Page 94 of You Cake My Breath Away

“I’m not sure yet.” I pull her to my side. “I’ll have a better idea of what’s to come once I’m there, but I know I have a few weeks of non-stop shooting.”

Her lip pokes out like it’s not the answer she wants, and to be honest, I’m not sure it’s the answer I want to give. I hate the idea of being away during the holidays. I love Nora and Shantel, they’re my family. But I can’t pretend all is well, that inside I’m not heartbroken because of what happened with me and Tilly, and the longer I stay here, the harder it gets to not beg her to understand the position I was put in, the reasons I didn’t challenge Jessie for a chance at loving her myself.

“Are you going to say goodbye?” Shantel asks.

I know she’s talking about Tilly, but the muscles in my throat constrict even thinking about saying goodbye to the woman I’ve spent years loving, the woman I’m leaving behind for an opportunity of a fresh start.

“I’ll let you know when I land.” I give them both another hug and get into my truck.

Shantel’s frown of disappointment follows me as I get onto the interstate. Aware of the time it’ll take me to get through San Antonio’s small airport, I chance a drive down to The Pearl toward the bakery and pull onto a side street.

One last look, I tell myself.

If she’s in there I’ll stop and say goodbye.

The poker chip stares back at me from the cup holder, a beacon of change just out of reach. Ever since Sebastian died, this chip has been a constant in my life, a compass pointing me which way to go. Most of the time it’s pointed me in the right direction, but occasionally it’s been a thorn in my side, giving me an answer I didn’t want, like when it made me believe I didn’t deserve Tilly.

Staring at it now, I want to laugh at the hold it has on me. The sheer insanity that makes me grab it and flip it into the air, hoping it lands on what I want it to so that I can pretend it’s the universe and not me telling myself I don’t deserve everything I want.

Disgust infiltrates my bloodstream, and I lose the battle I’m fighting. My thumb thrusts the chip into the air, and I ask myself one last time if I deserve Tilly. It lands on my thigh, and the weight of its answer burns through my jeans.

Heads.

I close my eyes against the tears threatening to overtake me and punch the steering wheel, angry at my brother, my family, and myself for making me feel this way, for not fighting for the things I’ve wanted.

A knock at my door startles me, and I curse myself for stopping on this side street when I see it’s Deidre at my window. It takes everything in me not to give her the finger and tell her to screw off, but I know her anger was borne out of insecurity I created in her.

“You okay?” she asks, forehead creased when I roll down the window.

I nod and clear the tears away with my sleeves. “I’m fine.”

“Here, you need this more than me.” She hands me a coffee with a surprisingly warm smile on her face. “What’s wrong? Why are you…sulking in your car?”

I give her a side eye as if she deserves any explanation after the way she acted.

“Oh, come on, Archer. I apologized.”

I grunt. “Not to the right person.”

She sighs. “I’ll apologize to her the next time I see her.”

I shake my head. “No, she deserves it now.”

“Fine,” she huffs. “Trouble already in lover’s paradise?”

There’s no bite to her words, but a hint of amusement. I don’t reply.

“She’ll come around eventually.”

I rub my forehead, confused as to why she thinks I’d discuss anything about Tilly and me with her. She mistakes it as confusion of who she’s talking about.

“Tilly.” She shrugs. “She’ll get past all the bullshit and realize you guys are meant for each other.”

I blink, confounded by her words. “Are you okay?”

She laughs. “I’m fine, Archer. I knew years ago Tilly would always be the one for you. I guess I just wanted to hurt you like you hurt me before you figured it out, but I know that’s just as shitty.”

I curl my lips over my teeth. Part of me feels bad for leading Deidre on for so long, but back then I didn’t realize I’d never get over Tilly. At first, I thought I could force myself to get over her by sleeping around, and when that didn’t work, I tried dating someone long enough that the feelings would vanish. That didn’t work either, and I ended up hurting a good woman.

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