Page 58 of Ever Dark

She shoves me away, glaring back at me. “No, Bones. There aren’t anyguysI’m interested in.”

I’m not fucking stupid. “So what about the girls, then? Look,I know, Lettie. You can’t keep pretending. Your old girlfriends here are bitches for what they did to you. Don’t let that stop you from falling in love again.”

She shudders, her throat bobbing as she swallows. “It was so easy with them at first. I didn’t have to force it like I did with boys. I thought it meant as much to them as it did to me. But in the end, I was just a toy for them to play with. So now, I don’t want to be with anyone.”

My heart actually breaks for her. She’s got so much to offer and yet she locks it all away out of fear of getting hurt again. “I don’t want to see you alone and hurting forever. You put on a good front for everyone else, but I see right fucking through it. Felix does too. We’ve talked about it.”

She lowers her head. “I’m not ready. It hurts too much.”

I pull her in for another hug and this time I don’t let her go. “I know. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll try to stop punishing myself for Sonny, if you start opening up your heart again.”

She sniffles into my shirt. “Fine. But you better hold up your end. I’m sick of seeing you hurt yourself.”

I kiss her forehead. “I promise you, baby sister. I will try.”

“That’s all either of us can do, right?” She murmurs.

After I walk her out to her car and wave goodbye, the guilt settles back in. I really will try but it’s easier said than done. The only thing that helps is being around Mia. That girl does something visceral to my soul that makes me forget about any of my own pain. She’s my new drug, my new addiction, and my new release.

A dark cloud hangs over me as I kneel down next to the gravestone. I brush the dirt off his epitaph. “Hey, baby brother.”

A cold breeze skates across the back of my neck. Just like it did that day. I shiver in remembrance. The sweet scent of freshly potted magnolias wafts up my nose. They’re from my mother. She’s the only one who still leaves flowers after all these years.

Fuck.

I stuff my trembling hands into my pockets. My grief is suffocating. I feel it like a noose around my neck. I glance toward the woods, my fury growing. I lost count of all the times I’ve searched for him, hoping he was still out there. But I know he’s gone.

A part of me died that day too. I lost a piece of my soul that I will never get back. It haunts me even in daylight. I should have been paying attention. Felix blames himself too but I know that it was my fault alone. I was the one who was tasked with watching Sonny. I’m the one who took my eyes off him.

I fight back the tears as I clench my fists. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

I don’t deserve to be here.

Furious with myself, I march back to my car. I pace around the newly restored muscle car like a bomb about to explode. Tick. Tick. Tick. FUCK.

I smooth my sweaty palms over the top of my head, my pulse racing. My mouth is dry, my tongue heavy as if it’s coated in lead. I see his little face in my mind. I hear his voice begging me to come outside and play with him.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

The shadows crawl across my skin, threatening to pull me under. It’s too much.

A choked scream unfurls from my throat as I thrust my fists into the passenger side window as hard as I can.

“Ahhh!” The glass cracks, splitting in a thousand directions. Blood drips in between the shattered fragments.My blood. I hit it again. And again. Over and over until the flesh around my knuckles look like pulp. Fuck.

I’m sorry. “Lo siento.”

I rest my head against the hood of the car while I cradle my throbbing hands to my chest. I promised Lettie mere hours ago that I would try to stop punishing myself. And now here I am doing it again. I’m all kinds of fucked up.

But the pain makes me feel alive. It grounds me and brings me back to the present. I know I have to stop. But how can I when this darkness torments me every waking minute?

“Fucking hell.” I rip off pieces of my shirt and tie the strips around my hands before stealing one more glance back toward the woods. “Until next time, baby brother.”

The roar from the double exhaust does little to quiet the chaos in my head. So I turn up the music as loud as I can stand without it making my ears bleed.

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