Page 47 of No More Spies

Her father didn’t understand how far he would go for her. “Iwould take it. You need to know if I didn’t think I’m the best man for her, Iwould walk away in a heartbeat.”

“I’m worried you’re the only man for her, and if she can’thave you, she’ll be alone forever.” Ian’s expression softened slightly.

Cooper touched his chest, placing his hand over his heart.“I’m right here. I’ve been very clear about wanting to try. I haven’t looked atanother woman since I joined this team. I’ve supported her work both with theAgency and in the lifestyle. Then she comes to me tonight and wants what shecalls ‘stress relief,’ and I was willing to be that, too, because I know it’sbullshit. She needs another name for it. She can’t love me because I hurt herand it’s scary, so I let her hide a little while longer.”

“See, this is why I can’t hate you,” Ian admitted. “Youreally do know her.”

Tonight made him question what he thought he knew. “Noteverything. I don’t know what was going through her head tonight. But then shedidn’t want to talk to me about what happened in Toronto. I had to read thereports to know the basics, and I’m sure she hid the worst of it.”

“Her heart stopped.”

Those words felt like a land mine he’d stepped on. Cooperfelt sick. He’d known it was bad. Sometimes he thought he was still stuck inthat moment when Ben Parker carried her out of a burning house. “That wasn’t inthe report.”

“It wasn’t in the one the team got, but I assure you, it wasin the one the Agency has,” Ian explained. “Why do you think I’m benching herwhen she wants so fucking badly to get back into the field and prove to herselfnothing changed? She didn’t even want to see a cardiologist to make sure herheart’s okay. I had to force her. She’s pissed at me, and when she’s mad at me,it’s one less person she’s willing to talk to. I tried to get her to see Kaiwhen we got back, but she insisted she was fine. I don’t know whether to berelieved or worried that she’s agreed to see Dr. Gallagher.”

Cooper knew that particular truth. “She thinks if sheconvinces the doctor she’s solid, she’ll back off. We all know she’s here toevaluate us. Probably to finish the job Zach didn’t manage to do.” If they shutdown the team, it wasn’t like Kala would come home and start a job at MT. Theywould move her to another team, another handler, and he would be right back inthe Navy flying helos.

Or he would cash out and start his life back here. Eitherway, he wouldn’t be with her.

“I only want her to talk to someone,” Big Tag admitted.

“I wish she would talk to me. She does about some things.”She talked to him about how afraid she was to lose Lou when she and TJ gottogether. How it felt like everyone was going to leave her behind as theystarted their lives. She’d been halfway through a bottle of Cab that night, andthey’d sat on the roof of The Hideout, looking out over the Dallas skyline.She’d let him hold her hand, and for once he felt like he was giving hersomething. “Should I walk away? Would she be more open to a relationship withthe men she sees if I wasn’t in the picture?”

“The men she sees?” Big Tag’s expression went blank. “Haveyou met these men?”

“No. She’s very private about her sex life.”

Ian nodded. “Yes, she is. And isn’t that odd since no oneelse is. Her sisters can’t fucking stop talking about their sex lives. Lou andTJ just do it wherever they happen to be standing. I do not know how she workswhen he’s on top of her all the time. Kala is surrounded by people who areperfectly comfortable talking about sex, and do you know how many boyfriendsshe’s brought home?”

He was sure it was at least one or two. “She had a couple incollege, from what I understand.”

“Did she?” Ian asked. “Or did she tell us that? I don’t knowbecause I never met the fuckers, and when I followed them around for a coupleof days, I realized they were just men in her classes. She had no interactionwith them outside of class, so unless they were fucking in the closet…”

A chill went through him. “Ian, tell me she’s not a virgin.She can’t possibly be a virgin.”

One big shoulder shrugged. “Well, probably not now unlessyou didn’t actually make it inside her.”

He felt his whole world shift because all this time he’dthought she was trying to find happiness the way everyone did. He’d thought shewas dating and hadn’t found the right one, thought she was enjoying sex the wayshe should when she was young. He’d heard stories she would tell about seducingtargets. “Why? Why would she lie about it?”

“Because it’s easier than admitting why she’s afraid of sex.Look, Cooper, I know why she’s been skittish. It’s a combination of somethingthat happened to her when she was young and you. I’m not going to tell youabout the event. That has to come from her. But I will talk about you. She isnow and has always been sick in love with you. Kenzie fell in and out of love amillion times. It’s why I’m not worried about the Canadian. She’ll move oneventually. But Kala is a different story. She’s me, and if I hadn’t found myCharlie, I would have been alone. Don’t get me wrong, I had girlfriends and Ihad subs, but I wouldn’t have opened myself up to anyone but Charlie. I had oneshot, and for a long time I thought it was over. When I thought Charlie wasdead, I shut myself off. Only thing that saved my relationship with my brotherwas his wife. Hell, there were times I didn’t want a relationship with anyone.It would be easier to go lone wolf and let the job be my life. I worry she’s inthat stage right now, and whatever the hell happened tonight is going to pushher to do it.”

“I love your daughter,” Cooper said quietly, emotion wellingthrough him. “I’ve always loved her. I was a child and I wanted to fit in. Ithought if I did everything right, made everyone like me, showed everyone I wasgood at sports and popular, then I would be worthy of them.”

Ian looked at him with something akin to sympathy. He didn’tpretend to not understand. “Your parents loved you from the moment they sawyou. It never mattered Eve didn’t carry you. They didn’t give a crap you don’tshare DNA. I assure you I love my Tasha every bit as much as my biologicalchildren, but I do understand that it can feel like you don’t belong. Have youthought about finding your biological mother?”

He shook his head. “I don’t need to meet her. I have amother, and I don’t need anyone else. I got over it, but how I felt when I wasfifteen hurt the girl I loved then. She scared me back then.”

“Because everything that makes her a strong, resourcefulwoman made her a difficult child. That’s the sharp edge of parenting they don’ttell you about. It’s hard when you can see so clearly what a teacher callsstubbornness will one day be determination,” Ian admitted. “You have to figureout how to balance fitting in with not losing what makes your child special. Itwas easy as breathing for Kenzie. Tash had to learn. My boys are knuckleheads,and oddly that made everyone love them, but Kala was different.”

“And I made it worse because I wanted her but I didn’t wantanyone to know I wanted her. Like she was something I should hide.” The oldguilt settled on him, and now it held a new edge since there was something hedidn’t know. And something he did. He’d wrecked her first time. “I shouldleave.”

Ian’s face fell. “And I’m back to hating you.”

“She didn’t trust me enough to tell me she was a virgin,”Cooper argued. “I don’t know how to deal with that. I joined the team because Iwanted another chance with her, but I worry I’m hurting her. Seeing her… Shealmost died. I wanted to fucking lie down and die with her.”

Ian slapped the table, the sound reverberating through theconference room. “Then live for her. Don’t give up. If you genuinely believeyou’re the best man for her, you don’t give up. Not until she tells you shecan’t love you and asks you to leave. Has she done that?”

“No. But I can’t do what I want to do.”

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