Page 87 of You Cake My Breath Away

And even though I understand why Archer treated me the way he did, why he needed to push me away, I still can’t fathom the fact that he chose to give up instead of fighting all those years ago. For assuming what my choice would be and letting our lives play out this way because of a stupid poker chip. I can’t help feeling like the choice of who I wanted to pursue me was stolen right out of my hands.

I glare at the gravestone, hands digging into the loamy soil surrounding me. “How can you tell if our love was true if you didn’t give me the chance to truly pick you?”

“You would’ve chosen him,” a voice answers me, and I startle, nearly breaking my neck when I whip around and find Shantel leaning against another headstone behind me, orange sunlight cresting over the horizon behind her.

“What are you doing here?” Wiping snot and tears away, I look back at the headstone in front of me, willing the words to come from Jessie. From the man I thought loved me.

“Archer called and said you needed me, but he didn’t tell me what happened.”

I scoff. “I wonder why.”

She rolls her eyes, a small smile on her face. “When I couldn’t find you at the house or the bakery I came here. Figured you might be in a weird headspace.”

“Something like that. I guess arguing with your dead husband about his decisions is kind of a weird spot to be in.”

“You know, Jessie might’ve been the one to ask you out, but you had the opportunity to say no, to tell him you were interested in Archer, but you didn’t.”

Her truthful words slam into me, and shame rises in my chest.

“He was the person your heart wanted back then, even if you can’t see it right now. You guys were meant for each other for the time he had left on this earth.”

I gnaw on my cheek, begging my brain to be silent. For years, I thought I was destined to be alone, that everyone I loved would eventually leave me. Mom died too young, and Dad preferred to work rather than be around me, and then Jessie died. I didn’t want to open my heart to that kind of pain again, but Archer beat down the door and set up shop. Then, he demolished any trust we built by not being honest about our interactions.

He broke down my walls and kept his up.

“How didn’t I see that they were both interested?”

She shrugs. “You saw what you were meant to.”

“Did you know Archer had feelings for me the entire time I’ve been with Jessie?” My stomach lurches, and I cover my mouth to stop anything from coming out. “How did Jessie feel about it?”

She sighs. “I’m pretty sure everyone knew but you.”

It’s a gut-punch to realize everyone saw it but me. I want to be angry at her for knowing about Archer’s feelings and keeping it a secret, but I know she was in a difficult position.

“It’s easier to see things when you aren’t involved, and as for how Jessie felt? He knew Archer would never cross that line, and that you wouldn’t either.”

“But I did,” I whisper, emotions tightening my throat.

A firm tap against my thigh brings my attention to Shantel crouching beside me. She stares at Jessie’s headstone with a small smile and nods like they’ve had some secret conversation. Most times when I’ve visited his gravesite I’ve done nothing but cry, but this time I came angry, readyto smash the headstone to pieces with the anvil of hurt anchored in my chest.

“No, you didn’t. You loved Jessie with all of your heart. And now that he’s gone—” she pauses then squeezes my shoulder, “—you have space for Archer.”

I shake my head, not ready to admit I’m too scared to let him love me. How could I ever measure up to the woman he’s built up in his mind? He doesn’t know I spend an hour every day hyping myself to wear the clothes I love, or that for years I’ve thought I would never be a good enough baker to have my own bakery. He doesn’t know that I sometimes fall into spells when the grief hits so hard I can’t get out of bed for days, barely managing to bathe myself. He only sees the best parts of me, not the ugly ones.

“Let’s get some breakfast.” Shantel holds out her hand, urging me to get off the dewy ground.

“I can’t.” I run my hands down my face, clearing the remnants of my breakdown as I hop up. “I’ve got to find another carpenter to help with the bakery and get a lawyer.”

“A lawyer?” She stops me from walking toward my car. “For what?”

“To take over the lease from Archer.”

“I’m confused,” she says, bumping my shoulder. “But, we can talk about it over mocktails and bacon.”

Hand latched on the door, I pin my shoulders back, chin raised high. “Nothing to talk about. We got it out of our systems and can move on.”

I thought it would get easier each time I said it, but the knife in my chest twists every time the lie comes from my mouth. As much as I hate to say it, I doubt I’ll ever get Archer out of my system. And maybe that’s my penance. I chose to fall in love with my husband’s best friend, chose tolet myself crave his touch, his lips, and his laughter, and now I’m suffering the loss…again.

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