Page 60 of Hold On

“Is this… something you do for people who pay you? Sit with them and talk about their darkness?” His question is followed by nervous eye contact.

“You’d be surprised how many people open up to the whore,” I say with a sad smirk. “I’m one with that darkness. Secrets live there. Clients feel like they can trust me there too. Because they think I’ll never leave that darkness. That I’m stuck there along with their secrets.”

“I want to meet you in that fucking darkness, Lina Girl,” he whispers before crashing his lips against my mouth.

Sebastian:

“It’s a place where doomed lovers thrive,” she says as she releases my lips, then licks at my nose, nuzzling me afterwards.

“How can you still love me after all the shit I’ve put you through? Then and now?” I ask, feeling vulnerable and needy and broken before her.

“Because you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. Especially in your darkness and sadness. I’ll always remember that boy who put me before himself. Who worried about others, instead of his own well-being. The boy who didn’t kill himself so I could have a decent birthday. The best birthday I’ve ever fucking had. And now I see the man who’s brought me back to life. Who’s lifted me up and reminded me just who the fuck I am and have been! Who’s reminded me that I get to decide who Iwantto be, now and until I die. You’re everything to me Sebastian Cox. I’ll beat your mother any day for you, baby. And if I knew who hurt you while you were fucked up on tour, I’d slit their fucking throats. I meant it when I said I’d slay every one of your demons. And I’m starting with your ass, baby. Because demons hide in our sexual organs and I’m about to set you free.”

“That might be the scariest pep talk I’ve ever received, Lina Girl.” We both laugh a little at her fucking monologue.

“Yeah, that was a little much, but I meant it all,” she replies as I level her with a stare.

“This is the energy you need to murder Luke, baby,” I tell her honestly. She turns away.

“It’s so much easier to fight for you than myself,” she whispers. I understand what she’s saying. “But we’re in this together, right?” Her face is full of hope as she looks at me with those wicked green eyes I love so fucking much.

“Ride or die, Lina Girl. I love you,” I promise her, trying to look straight into her soul through those perfect fucking eyes of hers. I mean what I’m saying with everything that I am.

“Are you ready?” she asks breathlessly. I take a minute to ground myself before meeting her gaze.

“Where do you want me?”

I’m so fucking nervous, my hands are shaking. She smiles softly before climbing into my lap, straddling my hips, balancing on her knees over me.

“Shhhhh,” she whispers soothingly into my ear. I close my eyes as her voice takes over my senses. “If you’re ready for me to lead, say so. If you want me stop, the word is Tupperware.”

“Tupperware?” I snort. “Ok, I won’t forget that,” I say quietly as I fist her schoolgirl skirt in my hands.

“Say when,” she says soothingly, rocking her hips over mine, grinding herself over me and holding me to her chest. Her breasts squish into my neck and shoulders as I look up into her magnificent face. She smiles and I smile back shyly, her fingers massaging my scalp and setting my jaw at ease for the first time since she arrived in my room. I lean into her chest and appreciate the softness of her tits for a few more seconds before I decide it’s time to be brave. I pull away and nod at her.

“I’m ready.” She smiles, rewarding me for my effort. Her hips leave mine as she stands, her hand reaching down to help me up. She gets me to my feet, stripping the rest of my clothes off as she trails kisses over every inch of my exposed body. She grabs me with her arms from behind and before I know it, she’s walking me towards my bed. She holds me while I stare at it, my eyes glued to the mattress, wondering what’s coming next. Her nails begin to lightly graze my sides. I close my eyes from the sensation. I touch her hips with the palms of my hands and spread my fingers over the top of her ass, reaching behind me. She hums, the vibration buzzing through my torso as she begins to scratch her fingernails up and down my spine next.

With the lightest pressure, Lina begins to fold me over at my waist. My stomach clenches as my anxiety peaks. This is highly erotic, and my dick is definitely hard, but I’m scared. This is a compromising position, and it makes me feel out of control. I wonder how many women I made feel the same way when we fucked. By the time she gets me down to the mattress, bent completely at her will, I’m sweating. I pick a spot on the bed and stare at it. Her soft lips brush my ear.

“Sebastian,” she coos, and I whimper. “Tell me what’s happening,” she encourages. I pant for a couple of seconds before I’m able to answer her.

“I just feel… scared. Like I did when I was a kid. When you left. While on tour. I don’t know. I feel all the fear I’ve ever experienced in my life rushing in. I don’t like it,” I tell her honestly. Her nails trace patterns on my back as I lie before her. Then she climbs onto the mattress next to me. I feel a little more comfortable now that she’s not standing behind me.

“These feelings attach themselves to moments in time in our lives. And when the feeling arises, so does the trauma. Our bodies remember,” she calmly says as she continues to run her nails over my back. “Just feel into this position with me rubbingyour back. Don’t think about what’s to come. Just focus on the sensations you’re feeling now,” she coaches me. I do as she says, closing my eyes.

I feel the scratch of her nails and follow them with my mind. I can feel the resistance in my body at first, craving control and rigidness, wanting to stop Alina from guiding me. But I force myself to calm down, gradually melting into her movements and the feel of her fingers. My chest sinks lower into the mattress. “Fuck, you look so amazing relaxed on the bed before me, baby,” she says over me. The weight of her breasts are on my back as she holds me, physically grounding me into the bed. It feels so fucking good, I want to cry. “I love you, Bash Cox,” she whispers as I turn my head. Her face meets mine where I’m at. “That’s right, fuck doll,” she oozes sexily. I begin bucking my hips into the mattress at her praise. I want more of it instantly. I look into her eyes, silently pleading with her to continue. She can tell it’s having a positive effect on me. Lina grins as she watches my face. “I didn’t forget you said it earlier.”

My bottom lip trembles as she repeats my words back to me from all those years ago.

“I always used to think it was just me… who remembered it all,” I confess as a sob escapes my lips. I want to fuck her so badly when she shakes her head no.

“Nofuckingway,” she snarls, making me whimper for her again. She drags her tongue up the side of my face as my mouth opens with a silent moan that’s trapped inside my throat. “Is this the extent of how far you want to go tonight or are you ready for more?”

“More.”

It’s out of my mouth before I can register I’ve even said it. This power dynamic, the switch that’s occurred, it’s fucking doing it for me. I want to experience more of her this way. I loveseeing Lina so strong and sure of herself. It brings tears to my eyes.

“Ok, Bash. I’m going to stand behind you now,” she lets me know, narrating everything for my benefit. I’m ok until she’s moving towards my back. My hand whips out and snags her forearm, my fingers latching themselves around her bones, crushing her as fear completely overrides everything inside my head. She remains calm as fuck. But I’m absolutely paralyzed. The sensation of having someone looming behind me used to mean my father was about to beat the fuck out of me. It reminds me of being too small to fight back and how he used to overpower me with the element of surprise. “Talk to me, Bash.” Her voice is somewhat stable, but I know her well enough to hear the slight edge within it. I’m hurting her and I’m not meaning to. I’m just… frozen.

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