Page 159 of Call Me Mrs. Taylor

Unsettled, I nod. It’s easier than saying no again. But also?

A small part of me doesn’t wanna close the door all the way.

Just in case.

46

Raya

Ace flipped the script. He’s the one keeping secrets now.

Well, one secret.

He refuses to tell me when he’s gonna do it.

Every morning I wake up, going on two weeks now, and lie there staring at the ceiling, wondering if today’s the day Daddy’s heart stops beating. I feel around the bed, excited when Ace isn’t there, because maybe he left early to kill Daddy before work. And every day, I’m disappointed when I pull up to the house and see Faith’s car in the driveway. I wanna see an ambulance. A fire truck. Better yet, the coroner. Something that tells me the deed is done.

I’m at the house now, changing out my clothes for the week. I’m so tired, I might just sleep here tonight. I’ve been meaning to, anyway. I’ve been debating something.

A last goodbye.

I’ve been going back and forth for a while now, wondering if there’s any benefit. What some people call closure, I think. I would be doing it for me, not him, but I don’t know if it’s worth it.

I know exactly what I wanna say. The words sit hot and bitter on my tongue like venom. I want to tell him how he ruined me before I ever had a chance to become somebody worth loving. How he filled his own daughter with so much shame she couldn’t even look at her own reflection without seeing imaginary dirt smeared across her skin.

I want to tell him how much I hate men because of him, but even worse, how much I hate men for not redeeming themselves. I didn’t get to see for myself how horrible they are. He showed me that, and they proved himright. That’s worse. So much worse. I wanna tell him how he ruined my instincts and made me distrust my own body. How he made me hate everything associated with him, even benign things like that disgusting green dish soap.

I wanna tell him about Ferris.

When that boy entered the picture, my father exited stage left. He knew I would tell a boyfriend. My first love. So he slunk away like the coward he is. I was relieved. I thought I was safe. Then Ferris showed me who he was at his core.

A man.

The hitting didn’t hurt as much as what Daddy did, but it was enough. Itreinforcedwhat Daddy did. But I’d already learned the lesson. Nobody was coming to save me, so I had to save myself.

It’s ironic, though. I didn’t punish Ferris until after it was all over. There was this old movie on,A Thin Line Between Love and Hate, and there was a woman on there, not unlike me, or so I wanted to believe. Beautiful. Successful. Boss bitch. Worthy. Until a raggedy man came along to unravel her. That’s the thing about men, that’s what they do. They show up to ruin women’s lives, bending and twisting us until we break.

I kinda liked how she broke, though. Something about it really spoke to 19-year-old me. It spoke so loud, I got my own orange and dropped it into my own pillowcase, then I stared at my dirty reflection while I beat myself senseless. My skin split. My eye swelled shut. Blood splattered everywhere. But I liked what I saw in that mirror. It was ugly and scary and brilliant.

I was in control.

And revenge…it’s true what they say. It really did taste sweet.

It was so fucking perfect. Daddy came home, saw me, and flipped out. Howdareanother man hurt the one he hurts most?

I could see it in his eyes when the police came. He was loving playing the aggrieved father. He wanted justice, dammit, and he wouldn’t stop until he got it.

Ferris got thirteen years for felony aggravated assault. I remembered he still had my old phone, so I lied and said he robbed me, too. I remember how good it felt seeing him dragged away in handcuffs, proclaiming his innocence, while Daddy sat next to me, an unwitting pawn in the whole scheme.

I’m grateful to Ferris. He was my hot stove. And Daddy?

I left court that day knowing he was next.

That’s what I wanna tell him. I wanna see his face when he realizes he created a monster. I want him to know I manipulated him and used him. I wanna ask him how it felt to be used. But he can’t answer.

Thanks to me.

It took me a while to build up the courage to tell Aunt Tori. Honestly, the only reason I told her was so that she would help me get rid of him. I didn’t expect sympathy or even allegiance to me over her own brother, but…that’s what I got.

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