Page 8 of Hold On

I feel the need to save her and protect her, yet I know in my gut there’s no way for me to do so without her resenting me. She’s never been the girl to just let others do things for her. She hates asking for help, at least she did back then, and I don’t see her exactly filling me in on everything up front. Especially after I slut shamed her in the car and embarrassed her in the bathroom.

I rest my forehead against the fridge in front of me and sigh heavily. What the fuck am I going to do? The thought of allowing Alina to leave here and return to that shit pile is devastating, but I won’t make her stay if she doesn’t want to. That’s not the kind of prick I am. Apparently, I’m just the asshole who verballyharasses their ex because they’re not the person they’ve dreamed them to be the entire time they’ve been apart.

Ok, ok. Iama prick.

I hear the floorboards creak as bare feet descend a couple of stairs. “Bash?” My name from her lips is like a shot of heroin to my vein as she appears before me, hair wet and towel tightened around her chest.

“You need clothes,” I assume, and she nods her head, her cheeks getting redder as she debates whether or not to say whatever she’s thinking. “Ok,” I nod quietly and follow her back up the stairs to my room. She moves to the side and allows me to breeze past her to a dresser that holds all my grungy clothes. I grab a pair of boxer briefs, sweatpants and a baggy shirt, handing them to her as she holds one arm out to me.

“I don’t wanna go back tonight.” She won’t look at me as she says it. I’m stunned she’s even admitting this to me at all. “It was so easy to be on autopilot before and pretend it wasn’t happening.”

“And now?” I ask breathlessly. I’m an idiot for hoping, but I can’t help it.

“And now it’s not.” Not with me here. That’s what she isn’t saying. But I see it in her eyes as they finally rake over my body and roam my face in search of all the love she’s been devoid of. She’s feeling too vulnerable though and turns away quickly, retreating into the bathroom as if I hadn’t just been inside of her perfect cunt minutes before. That’s fine. She deserves any sort of privacy she wants. Especially if it’s something I can freely offer her without paying. I don’t expect her to immediately shed all her burdens. But we’re heading in the right direction if she isn’t wanting to crawl back to that death trap. I sit on the bed and await her exit from the bathroom, cursing the fucked up Bengal Bar.

Alina:

He’s waiting on the bed when I leave the bathroom wearing all of his clothes. I must look frumpy as hell. He’s taller and larger than me so I’m swimming in his things, but it’s a feeling I remember loving back in the day. Being in Bash’s sweatshirt, lounging on the bed while he played the guitar for me. I loved our time together. And those exact memories are making it impossibly hard to want to return to my actual life.

I weighed my options in the bathroom. Either way, I’m in trouble. It’s already Sunday and I’ll be safe the next four days from having to see Luke, at least for work at The Bengal. It doesn’t really matter if I return or not tonight, as Albert was my last scheduled client. I was just gonna go back to see if I could score any stragglers, as well as assess the damage Bash did. That all sounds incredibly shitty compared to basking in the limelight of the rockstar in front of me.

But now that I’ve made my decision, I feel out of place. There’s so much standing between us, I’m not sure Bash and I can ever recover enough to resurrect what we had back in high school. He looks tired. The spark he once carried is gone, wasted away with all the empty bottles he’s upended and countless needles he’s fed his veins. Maybe we’re both so broken, it’s finally plausible to think it’d work between us.

I wanna see this man smile like the boy I knew back then. I decide I’ve been scared long enough and summon up some of the courage the girl I used to be possessed. I walk towards him and lift his chin gently, so he has to look into my eyes. I’m about to speak when he does so first.

“Stay with me,” he whispers, and I crumble, straddling him immediately and sinking into his arms. His fingers desperately hold me to his body as I breathe in his scent with all my might, afraid it’ll be the last time I get the chance to. We stay like thisfor a few minutes, connected heart to heart, enjoying the same shared space again. It’s everything we both need and as we pull away from each other, there’s a lightness between us for the first time since reconnecting. It feels so good I wanna cry.

