Page 45 of Nocturne

Murderer.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t bother wiping my tears. They would only keep coming.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this numbness coating every inch of me.

I’ve been selfish, focused on survival at any cost. I was ready to pay the price—ready to live with the guilt of taking lives to save my own.

For my sister.

I couldn’t leave Iyra orphaned so soon after we lost everyone. I couldn’t leave her under his scrutiny, blind to the danger he posed. I was terrified of what he’d do to her once his twisted fixation with me ended.

But that was then. Iyra is safe now. She has her own life, her own friends, and maybe even someone special. She’s happy.

Sitting here, consumed by anguish and chaos, I can’t help but wonder:Was surviving worth it?

Why am I still here?

I’m not moving forward. I’m not escaping the demons. No matter how hard I try, the trauma still haunts me.

I should be able to live alone, to love my own company, to not dread the silence. But I hate it. Ihatebeing alone. I hate being left to stew in my thoughts, especially now.

Maybe everyone would be better off without me.

What about Cas?

I squeeze my eyes shut, recalling his face when I told him that he would be coming home with me forever.

His face lit up with a blinding smile, stretching his chubby cheeks wide. His unique eyes sparkled with joy as he looked at me like I hung the moon. He hugged me tight, refusing to let go for an hour. His glee was infectious as he danced around, gathering his things and announcing to his roommates that he was leaving.

But I remember how the light dimmed when Ellie told him he had to wait another week for the documents to be approved. I remember how hard he tried to hold back tears as I left theorphanage that evening, even after I promised him a hundred times it was only temporary. That no one would take him from me again.

Can I break that promise?

No.

I can’t let these thoughts consume me—not now, not when I’ve taken on the responsibility of caring for him. I can’t let him down. Letting my family down was one thing; I won’t do it to him. He needs stability. Someone to look up to, someone he can rely on.

I have to push the demons away, make room for something better—for him. He needs a safe, happy space to grow. A healthy environment, like the one Ma and Papa gave us.

There is a pinch in my heart at that reminder.

They would’ve loved the little guy. I can imagine the grins on their faces while they played with Cas. I can imagine Papa taking him on his evening strolls while Ma stuffed his face with the new mouth-watering recipes she often concocted in the kitchen.

A faint, sad smile touches my lips as I open my eyes and gaze out at the sea. A gentle breeze brushes against my cheeks, and for a moment, I let myself believe it’s Ma, trying to comfort me.

“I miss you guys,”

I miss them every day.

I miss Ma every time I open my wardrobe and find the clothes I stole from her closet. I miss Papa every time I do my taxes wrong. I miss my grandpa every time I use the grill.

I miss them so deeply it hurts. They were my greatest cheerleaders, my most treasured ones—the people in my corner, always there, no matter what.

“Next time, I’ll bring Cas along,”

I set the brandy bottle beside me, smiling at the ocean. The wind picks up, and I chuckle softly, imagining my parents are cheering at my words. It might sound ridiculous, even in my head, but it’s all I have left—and I’m holding onto it.

“I think Iyra is working too hard,” I worry out loud.

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