bit. ‘Even if what you say is true and I do all of that, I’m still not sure I can ever forgive Rick for lying to me.’

Helen leaned back again, steepling her fingers under her chin. ‘Whether you can forgive him or not will be up to you. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be mad at him, because God knows I’m furious with him for keeping all this to himself, especially when he’s somehow only got half the story. But I know why he did it. Or at least I can hazard a good guess. Rick has always been a good boy, you see,’ she said, a fond smile spreading over her face. ‘He’s always been the one of those four who did the right thing. He never misbehaved, never forgot to do his homework. Never ran out into the street to chase a football.’

Anya recalled the way he’d put an arm out in front of her when she’d gone to cross the road. ‘He’s very cautious.’

Helen nodded. ‘Liam was the golden boy with the big brain and the scholarship. Harry was the wild one who ran off the rails and Ed was the baby of the family, especially after his accident. Rick, on the other hand, he just tried not to be a bother to anyone. When his mum needed help running the chandlery, he was the one who stepped in. When the parish council almost had to fold because of a lack of members, he was the first to volunteer. When he realised there was a resource gap for the village, he founded the Hub.’

‘You make him sound like a saint.’

Helen scoffed. ‘Oh he’s hardly that, he’s just someone who’s always tried to help wherever he’s seen a need for it.’ She shook her head. ‘The sad thing is, I don’t think anyone has ever stopped to ask him whatheneeds.’

Anya’s phone beeped and she reached for it. It was a message from Rick.

Davy ok, will explain tomorrow. Ed’s doing Hire Hut so I will cover at the hotel until D back on his feet.

It was hard not to laugh, because of course Rick would be the one to sort things out.He wouldn’t have to if he hadn’t made a mess in the first place.

Thanks

She began typing a follow-up query about whether he was okay but she deleted the words before she sent them. While Helen had given her a new insight into why Rick might behave as he did, she couldn’t gloss over things. Setting the phone aside, she looked at Helen and Chloe. ‘I won’t make any rash decisions about going to Mum’s, but I’m going to have to have a long hard think about whether staying in Halfmoon Quay is the right thing for Freya and me in the long run.’

30

Anya is typing…The words teased him for a few seconds, then stopped, started again, and then nothing. Rick stared at his screen, willing her to carry on the conversation, but after five minutes of silence he sighed and tucked away his phone. The loss of light from the screen plunged the back seat of his parents’ car into darkness, which at least had the benefit of Rick no longer being able to sense his father’s laser-like glare via the rear-view mirror every time he looked up. Rick shifted in his seat and stared out the passenger window, though there was nothing to see beyond the glass. The Stygian dark of the unlit country road made the atmosphere in the car even more stifling, locking Rick inside a box of his own shame and regret.

What else could I have done?

His mind kept circling back to the same question, not as a plea of self-justification but to batter himself constantly with answers that seemed so obvious with the benefit of hindsight. He could’ve taken his mum or dad into his confidence about Davy, talked it over with them and found a way to help his great-uncle without turning the whole thing into a circus. Hecould’ve let Anya find her own way. There were plenty of part-time jobs around the village this time of year that didn’t need much in the way of experience. He hadn’t needed to create one for her.

You’ve broken my heart, Rick Penrose. The remembered words cut as deeply as when she’d said them. How could he have been so stupid? So careless and inconsiderate of the trauma she’d suffered since Drew’s death. His gut shrivelled every time he thought about it.

After what felt like an eternity, they pulled up on the block-paved drive in front of the house. The external security light illuminated the car as the three of them got out. There wasn’t any danger from trespassers or would-be car thieves in the village, rather it had been fitted by Jago after he and Rachel had been woken once too often by the late-night key fumblings of one or other of their errant sons. It wasn’t the only change they’d had to make to the house to accommodate their growing brood. Rick could still remember the summer they’d installed the practical, if not so aesthetically pleasing, paving slabs beneath his feet. His parents had sacrificed the small front garden to meet the parking needs of several teenage boys all desperate to own their own car. It had been hard work laying the slabs, but a lot of fun.

Jago stalked past Rick without a word. He unlocked the front door and disappeared upstairs. His mum laid a hand on Rick’s arm. ‘He just needs a bit of time to calm down.’

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