Page 102 of No More Spies

She pulled at the chains and leaned back against him, tryingto force his finger to rub again. “I was a dumb kid, and I grew up.”

So he pinched her clit between his thumb and forefinger andgave the piercing a careful twist.

She gasped and grumbled as he stepped back.

Pain alone wasn’t going to fix this. She could take pain.She needed something else. He stepped in front of her, bringing his hand up.Tenderness might work where pain didn’t. “Please. I think we break if we don’tacknowledge this, and I do not want us to ever break. This is the mostimportant relationship of my life. Tell me.”

Yep. There they were. Tears filled her eyes. “I don’t wantto.”

“Because you can’t trust me. Because I hurt you.”

She closed her eyes, tears dripping from them.

“Because I wasn’t faithful the way you were. It was me.” Heknew deep down that was only part of the answer, but he needed to lean into it.She could handle pain. He could go and get a cattle prod and she would likelyroll her eyes and tell him she’d had better. What she couldn’t handle wasguilt. He was taking it all on himself, and while he knew he was part of theproblem, her secret tender heart wouldn’t let him carry the whole load. “I didthis to us.”

She sniffled, another sign she was ready to break. “Itwasn’t you.”

There she was. “I hurt you so badly you stopped writing.”

“It wasn’t just you,” she admitted. “I was hurt, but I wouldhave gone home and hated you and written a million shitty teen angst poemsabout how you broke my heart. That was what you broke. She brokeme.”

“She? Are you talking about Julia Ennis?”

“She told me I was like her. She said I reminded her so muchof who she was at my age, and I could be someone. She had a very narrowdefinition of whatsomeonemeans. Not many people counted asimportant. She told me other people were sheep.”

Something she said a lot. “Honey, you don’t mean it the wayshe did.”

“Don’t I? I’ve been working through this in therapy, and Ithink maybe I’m everything Julia said I was. Why did I walk away? Because Ithought walking away was the best thing I could do for you.”

How could she believe that? “Do you know why I never stoppedtrying to be in your life?”

“We were thrown together. Our parents are close. We shouldhave been like brother and sister.”

He shook his head. “I could never be your brother. Never.Kala, it’s always been you. Even when I was a moron, I knew it was you. I wasdesperate to stay close to you in high school.”

“Not desperate enough to ever ask me to a dance,” shewhispered.

His fault. “I’m so sorry, baby. I wasn’t as strong as youwere. It took me years to figure out what you did. What other people think ofus doesn’t matter if we’re okay with who we are. And now I’m worried some ofthose voices in your head aren’t your own. Julia Ennis was mentally unstable.”

Her eyes came up, a grave truth in them.

He shook his head. “You are not unstable. I worry that youstruggle with some depression, the kind that needs to be treated, but you arenot unstable. Baby, how can you think that? You are the reasonable one in thefield. You can shut off your emotions and do the job that needs to be done.That’s the definition of stable. You are not now, nor have you ever been likethat woman.”

“She obsessed over my cousin. I obsess over you,” she said,her voice threatening to break. “You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted. The onlyperson I’ve ever wanted.”

The words were a balm to his soul, and he needed to find away to give them back to her. “And I am so honored because you’re my person,too. What do you think Julia Ennis would have done if she’d been in yourposition that night? She wouldn’t have walked away. She wouldn’t have stayedaway and still helped me from behind the scenes. Even when you were pissed atme, you wouldn’t let anyone else hurt me.”

“I think she would say she did the same for Kyle.”

He had to make her believe. “It’s not the same. Not in anyway. You barely talked to me in college. She would have done anything to getKyle back. Anything. She would never once have thought to walk away because shewas a narcissist. Can we agree on that one thing first? You are not anarcissist.”

“Lena thinks I might be, but she also thinks it’s a goodtrait for an operative since I’m obsessed with my job,” Kala explained.

Oh, he was going to have to deal with Lena. He would startwith going to Big Tag and demanding they bring someone else in. “It’s aterrible trait, and you know that deep inside. You do your job for thebetterment of your country and everyone around you. You do not do this job foryou. If you were doing this job for you, it would have been easier to call yourcousin and apply for a job as assassin. Because you like to stab people whodeserve it. So we’re tossing all of that out. I don’t think Lena is the righttherapist for you. So now we’re at the truth. Say it out loud. You walked awaybecause something inside tells you that you’re not worthy of the love you’vebeen given.”

Her eyes caught his, her jaw tightening and then releasingas though she’d made her decision. “I’m not worthy of the love I’ve been given.I don’t belong here. I don’t fit.”

It was out in the open, and now they could work on it.“Baby, you think you don’t fit because you’re the damn sun. You don’t fit intoorbit because you’re the person we all orbit around. I know you think it’sKenzie, but you are the hand that guides us, not Kenz. You are the strong voiceof reason even when that voice is very sarcastic. It’s you, Kala. It’s alwaysyou.”

---