Page 119 of No More Spies

“You killed a lot of people. Screwed a lot of people over.Fucked up lives. Betrayed your country,” Kala pointed out. “All for a man whonever really loved you.”

For a moment it looked like Julia was going to argue. Thenher face twisted and changed, and it became Lena sitting in front of her. “Likeyou did. Have you considered that your fascination with Cooper McKay is abouttrying to save yourself from your own worst instincts?”

She stared at Dream Lena for a moment and knew she wouldfollow through with those therapy sessions. With a real therapist this time andnot one who took on the face of all the dark voices in her head. “My instinctsaren’t wrong. They’re quite good. The more violent impulses I shut down.”

Lena leaned forward, and Kala would swear her normallyperfect teeth had cutting edges now. Like a piranha about to feast. Her eyesseemed darker, too. “Do you? How many have you killed? Maimed? Destroyed? Doyou ever wonder why Kenzie got the cutesy, sweet name and you are an acronymfor kick a little ass? Your father did that to you. He saw what you were fromthe very beginning. He knew Kenzie was light and you were dark.”

This was something important she’d learned. “We need thedarkness, too. We need it to find rest and peace and sleep. The dark can be abeautiful thing. Just like too much light kills.”

She shook her head. “You’re not that darkness. You’re evil.There’s something wrong with you. Cursed. It’s why bad things happen to you.”

Yes, there were the voices. Intrusive and invasive.Sometimes they shouted. Sometimes they started as whispers of good that slowlyturned into self-hate and anxiety. Sometimes she couldn’t shut them off, butshe was going to find a way. She deserved to find a way. “I am not you.”

“No,” Lena replied. “You’re her.”

And she was Julia again, except this time Julia was in anelegant dress. The kind her mom favored. She wore her hair in a very CharlotteTaggart style.

Darkness to her mother’s light.

“We’re the same, you and I,” Julia insisted. “I’m the otherside of your mother’s coin, the same way you are with your twin. She’s yourmother.”

How long had this idea dragged on her soul? Now that she wasfacing it, she could see how silly it was. Her mother wasn’t some beacon oflight. She had darkness, too. Everyone did. Kenzie had her own. She was morelike her mom, but Kala wasn’t Julia.

“No, I have my father’s soul and many of his problems.” He’dtold her about them, how he needed a checkup every now and then. How stubbornhe’d been as a young person, and it had almost cost him everything. How hedidn’t want it to do the same to her. Her father had those dark voices. Theones people sometimes called depression and anxiety, and he’d found a way to behappy. And so would she.

If she lived through this. Damn, but part of the problemwith figuring out she didn’t hate herself was kind of wanting to live.Completely wanting to live.

“Your father is evil, too,” Julia insisted.

Her father was the awesomest asshole to ever exist. Tearsfilled her eyes as she felt a hand on her shoulder and knew without a doubt whoit was. Another smaller hand grasped her other shoulder. Her parents. Alwaysbehind her even in her nightmares. “I don’t need you anymore. I never did, butnow I’m ready to let you go.”

Julia stood, looking wilder now, like she was ready tostrike.

But this wasn’t a war she would win with a knife or a gun.It wasn’t a war where she could slaughter her enemies to claim victory becausethis was a war inside her. These were pieces of her soul she needed to tame,and she’d learned she couldn’t do it with anger. She couldn’t fix it withdiscipline and being the best at what she did.

No, this war wouldn’t be won with bombs but with thedecision to lean into the love she’d been given.

Kala shifted back against those hands on her knowing therewere so many more, but these hands were there from the very beginning. “Leavenow.”

She would always be difficult. Stubborness was her middlename, and it would stay that way. She wasn’t going to eschew violence, become avegan, and live off the grid for the sake of the earth. No. Her change was fargentler.

She would be kind to herself. She would give herself grace.She would accept that she deserved the love and affection she’d been given andtake her place in her family without another question.

“I’m not about…” Dream Julia began…but she was alreadyfading, her voice so soft against the other Kala now heard.

I love you. It’s you and me. Cooper.

You’re my best friend. Lou.

I’ve got your back. Kenzie.

I am so glad to have you as my sister.Tasha whenshe’d still had that Russian accent. When she’d been young and scared.

You are the best mistress a sub could have. Really,that was a lot of voices when she thought about it. She was good. So muchbetter at topping than the boys.

It’ll all be alright.She was pretty sure that wasKacey Musgraves because there was some music behind that one.

I’m here if you want to talk. Or I could play a song foryou if you’re sad. Seth was a weirdo. She loved him.

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