Page 71 of No More Spies

She didn’t move.

Had he lost her?

“I don’t know.” She said the words solemnly and pulled herknees into her chest, wrapping her arms around them.

“You don’t know if you want cookies? Your mom made them.They’re delicious.”

She swallowed and seemed to find some courage. “I don’t knowif they raped me or not. The asshole who put a needle in my neck promised me hewould pass me around to all the guys while I was sleeping, and I don’t knowwhat he did. I know I was sore, but I didn’t know how it would feel so I can’tbe sure if it was because of a sexual assault or because I nearly took them alldown. They were shitty fighters, by the way. I saw a doctor, but it was dayslater, and she couldn’t be certain. I’ve thought a lot about it lately, and Idon’t think so. I think I would remember being sore the way I was a couple ofdays ago. But maybe your dick is bigger.”

His heart threatened to seize, and the world blurred as hestared at her. “Kyle said…”

“Yeah, I know what my cousin said. He wasn’t there the wholetime. And now that I… Well, I think maybe he was right and there wasn’t enoughtime nor inclination for a group of mercenaries to gangbang an unconsciousfifteen-year-old. The one who led them shot the Russian dude who threatened me.He wanted to sell me to a syndicate. Obviously not the one my mom used tobelong to. He said people would pay money to be able to brag they hurt DusanDenisovitch’s cousin. I don’t know if he did it because he didn’t want to haveto protect me from his own men or because he didn’t want to share the money.You’re right. I struggle with emotional reasoning sometimes. Especially when Iwas younger. He said he didn’t have to share the money, and I believed him.”

Well, he’d wondered and now he knew. “You were a virgin.”

“Maybe. Maybe not,” she replied. “I won’t ever truly knowbecause all the people who could have told me are dead, and I’m also okay withthat. I just…sometimes I wish I knew. I wish it wasn’t always there under thesurface, this thing I can’t quite see. I don’t know if what’s dancing aroundunderneath me is a shadow meaning nothing or a shark that’s going to eat mefrom the inside out. I know I lied.”

“About having sex?” She’d alluded to previous boyfriends,but she’d never gone into details. Certainly not with him. “Not really, nowthat I think about it. You allowed people to think you had.”

“I wanted to be normal.”

“You are so much more than normal.” He reached out andcupped her cheek. “If there is one thing it seems I learned since high schoolthat you didn’t, it’s that normal isn’t something we should aspire to. You’reyou, and I that-word-you-can’t-hear-me-say-yet you for it. I was a stupid kidwho didn’t understand the magnificent woman in front of me. I do now. You thinkI’m going to revert back to form, like I’m going to wake up and want some sweetthing who doesn’t growl at me, who doesn’t fight the whole world.”

“Who could be a good wife and mom.” Her words were so hollowit hit him in the gut.

“Are you fucking kidding? Baby, I’m going to have to askwhat drugs you’re on now. You don’t think your mother was a good mom?”

“She was the best.”

“And she was weird as hell. She talked openly about her daysas an assassin and regularly got caught having sex with your dad. She spentevery Saturday night at a lifestyle club, and I’m pretty sure she helped bury abunch of bodies because one of my core childhood memories is of our parentshaving a big fight about the hole they’d just dug and your mom complainingabout the Agency needing to pay for dry cleaning. I won’t even go into yourdad.” Maybe he was asking the wrong questions. “Did you want something morenormal? Did you want a white picket fence and perfect childhood?”

“It was perfect.”

There she was. “Yes, it was. And whatever life we can havetogether will be perfectly ours. I don’t want anything else. Anything less thanthe weird, magical world we can create together.”

She was silent for a long moment before turning her eyes hisway, tears shining there. She never, ever cried. “I don’t know what I want,Coop. I don’t know that I want a family I might let down. I love my parents. Ilove my sisters and brothers, but sometimes I think about how much easier itwould be if I didn’t.”

It made him ache because he knew he’d been the first realcrack in her life. Sure, she’d gotten bullied for being weird and she’d knownfrom a very young age that she didn’t fit like the rest of her family, butshe’d persevered. She’d been strong even as a teen. It had been his betrayalthat sent her here. Made her question. “It won’t be because no matter what yourinner voices are telling you, you won’t be able to turn it off. That love youfeel isn’t some switch you can flip. If it was, you wouldn’t be sitting herewith me right now. You are a warrior goddess but what you don’t understand iswhat makes you truly strong is the delicate place inside that holds all yourlove. Even when it hurt, there was a part of you defending that place in yoursoul. If you could turn it off, you wouldn’t be the one everyone goes to whenthey need something.”

“That’s not true. Everyone goes to Kenz unless they needsomeone fucked up.”

She thought she was nothing more than an enforcer? “They goto Kenzie when they want a shoulder to cry on and someone who will agree withthem. When they need real help and advice, they come to you. They come becauseyou’ll tell them the truth and won’t judge them.”

“Oh, I judge plenty,” she began.

She was not going to turn this into a rundown of all thedumb shit her cousins did. “All I’m saying is when they need a stereotypicalmom they run to Kenz. When they need a dad…”

She groaned. “I know. I know they call me She-ian.”

“Yeah, like they call your Aunt Erin, who you think is thecoolest woman on the planet. Also not a typical stand by your man, have dinneron the table and spurt out twelve kids trad wife. This is where you think mymom is saying one thing when it’s another. She’s using a bunch of therapyspeak. She was worried we were getting in too deep as kids, and she’s worriedI’ll hurt you now because I pretended to be something I’m not.”

“Something you’re not?”

“Yes. Baby, I’m good at one thing on this planet, and it’snot flying. Though I’m excellent at that. My parents are super smart. They’reproblem solvers. They can save the world. I can fly anything with wings, butthat’s not the job I’m truly excellent at. I’m good at doing that word we’renot saying yet when it comes to you. I might have been shitty at it in thepast, but…”

She moved suddenly into his space, and her lips were on his.“Shut up, Coop. I can’t. I can’t fix things tonight, but I can promise you I’llthink about it. I can promise you that I won’t make decisions without talkingto you.”

Shit. She was serious. Kala was the ultimate independentwoman. If she was offering to discuss the future, then he had a real shot.

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