Page 59 of Hold On

“Eight fifty,” she throws at me and I Venmo her another nine hundred dollars. She rubs her legs together as the notificationrings out in my room before she checks her phone and the next thing I know, she’s unbuttoning her shirt and letting her breasts topple out. She bounces a little bit, jiggling them for me. It sends me into a tailspin. I have to pull my panting tongue back into my mouth.

“Jesus Christ, baby,” I complain absentmindedly as she smiles evilly. She licks her thumbs and swipes them over her perky nipples. They glisten in the light of my room. “You pretty, little tease,” I say as she smiles deeper. She’s still standing far away from me, and I know she’s doing it on purpose. She doesn’t trust me yet. She fully removes her shirt as she eats up my attention. “What do I call you?” I ask her and she shrugs.

“Who am I tonight?” Her voice is different. Alluring. Low. Provocative. If I’m being honest, her facade is completely intimidating. I’m holding on by a thread.

“How about the girl who broke my heart all those years ago?” I suggest and she shakes her head no, leaving me feeling small by her rejection. “You have something else in mind?” She nods her head yes. I swallow for a third time.

“I’m in charge,” she replies instead. I narrow my eyes, wondering what that means. “Can you be submissive?” She reaches into her jacket on the ground, grabbing something before walking up to me. Her fingers trail over the hard line of my shoulders as she continues behind me. I shiver as she rounds the chair I’m in and makes eye contact with me, dipping her head to mine. She holds up something silver in her hand. I realize it’s the smallest plug from the collection of purple hearts at the shed. She smiles at it before rolling it on her tongue, looking at me again. “Can you be my fuck doll tonight?” she whispers into my ear as I shiver.

Chapter Thirty-Two - Now

Alina:

Mmm.

Not to be a sadist, but the look of panic in Bash’s eyes is just alittlesatisfying if I’m being honest. His Adam’s apple moves every time he fearfully gulps, and his eyes are rounded and large as he stares back at me. I would never make Bash do anything he doesn’t want to, but I am asking him to rise to the challenge. He nervously strums his guitar before setting it down, running his hands through his hair.

I suck on the plug some more as I stare back at him, seeing into his soul.

Bash can’t take his eyes off me, the fear of what’s to come fighting his burning desire to try something new. “Have you ever experimented with anal before?” I ask him as he shrugs, looking highly uncomfortable, which makes me pause as I wait for him to answer.

“Honestly, I know I’ve done a lot of things regarding my ass on tour, but I was fucked up and on drugs for most of it,” he says as his face darkens. I nod, understanding immediately that this dynamic is touchy.

“Ok. If this is too much, then it’s not happening,” I assure him softly. He doesn’t say anything back for a minute, having a silent conversation with himself as I wait patiently for hisresponse. Tension fills the air between us as he stands, facing me.

“I trust you,” he finally admits quietly. He begins to take off his clothes, his fingers shaking as he works. My heart starts to race with the excitement this new territory is bringing. We never went this far in high school. Giving pleasure in this way wasn’t something I knew I needed back then. I discovered this kink later in life. I like to dominate when I’m in the mood to feel powerful. But I need to handle Bash carefully. Especially when he says, “I’m really nervous, Alina.” His confession solidifies my resolve.

I drop my facade in order to approach him in a way that makes him feel safe. “I need to ask you something,” I gently say. He nods his head in agreement, looking away from me. I stop him from continuing to strip himself and take his hands in my own. “Were those things you experienced during your tourconsensual?” His hands go stiff in mine and start to sweat. He pulls away from me as I do my best to stand my ground. It’s not personal. He’s just experiencing anxiety and fear as his trauma resurfaces.

“I don’t know, Alina,” he finally answers me.

“Then they weren’t. If you don’t know, then you didn’t say yes with resounding clarity,” I tell him. It’s probably something he’s hearing for the first time. He crosses his arms, holding himself defensively.

“Look, I was fucked up and it was my fault for being so fucking unaware,” he counters angrily as I harden at his words. He cowers in front of me.

“It wasnotyour fault if youdidn’tconsent,” I clarify heatedly, needing that to sink into his brain. Bash finally meets my eyes.

“I didn’t know so many people would take advantage of me while I was hurting so badly. I feel so stupid.” His confessionbrings tears. I nod, listening. His choppy breathing makes it harder for him to cling to himself as he implodes in front of me.

“Can I touch you?” I ask calmly. He looks scared as shit about any sort of contact. He doesn’t say anything for a minute but eventually nods his head yes. I approach Bash slowly, resting my hand on his arm at first. I stand with him, quietly making this subtle connection as he adjusts to my touch.

“I’ve never talked about this with anyone,” he admits embarrassed. I nod, understanding, thinking of all the things that went unsaid about my own trauma due to no one believing me.

“I’m right here,” I quietly assure him as I place my other hand on his body gently. He shivers but doesn’t pull away.

“I just thought because I was doing drugs and couldn’t get my shit together that I deserved it. Like my dad always beat into my head.” I break at that and now we’re both crying.

“You didnotdeserve to be taken advantage of due to your pain, Sebastian.” He cries harder when he hears his full name. I rarely use it. But it’s impactful for him to hear it in this moment. Because he needs to know how beautiful and necessary he is. I speak those exact words as he finally breaks down completely, allowing me to hold him when I grab him in my arms. We collapse into a pile on the ground as he sobs on my bare chest. I pet his head, kissing his hair as I cling to him tightly.

We lie splayed together for a long time. And eventually, Bash’s tears subside. He looks up at me from my chest. I smile at him, seeing a lightness in his eyes that wasn’t there before.

“I’m so sorry,” he mumbles as I shake my head.

“Don’t you dare apologize for healing, baby,” I sweetly chastise him, making him smirk as he nods back.

“I want to try it. The plug. With you.” His voice is so timid. I smile wider, so fucking proud of him for facing his fears head on.

“Really?” I ask excitedly. He nods gently.

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