Page 55 of Hold On

“Yourgirl? For theevening, right? You can pay top dollar for any hooker, and you decided to bagAlinawhile in town?” she jokes. Between her and I, it would’ve been funny. But Bash doesn’t know her like that and takes offense for me.

“I don’t appreciate your toneorwhat you’re saying,” he says lethally quiet. The darkness in his voice makes me turn back to the front. I’m slowly looking through outfits in front of me on a circular rack but policing the conversation beyond it. My eyes keep flipping back and forth between the two. Violet looks at me confused, holding her hands out in disbelief.

“I’m sorry, I just assumed he was a client,” she apologizes, her face draining of color. “I’m so fucking sorry,” she meekly says to us both as she avoids all eye contact.

“Alina won’t be working for Luke much longer,” Bash growls as he walks away from her to join me. I can’t meet his eyes. I’m so embarrassed. He sighs and strolls over to the toy section alone, busying himself with the vibrators. Violet runs to me when his back is turned. I do what I can to calm her down, but her nerves get the better of her as she claws me with her sharp acrylic nails. They sink into my arms as I grit my teeth.

“You didn’t know,” I assure her, trying to get her to release me, but she’s shaking her head, still feeling sorry for herself.

“I fucked up, Lina,” she keeps repeating and I shrug.

“I’m a fucking whore.Hedoesn’t know me as one, but that’s what I’ve been doing for a long time and it’s something I can’t wait to put behind me,” I whisper. She pauses and stares at me, scared for a new reason.

“Wait, he meant what he said about you not working for that dick anymore? Are you taking out Luke? That’s nothing to just throw out so casually,” she says quietly, making sure no other customers can hear her as her head whips over her shoulder. “Be careful,please.”

“A plan may be forming. But you knownothing,” I say seriously. She nods aggressively before looking to her feet.

“He hurts a lot of my friends.” Her eyes bore into mine when she finally raises them. I nod my head, knowing the specific pain she’s talking about.

“Not for much longer,” I promise her. Violet hugs me tightly. Seeing the outfit I’m eyeing, a grin forms on her face.

“I have that in your size. I’ll wave the cost of it for you guys. As my way to apologize for my bad timing,” she says timidly. I hug her again.

“Bash is loaded. Please don’t. It makes him happy to spend money on me. Let’s let him have this one. And I’m not mad. He’ll get over it eventually too,” I say as she smiles half-heatedly.

“I’ll go grab this in the back for you,” she says quietly before walking away. I sigh while I look around for Bash, but he’s disappeared. I find him absentmindedly staring at the racks on racks of porn on DVD and Blu-ray. He’s deep in thought, making me hesitant to walk up to him. I hope what Violet said isn’t making him second guess his decision to be with me. I try to duck out of the section before he sees me, but he notices the movement from his peripheral. I turn back and wave awkwardly, obviously caught. He smiles a little.

“I’m sorry. About what she said,” I babble before he can start the conversation. He scrubs a hand down his face. “Are you mad at me?” I whisper.

“Fuck, of course not, Alina. It’s just, don’t take this the wrong way. But did you picture us reuniting like this?” His pained tone of voice makes me feel defensive, but I have no words. Of course, this wasn’t what I had dreamed of or pictured for myself or for us. I shake my head, remaining silent. Bash sighs as he hands me his wallet, then leaves the store. I’m too stunned to verbally retaliate.

I feel hollow as I throw money on the counter for Violet, the outfit I chose inside a plastic bag, mocking me. It was fucking stupid of me to think that even Bash could withstand the shit I put people through. He was safer when I left the first time. At least the heartbreak had been more innocent. Or so I’m trying to tell myself as I leave the store alone and see him smoking a cigarette by his Audi. I clutch the bag to my chest but remain where I’m at without walking closer. He takes a long drag as he studies me. I look away, the shame I’m consumed in making me spiral.

“C’mon, Alina.”

His tone is sad and heavy. Nothing like before we entered the shop. I walk to his car, silent as a corpse as I plop down in the passenger’s seat.

That nagging feeling of wanting to die is back.

Sebastian:

I don’t know what to say. That bitch’s comment got to me. Joking around about Alina’s situation. It’s not ok with me, because any attempt at humor here is masking, strictly a copingmechanism. I know Alina has had to do what she’s had to do to get by, but I won’t just sit around and laugh about being one of herclients. Clients that abuse or rape her. It’s not fucking funny to me. It never fucking will be.

I get in the car after her, throwing my cigarette butt on the ground and grinding it out with my shoe. I take one last look at the sex store and roll my eyes. So much for the experience I was hoping to have. And now Alina is terrified. Sitting quietly next to me, thinking I hate her. Sebastian Cox, dickhead of the century. I curse myself over and over and over again as I reverse the car and pull away.

“You can’t just make everyone I know into an enemy,” she barks suddenly. I laugh without thinking, instantly ready to angrily fight with her. “It’s not fair. When I moved back to town with my dad, that was the last decision I had a say in. I didn’t ask to be the payment for his sins. But I’ve found a way to deal with it and so have the rest of us affected by it! I would really appreciate you not alienating my friends now that you’re finally becoming aware of what we’ve had to do to survive!” Her sexy lips are puckered in a pout as she stares at me with wide, offended eyes.

“Yeah, well, forgive me for not finding it funny! I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. Then to hear that shit so casually thrown around is infuriating!” I yell back at her. She rolls her eyes, smacking her hands to her thighs.

“We’re all at the mercy of Luke around here! Violet has loved ones who have died or been victimized by him too! We’re just doing the best we can! But we aren’t all as powerful as the all-knowing Sebastian Cox! Who apparently never does anything wrong or finds himself the victim!” I cringe at her words, gripping the steering wheel hard in my hands.

“You know that’s not fucking true,” I say through clenched teeth.

“Then stop fucking judging us all and just help us!” she screams. I finally break.

“Don’t you think I want to?!” I shout desperately. Her eyes water as she levels me with a hard stare. “My whole life, I’ve beenjusta step away from helping the ones I love and yet, Ineverfucking can! This shit is traumatizing me too, Lina!!”

Alina:

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