Page 27 of Hold On

It isn’t hard to picture Bash wanting to die back then. His home life was a fucking wreck. He was constantly beaten by his dad, verbally abused and denied basic necessities like food and housing. And his fucking mom pretended it all away in silence with home cooked meals that Bash was hardly allowed to participate in. So yeah, it isn’t hard to imagine him wanting to die. But ithurts. It breaks my fucking heart. And just like my brother, I’d been clueless.

Then it hits me.

“You told me you were going out of town that night.” He nods.

“It seemed better to tell you that than the harsh truth of it all up front,” he replies.

“Why was I so important in you deciding not to go through with it?” I ask softly as he pulls the sticky weed apart.

“You were so fucking beautiful and kind to me. And you made me laugh. Do you remember that?” he asks. Ihadmade him laugh. He had laughedhardat my joke about his name. “Laughter is so much more important than people realize. My mind was empty and dark until you helped to remind me to turn the light on, Lina Girl.”

“Bash, I’m so fucking happy you held on,” I sob through a thick wave of tears, his face wet with his own.

“You better do the fucking same now.” I shake my head eagerly as he levels me with an intense stare, daring me to deny him.

“I’m not going anywhere, Bash Cox,” I promise as I crawl upon my knees to his face and kiss him deeply, my neck straining from the awkward angle. But I don’t give a fuck. I’ll do whatever I have to do to get mine after all these years. Bash groans loudly as I snicker, posted at his lips. “Problem?” I innocently ask as he pulls away with an eye roll.

“My dick is about blast off to the fucking moon, Alina. I’m hard as shit,” he complains as he points at his crotch. I fall to my shoulder, rolling around the desk on my back, laughing my ass off. He scoffs at me and grabs the Swisher, ripping the package open with his teeth. I cock a brow at him, turning over onto my stomach.

“Iaman actual whore. I can take care of that for you,” I joke casually as I grab at his leg. But he jerks away from my touch. I immediately feel dirty, the look on his face not making it any better.

“I don’t want to fuck you because you’re a whore, Alina. And you’re not a fucking whore, alright? I mean, you’re a sex worker, ok? I hate that word when you use it in regards to yourself,” Bash spits angrily, splitting the Swisher aggressively as I shrinkbefore him. My brain is fucking spinning. Luke does everything he can to keep me deflated by calling me all kinds of names, telling me over and over again how worthless I am. And Bash is equally forceful with his wants for me. I know he means well, but I feel like a fucking idiot trying to sort everything out. Before I’m aware of what I’m doing, I’m walking out the door of the classroom for some air. Just as I thought we had found common ground, I’m back to square one with Bash.

Sebastian:

I sigh heavily, knowing I once again fucked up. I’m sure it had something to do with my tone and body language. It just fucking angers me to hear her talk about herself like that. I can’t imagine anyone is boosting her self-esteem. Look at what that fuckhead did to her face. I think back to the fucker I pulled off of her behind the bar. It’s hard to imagine either of those assholes praising her for a blowjob well done. I clench my fucking fists together, angry at the world for what it’s done to my Lina Girl and shred the empty Swisher in my hand in the process. The thought of these dickheads touching her enrages me and before I know what I’m doing, a stack of chairs is thrown to the ground, the clatter satisfying my need for the violence that’s erupted inside of my soul. I know it was her choice to leave and go back home last night, butfuck,I should’ve stopped her. I’m a goddamn idiot for letting her get into that stupid fucking Uber.

She even warned me. I should have tied her to a fucking chair like I had originally thought about. I think I’m howling again; the sound is so strange to my ears. I stopped crying, yelling, making sounds of grief long before I had decided to kill myself the day I met Alina. My dad hated my cries, and my cunt mother ignored them. It only made his beatings worse. Alina could only help me for so long before her own life fell apart, butat the time I didn’t know any of that and I hated her for leaving me too.

I kept it all inside.

The only time I ever released anything was when I performed. And that eventually became so painful, I had to numb myself. I self-soothed with alcohol and heroin. And then my shows went to shit as my mental health nosedived alongside it.

Tonight, everything is coming out as I sob on the stupid detention room floor. I don’t feel thirty-two. I feel like that eighteen-year-old kid who couldn’t hold on anymore. I feel like the boy who failed his mom and provoked his dad for some unknown reason he never understood. In rehab, I learned his anger wasn’t my fault. But it still feels that way as I grab myself and hug my body fiercely, trying to fill my aching heart with the love that was absent since my childhood.

And then I hear her.

She’s back inside, beside me once again, picking up all the broken pieces that were never hers to fix. Yet every time she does, she puts me back together into a version of myself I never knew I was allowed to be.

“It’s ok, Bash. I’m right here, baby.”

She’s a fucking angel. An ethereal being sent here from some far-off celestial origin to bless me during this lifetime.

“I don’t deserve you,” I sob as I break, all the fears I’ve ever kept inside rearing their ugly head. “I never meant to make him so angry. I don’t even know what happened or what I did,” I stutter emotionally. Alina’s face is right by mine, her eyes open and wet, her hand stroking my cheek as I break again, over and over before her. “I tried so many times to ask my mom for help, Lina and she’d tell me it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be or that my dad showed his love in weird ways.Weirdways?!He beat me with a fucking bat!!” I scream obscenely.Alina jumps, but she doesn’t move away from me. If anything, she holds me tighter. “I got so close to killing him once, but I couldn’t fucking do it. Because I knew my mom would be angrier at me forkillinghim, instead of relieved I’dsavedher. That she’d hate me for taking her abuser!!” My vision is blurring as my emotions peak.

I hear Alina whimper from somewhere above me.

It’s the last thing I remember before I black out completely.

Chapter Nineteen - Then

Sebastian:

It’s been a perfect evening with the most perfect girl.

Alina fucking Timber.

She’s brought a spark back into my life. I can feel myself believing in good things again as I watch her dance every time she eats something she likes. When she wrinkles her nose at me when I say something sarcastic. The way she challenges me and jokes with me. How she licks my tongue like it’s the most delicious thing she’s ever had in her mouth. Her maroon hair is like a mane of fire around her flawless features and sets her green eyes off in the most magical way. And when she smiles,fuck!

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