“Maybe I do, but I’ve been an agent for a long time.If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s how to judge people.You’re good people Rory McDaniels.”

“You’re one of the few that think so.Even Noah… the last time I spoke with him… it wasn’t good,” I whisper.“I doubt he would want me here—and he doesn’t even know King is my brother.”

“If he wouldn’t want you here, he’s an idiot, but that doesn’t matter right now.”

“It doesn’t?”I ask him and finally I’m able to tear my gaze away from Noah to look at Gavin.

“No.You have things you need to say to him.This may be your only chance, so say them.It might help you heal,” Gavin says.

“I doubt anything can help me do that,” I tell him honestly.

“You never know until you try,” he responds and I nod in agreement, even if I’m pretty sure it won’t help at all.“I’ll leave you alone to talk with him.”

“He can’t hear me, Gavin.”

“Maybe he can.In any event, you can and that’s all that matters.”

I have no idea what he means by that.I just keep staring at Noah, wondering exactly what it is I even have to say to him.I close my eyes and allow myself to relive the memories I have of Noah and I.The good… the bad… and even the ugly.I’m so lost in them, I don’t hear the door close as Gavin leaves.

I’m too lost in the pain.

Chapter23

Rory

“This is crazy,”I whisper, standing up to go to Noah’s bedside.I hate the machines around him.He looks so pale and unnatural hooked to them.Even his beautiful hair has lost it’s shine.Dragon said he had lost so much blood that his body had just shut down and went into a coma-like state to protect itself, but from where I’m standing… he looks gone already.

Feeling foolish, I turn to walk away.I get to the door, my hand on the knob when I stop.It doesn’t matter if Noah can hear me.If he could, he probably would have ordered me out of the room already.It’s like Gavin said, even if Noah can’t hear me and if this is my only chance then, I do have things I want him to know.

I walk back and stand by the bed.I awkwardly work around the medical monitors and equipment to hold Noah’s hand.It’s surprisingly warm and a little puffy.Dragon mentioned he’d been having his lungs cleaned out because of an onset of pneumonia.

“Noah…” I start, but then stop as I try to figure out exactly what I want to say.What I say next, isn’t what I planned.What I say would probably be the last thing he wants to talk about, but that’s what comes out.“I lost our baby,” I whisper and the tears hit me without me realizing they were anywhere close to the surface.They spring up and run down my face.They run silently, unless you were looking, or could tell by the shudder in the breath I take, you’d never know it.Still, they might be the most painful tears I’ve shed and since I’ve cried often—especially lately—that means something.“I know you didn’t think the baby was yours, but it was and even knowing you didn’t want our child…I did.I really did, Noah.I don’t know why I’m here.You probably hate me….It sure seemed like you did and if you had found out King was my brother you would have hated me even more.I don’t think I could blame you for that.I hate that we share even a little bit of the same blood between us.Although, to be fair King is nothing like my mother.Even before my mother found joy with my stepfather, she wasn’t intentionally mean.She was just cold, distant and hurtful at times.She used to say that she lost herself in the vile darkness that was my father.That same vileness must have eaten away at anything else inside of King.When he was younger, he wasn’t like this.He was a happy little boy when he lived with us… at least I thought he was.”

I use the back of my hand to wipe my tears.I’m feeling more than a little self-conscious, maybe even stupid.I swallow hard as I try to get in control of my emotions.I’ve cried so many tears, I can’t continue crying them.Especially over a man who wouldn’t want them—a man who wouldn’t want me here.

“I… I’ve tried to keep Ryan safe.I’ll stay with him, until I’m sure your men can keep him safe or until I’ve made sure that King is no longer a threat.I know you never wanted me to, but I love him Noah.I think he’s the only thing that is keeping me going right now.I know you didn’t trust me, but I hope, if you can somehow hear me now, that you know I will die before I let King touch that little boy.I’ll kill him before he gets the chance.If your men can’t get to him, then I will and I’ll do it.You need to know that.I’ll make sure he’s safe.If that’s what you need to rest easy, then please know that I mean what I say.Ryan will never fall into that man’s hands.”

I sigh for a minute, a million other words coming to mind, but I can’t seem to say any of them.Instead I stare at Noah’s face.It’s almost painful to look at him.He was so vibrant, so intense and his dark eyes held mysteries that I couldn’t even begin to solve.It doesn’t seem like the man I fell in love with is even here—and maybe that’s the point.

Noah is gone.

Crusher was right—at least about one thing.This is for me and this is for Ryan.So, I decide to share my deepest worry.The one thing I haven’t shared with any of Noah’s friends and family.The one thing I don’t know how to address.

“I saw Vicki.I can’t imagine you with her, although if I’m honest, I was so caught up in you that I couldn’t imagine you with anyone.Anyone but me.That’s not what this is about though—not really.King… he has ways of making people fear him, he gets off on it.He’s done it to me my whole life.He likes to prove he’s smarter than you and I never realized that all along I was falling into his trap.Somehow, he knew I’d follow his breadcrumbs and end up where you were—even when that’s the last thing I wanted to do.Not that… Well okay, none of that matters now,” I mutter, getting lost with all of the thoughts going through my head.I take a breath and start again on the thing that worries me over everything else.“King needed Ryan to fear him, to teach him a lesson.He used Vicki to do that, Noah.It was bad, so bad.She was wasted and he offered her more, although I think it had other stuff in there….But… she chose the drugs over her son, Noah.She even told Ryan…” I break off, the memory still jarring even now.“King killed her in front of Ryan, Noah.Ryan saw it all… heard too much.I tried to shield him, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t and now… I think he’s blocked it out.I’m pretty sure.He doesn’t talk much about that time, but lately he’s been crying a lot.He… he’s holding it all in.Heneedsyou.Dragon and Crusher seem to think you could fight to come back.If you can, then that is your reason.Ryan needs you, Noah.But… if it’s too late, I’ll try.I’ll try,” I whisper.“They want him to see you now.I… I don’t think that’s a good idea, but I’ll talk to Ryan first and if this is what he wants, then I’ll bring him in to see you.”

For a second, I think I feel Noah’s hand jerk in mine.I stare at our hands, squeeze his as best I can and wait to see if it happens again.

Nothing.

Disappointment fills me, but that quickly leaves and I just feel foolish.This isn’t the movies and Noah won’t just magically wake up because he senses me.He never loved me and there at the end…

I bend down to place a small kiss on his forehead.“I loved you,” I murmur against his forehead.“I loved you and I would have loved our child just as fiercely.But you can rest knowing I’ll always love Ryan.I’ll protect him.”I pull away, realizing there’s nothing else to say, even if it doesn’t feel settled.I’m letting him go all over again, and there’s really nothing to make it better.I walk slowly to the door and then I turn around right as I get there.

“Goodbye, Noah,” I tell him, the words carrying a pain that surprises me.I thought I was prepared, but maybe I was wrong.Maybe… somewhere deep inside I was hoping for a miracle too.

I open the door and just as I take a step outside alarms begin to go off around Noah.I jerk around, fear mixing with the pain.I said goodbye, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to be here when he dies.

I just…don’t.