Page 91 of On the Beat

The look on her face is more than wistful. It’s genuinely concerned, with the kind of dark circles and furrowed brow that speaks of long, sleepless nights tossing and turning over those you love–wishing you could save them but knowing their lives are beyond your control.

I hate to see her looking at me like that.

“Mom, I met a girl,” I say before I even know what I’m saying. It’s not just to make her happy, I know that much. It’s real. “Her name is Isla.”

My mother’s expression does such a complete one-eighty that I’m surprised her head doesn’t start spinning on her neck. “Oh, really? Ryder, that’s wonderful news! I’m so happy to hear that. How did the two of you meet?”

I drag in a long inhale. “It’s kind of a long story, but do you remember my college roommate, Paulo? Well, she’s his cousin…”

Chapter 39: Ryder Black

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you know where I live,” I say when Isla shows up on my doorstep at 2 am. “You are a stalker–or should I say,journalist?”

It’s a low blow, but it works.

Though, I thought she would flinch or yell or get mad. Instead, she nods, accepting the accusation. “I know what I did was wrong–”

“Come in.” I open the door wider. “We can talk in the living room.”

It’s the homiest area of my house, though nowhere near as homey as the trailer I grew up in or the cozy bungalow my parents live in now.

“I got your address from your assistant.”

“Well, she won’t be my assistant much longer if she’s giving out my address to random strangers.” Though, of course, I don’t mean it. I’m sure Mia Rose meant well, and shehasseen Isla before.

“I told her I was Paulo’s cousin,” Isla says, hovering uncertainly next to the couch.

I sit down and put my feet on the coffee table. Maybe if I relax my body, my mind will stop racing a million miles per second. “That’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“I’m not incapable of telling the truth.” She perches on the sofa next to me, running a hand over its corduroy fabric as she traces her fingernail over each ridge, concentrating on her task instead of looking at me.

“I never said you were.” The TV still plays a baseball game on mute. I watch as someone slides on the red sand on the baseball diamond to make it to the next base. “You know, I’ve been thinking about what you said in my dressing room.”

“And?” I watch her shoulders stiffen.

“And, I read your notebook.” I pick it up off of the table, where I’ve been thumbing through it. “I read it even before you gave it to me. When you went to the beach with your family, I read a few pages of it.”

“I don’t care about that.” She finally turns to look back at me. Or maybe, just at the worn notebook in my hands. “I thought I did, but I didn’t.”

“What do you mean?” This notebook looks like it contains her freakin’ life’s work. Now she’s telling me that she doesn’t care about me reading it before she ever gave me permission to?

“I mean… I mean what I said. This whole time that I was with you in El Nido, I thought it was just a fling and that it was going to end anyway, so what was the point whether I lied to you or wrote the article about you or wrote it about your brother? But then, when we were apart… When I had ruined everything… I realized that wasn’t true at all.” She fidgets with the fringe on a throw pillow that Poppy picked out for me. “I don’t want this job if I can’t have you. That’s part of why I quit.”

“Well, I don’t know where you want to go from here.”

I know where I want to go from here.

But I don’t know if what she wants is to break what’s left of my tattered heart.

God, I should’ve seen this coming.

“You’re what I want. I want to be with you. I want–” she stops, her voice hitching on a ragged breath. “You deserve better than someone who just uses you for articles. But I didn’t think… I didn’t think we’d get this far. When we were apart, I thought I would be fine, but I wasn’t. I missed you.”

I can’t do this. I can’t be with her.

I can’t…

I can’t let someone in again. After everything that’s happened, I’m not sure if I can do this at all.

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