Page 44 of Hold On

I grab a pillow and hug it tightly, pretending it’s the most beautiful boy I met in detention all those years ago. With his blue, unfocused eyes and lazy smile. I focus on the sound of the falling rain outside to quiet my mind. My body eventually relaxes enough to fall asleep from exhaustion, plummeting me into a restless coma.

Sebastian:

It’s been hours.

The rain hasn’t stopped, and it’s starting to get dark outside. I’ve been pacing. I tried to play one of my guitars just to give my swollen fingers something to do, but I couldn’t concentrate and gave up. After zoning out for a long time, staring at the broken mess I made of my wall, I grabbed some frozen veggies from my freezer and began cleaning up the mess I left of my room, icing my knuckles while waiting for Alina to send word that she needs me.

It’s fucked, because I know that she does. Shedoesneed me. And I want to be there for her. But I’m trying to find that fine linebetween giving her enough time to calm down and not allowing her to feel abandoned if I take too long. It’s been a long fucking minute since I’ve heard from her though.

I ran over to her house and met with the cleaning crew alone. The place was fucking rancid. They just donned their masks and got to work. If I’m grateful for fame bringing me anything, it’s the money that came along with it. It makes getting shit I don’t want to do easier to get done. And there was no way Alina was cleaning that up on her own.

I have a sickening thought of her doing just that before I came back into her life and I physically shudder, feeling disgusted and horrified. I doubt that’s the first time she’s experienced abuse of that level from Luke and no one was around in the past to help her clean up the aftermath. What a fucking nightmare.

I sigh, my need to comfort her forcing me to finally take action. I grab my phone, unlock it, then throw it on my bed, thinking better of it. I rub my hands down my face, feeling stuck. I don’t want to push her or overwhelm her. But she was so devastated earlier. She looked like a wounded, caged animal that was going to fight her way out of my car or die trying. Remembering the deep-seated pain inside her green eyes is enough to make me finally pick my phone back up and text her.

Alina:

There’s a ping from somewhere in the haze that’s fogging my mind. I stir, feeling so fucking heavy and miserable. I don’t remember where I am. I’m not sure I want to break this cocoon of ignorance either. As I remove the covers from my head, it takes several seconds for me to register that I’m at Bash’s house in the shed down by the pond. Then I remember Luke and his earlier attack. I also remember screaming at Bash’s mom.

Woof.That fucking bitch.She deserved it. I don’t feel an ounce of regret at that spur-the-moment decision. My rage was uncontrollable, and she was a prime target for it.

I sit up and stare out the window, watching the ripples on the pond as the rain hits the surface. It’s such a peaceful sight. Even though I’m hollow, I appreciate it. I’m surprised I fell asleep because I felt so fucking scared, but then again, anxiety is exhausting, and I think my body put me out to recover.

My phone pings again, reminding me I have a message. The notification isn’t the one I have set for Luke. My legs feel shaky as they hit the floor, and I search my raggedy pile of clothes for my phone. There’s one missed text from…Bash. I cry out as I unlock the screen and enter the text thread. There’s the one I sent him earlier, and one he sent two minutes ago.

Lina Girl?

The tears begin to pour down my face as I select his name at the top of the page and hit call. It barely rings before he’s answering, his breathing heavy through the line. “Bash?” I cry out before he can say anything.

“I’m right here, Lina Girl. What do you need from me right now?” His voice sounds so sweet. I want to drown in it, to die inside it and never have to worry about any of the bullshit I’m in again. At least I’d be with him. Entangled in everything that makes up Sebastian Cox.

“You.”

It’s all I can manage. And I don’t have to say any more.

I close my eyes and listen as Bash continues to breathe heavily through the receiver. I’m silent as that same breath breathes life back into my listless body. In less than two minutes, he’s at the door of the shed, running through it and crouching down before me. I look at him, shaking as he approaches meslowly. He takes the phone from my hand and starts to pull me to his chest. I let him this time.

Once he sees that I’m being compliant, he drags me into him quicker and holds me fiercely in his arms. I begin to cry harder. He lifts me up from the floor and brings me to the edge of the bed, setting my naked body on top of the messy blankets.

“I’m going to take my shoes off, ok?” he softly whispers into my ear as I nod. He lets me go a little, needing to balance himself on the bed. I whimper, even though he warned me. He doesn’t get angry with me. He just smiles at me gently and removes his Converse, toeing the back of each shoe off before climbing back into bed with me. He pulls me into his chest, my body shaking violently, and presses me into the mattress by lying his weight on one side of me. It’s enough to ground me but doesn’t feel overwhelming to the point I’m claustrophobic.

“What’s going on, Lina Girl?” he asks as I shudder below him.

“I’m having a panic attack,” I answer him truthfully, the anxiety peaking in my body as it did before I fell asleep. He nods gently, gazing at me with his kind eyes.

“That’s ok, you’re allowed to be scared,” Bash replies, pushing my hair away from my face. “What’s scaring you?”

I know he knows, but the fact that he’s patiently waiting for me to explain myself means everything. My bottom lip trembles as I continue to cry, looking deep into his eyes. “Luke feels so big. He’s everywhere. I can’t close my eyes without seeing him.”

Bash nods his head, and I can see the understanding etched into the look he gives me.

“I see him when I close my eyes too. My dad. I also see my mom, refusing to acknowledge what he did to me. I don’t sleep well most nights,” he reveals. I cry for him, shedding more tears as I allow his words to burrow into my heart. I remember helping Bash in that dilapidated shed his father made him sleepin. He had blood all over himself. I remember the coppery taste of it as I licked my lips that night. I was so anxious, my fingers shaking, as I tried to stop his head from bleeding. I ended up being covered in his blood too.

“I’m so sorry, Bash,” I whimper as he nuzzles me, petting my face.

“It’s ok, Lina Girl. I’ve got you. That makes it so much better. And bearable on nights like this when we can’t run anymore,” he says, stroking my cheeks, my lips, my chin. His thumb snakes itself into my mouth. I suck it gently as he smiles at me. He presses it in a little further as I close my watery eyes, enjoying any part of him inside of me. I let my tongue swirl over his thumb, caught up in his body as a memory of Luke licking the blood off my nose violently surfaces. I rip my eyes open, fresh tears streaming down my face. “Shhhhh, Lina Girl. It’s ok. What did you see?”

I’m scared to tell him. He usually yells at me and tells me it’s my fault. Is it my fault? I don’t know anymore. I pull his hand away from my mouth to speak, relaying my fear to him.

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