Page 95 of No More Spies

“I’ve made my decision, and though I know you all think I’msome kind of selfish shit, I’m actually doing this for him.”

Lou sent her mom a look. AnI told youlook.

“I know that, too. I know what’s going through your head,”her father insisted. “You think you’re too dark for him. You think you’resparing him because one day he’s going to wake up and realize he needs somesweet princess who won’t ever give him a moment’s trouble. You think he can’tpossibly know what he truly wants because he keeps saying he wants you. Thatcan’t be right because you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it becauseyou’re not good enough.”

“Ian,” her mom began.

“I can say it because I felt it, too. I’ve had all thosedark voices in my head. I am so sorry you inherited them. I wouldn’t wish thatpart of me on anyone, much less my daughter. You have to be stronger than thevoices,” he urged.

But her voices were so silky and smooth. Her voices didn’tfeel all that dark. Her voices sometimes told her how nice it would be withoutthat light in her eyes all the time. She was born in shadows, and it was onlyher connections to these people that forced her into a mold she didn’t fit. Howmuch easier would it be if she could simply be herself?

“I want to know what Lena’s been saying to you in therapy,”her father announced.

Oh, they were not going there. “Therapy is private. Ibelieve at one point in time you told me therapy is sacred, and I never had totalk about what was said there.”

“Yeah, when you were a kid and I was worried about you nevertalking about what happened in Virginia. Now you’re an adult and I feel likeI’m in some kind of battle where I don’t even know the rules of war,” herfather said, running a hand over his head. He stood and started pacing again.“I don’t like that woman, and I’m working to get her off this case. Drake isgoing to find someone else.”

“I can’t put my finger on it, but she gives me bad vibes.There’s a smugness about the woman,” her mother added, “like she knowssomething and she’s going to use it against us.”

Well, it was obvious Lena wasn’t all Team Taggart. “She’sbeen helping me see some things more clearly.”

Now her mother leaned forward, a tense expression on herface. “What things, exactly?”

“Kala, when I had my sessions with her, she spent most ofthe time focusing on my friendship with you,” Lou said. “It was weird.Everything was focused on you. She was supposed to be learning about Zach andhow he functioned in the team, but it was you she wanted to talk about.”

“Lena thinks I’m being wasted on this team.” She winced whenshe realized how that sounded. She hadn’t meant to be arrogant. She was simplystating the facts, but she’d learned that people often associated facts withinternal feelings. Damn. She couldn’t seem to stop screwing up.

Her father put his palms flat on the table, staring down ather. “If you think for one second you’ll be allowed to go solo, you do not knowme at all. I’m going to ask you what you would do if Lou up and told you shewas leaving the team and going into the field on her own?”

Kala snorted. “She would never do that.”

“But if she did?” The question came out between her father’sclenched jaw.

“I would stop it, but it’s not the same. Lou isn’t a fieldoperative. It would be too risky.”

Lou held up a hand. “For the record, not something I woulddo.”

Dad ignored her. “So if Lou decided to do something you feltwas dangerous, you would stop her.”

“Of course.” It wouldn’t matter that it should be Lou’sdecision. She wouldn’t be able to watch it happen. Any more than she would beable to watch Coop do it since he wasn’t a field operative. He was tooemotional, too tied into his own morality to make the hard calls.

Not that she would be able to help them if she walked away.They wouldn’t be in her life all the time. They would be reports, whispers,stories she heard when—if—she called home.

The thought made her ache. Would that ache go away if shewas far from them? Or would it become a part of her, some pain inside thatnever went away?

“She’s your best friend,” her father said with a grave tone.“You love her, but no one put her in your arms when she was born. You didn’twatch her grow up. She’s not a piece of your soul, walking this earth. What doyou think I’ll do to stop you from hurting yourself?”

“I’m not hurting myself. I’m doing my job, and I think inorder to do it to the best of my ability, I might need to work alone. Hell, Iget benched half the time as it is.” Did he think she wasn’t an adult? Hadn’tthought this through?

Lou had gone pale. “You can’t leave the team. I’m herebecause of you. I’m here to work with you. I’m here because I don’t want tolose you, and that’s what will happen if you go off on your own.”

The words hit her squarely in the chest. Wasn’t that exactlywhat she’d been thinking? Now that TJ had Lou, she didn’t need her anymore andit was okay to let go.

But what about Kenz? Kenz had Tash. What about Devi? She wasreckless, and Bri and Daisy wouldn’t be able to hold her damn feet over thefire to get her to see reason. What about her brothers?

What about her tiny nephew?

Don’t you think they’re all better off without yourdarkness? Without you in their lives, maybe there won’t be danger since you’rethe most dangerous thing of all.

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