Page 213 of Savage Brothers MC: Tennessee Chapter

I wanted to hear its cry.

I wanted to be its mother…

Its.

That’s what my baby is… an it.I can’t give it a name.

The realization that I will never know if my child was a girl or boy hits me and it hits hard.It feels like a sucker punch to the abdomen, so hard, so horrific that it takes my breath.My chest hurts, my heart contracts and still the breath won’t come.I can’t get oxygen into my lungs.The pain is so intense, I feel like I’m having a heart attack.Finally, I gasp loudly, the sound broken and trembled, as a small amount of oxygen finally gets pulled into my lungs.

More tears fall; tears that are torn from my body as I grieve a life I couldn’t protect.A child…that I never held.A child I won’t even be allowed to bury.To the world, the child wasn’t even real.I wasn’t far enough long for it to even count as a person to them… but it was to me… to me…it was…everything.

“Rory, honey…”

My body jerks as I lift up.Through my tears, I see a blurry image of Nicole.I recoil, my body moving towards the wall—wanting as far away from Nicole as I can get.It isn’t logical or even right, but at this moment I feel like she’s the enemy.She has children, two with one coming soon from the looks of her.

Why is it she gets three children and I couldn’t have one…

“I want to be alone,” I whisper, the words slurred through my sobbing.

“Rory, let me help you.”

“You can’t help me,” I tell her, shaking my head back and forth in denial.

“I want to try,” she says approaching me cautiously, as if I was a wounded animal…and I am.I’m so wounded, so broken that there will never be a way to completely put me back together again.How could there be?

How can I be whole when my child is no longer a part of me?

“There’s nothing you can do,” I tell her, still shaking my head back and forth, my heart beating so hard it feels like it might break free from my chest.

“It might help if you talk to me, get it out to someone who understands?—”

“You don’t understand!You could never understand!Your life is perfect!You have everything!”

“Rory—”

“I have nothing.I’ve lost everything,” I respond, not really listening to her now.Instead, I’m losing myself into the darkness inside of me that’s threatening to swallow me completely.

“Oh God, you’ve heard about Diesel,” she whispers.It doesn’t hit me.I don’t truly understand what she’s saying.I’m too lost in my misery.

“Leave me alone,” I plead with her, misery coming off of me in waves.How can she not feel it?

Why won’t she leave me alone?

I’m rocking back and forth, feeling as if I’m dying inside, when Nicole’s arms go around me and she pulls me into her body.I want to pull away, recoil from her touch, but I’m too lost… too tired.My head drops down and I look at her stomach.I don’t want to.I hate myself when I do it, but I reach down and touch her stomach.It’s warm, solid, firm… real… Nothing like the emptiness and death inside of me…

“I never wanted anything,” I whisper.

“Rory,” Nicole whispers, but I tune her out.These words aren’t for her.They’re for my baby.

“I never wanted anything,” I repeat.“Until you, my precious baby.Even knowing it wouldn’t be easy, I wanted you.I wanted to give you a good life, a life I hadn’t gotten, but needed to make for you.I wanted you safe and happy.I wanted to hear you laugh, watch you grow.I wanted to be there when you took your first steps, when you skinned your knees, when you rode your first bike… I wanted it so bad,” I cry.My voice is raw and I don’t know how I’m still crying.You would think there would be no tears left, but they don’t seem to ever end… more and more just keep coming.“I wanted to watch you fall in love, I wanted…God…I wanted everything and now… now…” I break off, my entire body shuddering in time with the breath I take.

“Oh Rory,” Nicole cries softly, but I’m too far gone to acknowledge her.

“Now it’s all gone.You’re gone,” I cry.“You’re gone and I don’t even know if you were a girl or a boy.I don’t know what your smile looks like, what your voice sounds like, your cry, your laugh…”

“Rory, honey…”

“I don’t know anything.They say you weren’t real, but you were real to me.I loved you and now… Now you’re just gone….”

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