“Let’s get some food,” he says timidly. I move to get off his lap, but he quickly snatches my jaw with his slender fingers. His long lashes are almost kissing his cheeks, his eyelids are so heavy. And for a moment, I see that kid I met in detention on my eighteenth birthday. His lips meet mine with a gentle press and his thumb pad swoops over the crest of my cheek softly. I’m whimpering as he breaks into a subtle smirk, lifting himself off the bed with my body in his arms. I’m carried down the stairs to the kitchen.

Chapter Five - Then

Alina:

Since my parents are gone, Bash and I decide to leave school together and head to my house after detention gets out. We walk to my car, and I can’t help but feel giddy as everyone gawks at us with one another. Bash is so handsome, he’s hard to directly look at. But I keep sneaking peeks at him as we cut through the parking lot. And let’s face it, I’m…decent. But it’s not like I’m anything to write home about. At least in my own shitty opinion. It’s hard for me to understand what he’s seeing in me.

But as Bash enters my car and silence settles over us, I find I’m looking at him again and taking in everything that he is. Because I never want to forget how incredible I feel right now. Something about our time in detention… we just clicked. And it felt fucking good. Don’t Ideserveto feel good? I think he feels it too. Otherwise, why would he be here? I keep asking myself that and have yet to come up with another answer.

“Do you have food at home or do you wanna pick up a pizza? My treat, birthday girl,” he says with a heart-stopping smile. I’m doing that thing again where I’m absentmindedly leaning into him as he talks, finding myself very close to his lips. He apparently doesn’t mind at all, because he’s suddenly reaching out and grabbing the back of my neck, pulling my face to his and devouring my mouth. I’m moaning uncontrollably as stars explode across my line of vision. He tastes so good, and his lips are warm and calming as they work themselves over mine, completely in sync with my own movements. Eventually, hepulls away as we pant together, our foreheads touching as we catch our breath.

“Sorry, Lina Girl. You’ve been teasing me all afternoon and I had to take my chance.” My eyes widen in complete shock. So I take one of my own.

“Kiss me again,” I demand and pull him to me without waiting for an answer. His hands grope my scalp and fist my hair as we connect for a second time, his taste now seared into my memory. I know if we don’t leave soon, we’ll make a fucking spectacle of ourselves, and I am not losing my virginity in the high school parking lot while the whole school watches. Not on my birthday and not fucking ever. I pull away reluctantly, Bash smiling wickedly at me as I ask about the previously mentioned pizza.

“I’ll buy, you fly,” he says as I start the car, and he leans the passenger’s seat back. He fiddles with my stereo and presses play on one of my favorite CDs, The Young and The Hopeless album from Good Charlotte. The beginning cords to Hold On start to fill the car and Bash suddenly pauses, his eyes large as he stares at nothing in particular on the dashboard. I’m quiet for a moment as I watch him listen to the song, allowing the words to wash over him. I furrow my brow, wondering why a song about not completing suicide is hitting him so hard. A thrill of fear shoots through my chest as I watch the cogs turn in this beautiful boy’s head. Something tells me there is more to this than he is willing to let on, especially when he catches my eye and shakes his head quickly.

I feel bad for ruining his moment, but I’m glad I got to witness it. It feels intimate in a way I wasn’t expecting and that’s when I realize all of our interactions have felt like that.

They’ve been extremely easy and meaningful.

I wonder if he feels the same.

Sebastian:

I’m not sure what she’s thinking as I catch her staring at me while listening to Hold On. It’s like a fucking sign from above telling me to keep going, just a little longer. And as I look to the gorgeous girl now driving us to get pizza, I can’t help but settle in and be grateful for the turn of today’s events. I hum along with the song and even play it again when it ends. Alina doesn’t mind. She smiles at me softly and turns it up, singing out loud. She knows every word and I feel proud as I watch her perform. She’sbeautiful. I’m feelinghappy.

“Is cheese, ok? Oh, maybe a few olives and mushrooms? And garlic sauce?” she asks in a rush. I’ve never heard of such a pizza, but I smile and nod enthusiastically anyway. I want to try everything she likes.

“It’s your birthday, Lina Girl,” I say as she squeals with glee. I laugh out loud, and she quickly joins me as she finally changes the song and lands upon the one the album is named for. She belts it out, nailing every word, even singing along to the guitar solo while giggling.

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