Page 67 of Flock Around and Find Out

My brain refused to go there, like a huge ‘do not cross’ sign sat in the way and prevented me from traveling any further down that line of thought. I couldn’t imagine how I would make it without her. Even if I didn’t die in this stupid mission, even if the upcoming war didn’t get me, I didn’t think I could make it without her. She’d taught me how to live, how to be strong, and she was my backbone each time my own failed. Even through the hardships we suffered, the years when we struggled to get by, she always gave me her all.

No, there was no chance that I could deal with any of this fucked-up life on my own.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“You know, you often say that. You often don’t think you’re ready for anything that is coming, but you always manage it.”

“Someone told me the other day that always is a lie, that trends are only trends until they stop.”

“For other people, maybe, but not for you. If there was anyone in the world I would trust with figuring out how to do the impossible, it’d be you.”

“Yeah, well, as much I normally love the mom support, you thinking that doesn’t make it true. Just because you want to think that I can do anything doesn’t mean I can. If I told you I was going to start a cult that lived in a cave and was going to make the ocean cover the land you’d support me and cheer me on. It doesn’t mean it’s realistic.”

She smiled, the expression so unfailingly loving that I just about needed to look away from it. “If anyone else said it, I’d tell them good luck. If you said it? I’d make sure we had floaties around. The fact is that you’ve always done things I didn’t think possible. You’ve always managed to get yourself out of hassles that I thought would take you down. I learned a long time ago no to doubt you. It’d be nice if you learned it, too.”

I sat back on the couch, against her side. She put her arm up, then ran her fingers through my hair. The touch was oddly calming, like I was a little kid again and had nothing to worry about, no thoughts, only vibes. I missed that old life, when things were hard but they were simple.

Paying the rent wasn’teasybut it was basic. I knew what I had to do no matter how difficult. Now problems were so large that I struggled to really wrap my hands around them, to grip them, to make sense of all the details. It wasn’t as easy as just doing something, but rather knowingwhatto do. That was the worst part of any of it.

I sighed and looked out at the yard, wishing I could look ahead a few weeks, that I could see how it was all going to work out. I wanted the confidence to know that this was what I should do, but life didn’t work that way.

“I’m going on a trip next week,” I said.

“Oh really? Again?”

“This one might be a bit longer—I’m not sure yet.”

“Where are you going?”

I figured telling her it was some weird otherly realm was probably not an ideal way to start this conversation, so I hedged the truth. Lying to my mom wasn’t exactly new for me, after all. “Florida.” I liked to pick Florida because it felt like the land of extremes and weird shit. Basically, no matter whatreallyhappened, if I told them it had happened in Florida, there was a good chance they’d believe me.

I was chased by a tiger in Florida. I was in Florida when someone person bit me! This one time, someone turned into a smoke creature and I had to banish it with magic.

That doesn’t sound like something that happened.

I was in Florida.

Oh, okay then! Makes sense!

Sometimes I think I belong in Florida. That was probably why I’d never actually gone, because I was pretty sure I could give Florida man a run for his money, and if I found my people there, I didn’t think I’d ever want to leave.

So instead, Florida remained mysomedayvacation spot that I liked to use as an excuse until then.

“Are you going with anyone?” The way she raised her eyebrow had me laughing. Yeah, that was one hell of a suspicious face, wasn’t it? She wanted to know if any of those men who came to the party—and it seemed stayed in contact afterward—were going with me.

It was safest to offer the truth. “Galen.”

“Oh, he was nice. A little stuffy, maybe, compared to who I’d imagined for you, but sometimes opposites are good. They can help each other stay level. I think that works well. If you found someone as wild as you, I’m not sure this world could survive it.”

I laughed as I thought about exactly who she meant—even if she didn’t realize it.

Knot. He was every bit as crazy as me, every bit as unpredictable and prone to disaster. I couldn’t argue that, yeah, I wasn’t sure how well that would work if we ever tried something more than…whatever we were.

In fact, the very idea of us trying that nearly had me laughing at the absurdity. Not only of the relationship itself, but at the idea of us acting like love-struck puppies.

Nope, not happening.

“That’s fair,” I pointed out. “And he is responsible. Sometimes too responsible, I think, too worried about everyone else, but he’s good.”

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