Page 92 of Wings of Cruelty and Flame

There were worse things, I told myself. We respected each other, appreciated each other, and Varidian was even prone to flirting with me. It was fine if he didn’t truly want me, if things would only ever be physical with no real desire between us. I could live with that. Our marriage was good, far better than I expected on my wedding day. He made me smile, made me laugh, made me see stars with that talented mouth of his. I could live with that.

Even if the tangle of hot emotions in my stomach made me physically sick and—and I had dangerous, powerful feelings for him. Fuck, this was going to end badly.

I swallowed the knot in my throat, dropping my hands from his body and feeling the loss like a barb to the chest.

“Understand what?” Varidian asked, something akin to panic in his eyes. “Ameirah, whatever you think you know, I assure you it is entirely different and far worse.”

The laugh that escaped was bitter. Shit. “I can live with it.”

That was my new mantra. I can live with it.

His eyes tracked my expression, the dread in his expression intensifying. “Live with what?”

I sighed. “Don’t make me say what we both know. You don’t have to be cruel, Varidian.”

I tried to slide out of bed, hampered by the damned leg wrapped in heavy, awkward bandages and the fact I couldn’t entirely feel it. I was glad for the absence of pain, but it would have been nice to use the bloody thing.

Varidian’s hands came down on my shoulders, holding me in place. “I would rather rip out my own heart than hurt you,Ameirah, let alone be intentionally cruel. Whatever you think I’m hiding—tell me please.”

“You’re a bastard, Varidian Saber,” I said, failing to mask my hurt with anger. Shit, my whole heart was bared to him and I didn’t like it. My throat ached, a slow spread of acid in my stomach. “How can you say things like that when you don’t want me? It hurts, Varidian. You push me away and in the next breath speak as if you’re obsessed with me. And it hurts.”

My eyes stung. Fuck, I didn’t want to cry.

“I don’t want you?” he asked, his hands tightening on my shoulders, the fierce grip almost uncomfortable. “How did you come to that conclusion when I would kill any man who even glances at you just to keep you mine.”

I fixed my eyes on the ceiling, blinking hard. “Stop saying things you do not mean. Ithurts,Varidian.”

“I mean every word I say. I told you the night I returned I wanted you so badly I couldn’t breathe and I meant every last syllable. When you’re out of my sight, the panic that hits is excruciating. You aremineand tell me I am lying about that at your own peril.”

My brow furrowed, the pain spiking worse through my chest. He wasn’t lying. I knew him well enough to tell that. But… “You’re pushing me away. You don’t want me close to you, even when we sleep together, and it’s like a chasm that gets wider every day. I know it’s there. You know it’s there. I’m done ignoring it. If it’s not because you’ve changed your mind about me then—what is it? Because all I can think is that you don’t want me.”

Varidian tore himself away from me and off the bed, pacing the rug at the bottom of the bed. “If I told you—not only would you be in immense danger but… you would leave, Ameirah.”

I blinked, not prepared to see his own vulnerability come to light. “I would never leave you.” At the rough shake of his head,I added, “I’m crazy and you know it. Nothing you say could make me leave, even the most unhinged declaration or the most unexpected secret. But don’t tell me you’re spying for Kalder, too, my heart couldn’t take it.”

“Fuck no,” Varidian spat, continuing to pace a hole in the rug. He sank his fingers into his hair, tugging at the roots. “I know,” he muttered.

“Know what?”

Panic widened his eyes. “Nothing.”

Alright, that was enough. I threw the covers off and shuffled awkwardly to the edge of the mattress, my leg like a dead weight. I couldn’t stand, I realised swiftly, and that was both inconvenient and frustrating. Instead, I perched on the edge and tried to catch Varidian’s eye.

“You didn’t shun me when I told you about my power, about—Shahzia, and the clergyman.” It was hard to get out the words, my throat tight and pain piercing my chest too badly to let those memories rise. “Why would I do the same for whatever you’re hiding?”

The look he threw my way was desperate, pleading. “I can’t tell you.”

“You can,” I promised, softening my voice and shutting out the spikes of pain in my chest. Whatever this was, it tormented him. And I realised it wasn’t about me at all—the secrecy was about Varidian, about whatever he was struggling with. A dozen different scenarios ran through my mind, each wilder than the last. “I won’t tell anyone. It can stay between us. But please—stop pushing me away.”

“I’m trying to keep yousafe.”he snapped suddenly, jerking a step closer, his chest rising and falling like he’d just run down the mountain behind the Diamond.

I swallowed my hurt, keeping my voice even, gentle. “From what?”

“Me.”

His reply was small and… ashamed.

Oh, fuck it. I braced my hand on the post at the bottom of the bed and leveraged myself into a standing position. Varidian swore and rushed to support me, his hands on my hips. They were shaking.

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