Page 69 of Never the Best

“Oh, I never worry about confidentiality with you,” I murmured. “And the truth is that, even if you spoke with Rhett, though I know you wouldn’t, it would be okay.”

“Alright.” He leaned back. “Let’s start there. Rhett is with you?”

“He’s out by the pond,” I explained inanely. “He wanted me to have privacy.” I shook my head. “But that’s not what you’re asking. You want to know what he’s doingwithme.”

He waited.

“I don’t know what he’s doing with me,” I exclaimed. “No fucking idea.”

“Why don’t we back up, and you tell me why you canceled our appointments? Not that you ever have to explain, but I feel like there’s something here we should explore.”

I took a deep breath. “I relapsed.”

“Tell me about it.”

So, I did. I told himeverything. I hadn’t talked to him since before I’d been in Newport Beach, so I meandered there in between—and I hoped that my word vomit somehow made sense to him.

“Why didn’t you want to speak with me?” he mused.

I bit my lower lip. “I was ashamed…I felt like I let you down.”

He smiled. “Pearl, you canneverlet me down. I’malwayson your side, always there foronlyyou. There is no judgment between us.”

“I know, but I’d been doing so well, and I was so excited to tell you how I went to The Peacock Lounge and ordered food and a cocktail. I didn’t think about it, I just ordered and ate. And then…I collapsed. So, I was neverreallydoing well, was I?”

“That’s not how this works, and you know it. In that moment, it was your truth and reality.”

“And now?”

“You’re talking to me. You’ve been eating, albeit sparingly. You’ve allowed yourself to trust Rhett, even when you suspected he might have betrayed you. That, Pearl, is amazing progress. You’re trusting yourself and your instincts, and I couldn’t be prouder of you.”

Tears filled my eyes.

“It means a lot to me that you say that, Dr. Allen, because I don’t feel it. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything to be proud of. Rhett keeps saying that to me as well.”

“Tell me more about Rhett.”

I smiled. “He’s been…he says we’re friends, and he’s my person. I’ve never had a person. Well, except Aunt Hattie.”

“What does that mean to you? That he’s your person?”

I smiled faintly, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

“He showed up. He was here with me and for me. Hetook time off work, and between him, Aunt Hattie, and Missy, I’m never alone. They keep trying to feed me but never pressure me. It’s…I’ve always done this alone, this recovery…stuff. But to have people is…it’s…. I don’t feel normal. But I feel better. It doesn’t feel like the world is caving in on me anymore because he’s with me.Theyare.”

Dr. Allen nodded thoughtfully. “What doesfeelingbettermean to you right now? Can you name anything specific that feels different?”

I thought about the past few days. About the little victories that might not mean much to anyone else but felt monumental to me. “I ate breakfast this morning. Scrambled eggs and toast. And I didn’t cry afterward, or…or feel like I needed to punish myself for it.”

“That’s an important step, building back your relationship with food as nourishment and not a reward you have to deserve.” Dr. Allen’s tone was encouraging without being overbearing. “How did it feel?”

“Weird,” I admitted. “Like I was waiting for the guilt to kick in, but it didn’t. Not completely, anyway. It was still there, but it was…quieter.”

“That’s progress, Pearl,” he said gently. “It might not feel like much, but all these small moments add up. Every time you push back against the disorder, even just a little, you’re building resilience. You’re proving to yourself that you can do it.”

I nodded, though a part of me still doubted myself. It was hard to trust this fragile sense of peace I was making with my psyche; hard to believe it wasn’t temporary. “It stillfeels like a fight. Every bite, every meal. It’s like…there’s that awful voice in my head, telling me I’m not enough. That I don’t deserve to feel good or happy or full. And even when I tell it to shut up, it doesn’t go away. It’s exhausting.”

Dr. Allen leaned forward, his face filling the screen. “That voice isn’t going to disappear overnight,” he warned me. “And as you know, it may never go away completely. But what you’re learning to do—what you’re doing right now—is taking away its power. You’re not letting it control you. And that’s huge.”

---