Page 41 of Contractually Wed

She came to stand next to him and her subtle sandalwood perfume came to him. A river of longing opened up, touched by memories of baking with her in a tiny kitchen, of hugging her and feeling so secure, of...seeing her strong face break into terrible sobs when she’d seen Papa’s body, of how long she’d spoken to him that night about how it wasn’t his fault. That Papa had loved them all, but he hadn’t been strong enough.

“You tried very hard that evening, after I...found him,” he said.

She frowned, an instant shadow of grief touching her eyes. A long sigh then. “You were always your Papa’s son. I knew how much you adored him and I also understood how betrayed you must have felt. Because I felt the same.”

The mug clattered onto the tiled counter with enough noise to wake the dead, but across the open space, sitting in the living room, staring at something in the distance, Jia didn’t even stir.

Apollo pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, the past and present combining and separating as if in a science fiction movie—one Jia had made him watch. “I felt so...helpless and angry.”

His mother, so tiny and small beside him, wrapped her arm around his waist and squeezed. “I wish I had helped you in a better way to—”

“No, Mama. You were right when you said that he could have been stronger for us. None of us wanted the wealth he lost or needed it. We would have moved into a hut with him and still been happy. He didn’t see that, didn’t realize the value of that and I...” his breath came in shallow pants “... I chose a path that made me lose you too.”

“But you have not lost me, or your sisters, Apollo,” she said, her voice steely in its resolve. “We have all been here, waiting for you. And you haven’t lost the kindness that was so much a part of your Papa’s either. All the good parts are still there.”

“I am not so sure.”

Mama covered his hand on the countertop. “You’re admitting defeat, Apollo?”

He laughed and examined his hands. “I’m admitting that everything I have done so that I never feel helpless again...doesn’t work. All the wealth, all the power I have amassed are no use to me when I want to...”

“What?” Mama said, following his gaze to the woman in the living room. The woman he realized held his heart in her slender, tender hands. “Tell me.”

“Something is wrong with her.”

It came to him slowly, as if he was moving through a fog, that his mother wasn’t surprised. “In what way?”

“She smiles but there’s a shadow. She talks but it’s different. She clings to me at night, but it’s as if she’s running away from some great sorrow. She will not tell me what it is and I’m afraid that she’s slipping from my fingers. I’m afraid that there is nothing in the world that I can do to fix this for her.”

“I have seen what you speak of, Apollo. She’s quieter than she usually is. Maybe she’s homesick?”

Apollo turned so fast that his neck hurt. “Did she say that to you?”

“She has been talking a lot about families and how they come to be. She asked if I had been happy with your father. She’s been begging Camilla and Christina to talk about children and families and how they knew if they were ready.”

Was that simply it, that she missed her damned family?

“I wondered if she...”

“She, what?” When his mother hesitated, Apollo grabbed her hand. “I’m going mad trying to figure this out.”

Her soft gaze lit on his face, carefully scrutinizing every inch. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you so worried?”

“Because I’ve pulled her away from her entire world, her family, her friends and she’s mine. Because I...”

Because he was in love with her and he would do anything to make the world right for her again. Except let her go, he added to himself.

Maybe it wasn’t love, then. Maybe it was something else. Maybe it was his need to control this too. Wasn’t love supposed to be selfless and grand and divine?

He felt the opposite, like there was a storm brewing in his stomach. Like he’d never know certainty in anything ever again.

“Please, Mama.”

“I wondered if she...” hesitation danced in her eyes “...is pregnant.”

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