Page 64 of Never the Best

“At least now we know how Josie found out. But I can’t tell Pearl, Aunt Hattie, that’ll crush her, that it was Maddie.”

“Does she still think it was you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then, you should tell her and?—”

“I’d rather she thought it was me than Maddie.”

At that moment, I felt completely safe with Rhett. He’d carry the blame for something he didn’t do to protect my feelings.

I couldn’t be annoyed with Maddie. She was just a kid. She didn’t understand the ripple effect of her words,the way they’d crack open a wound I’d spent years trying to stitch closed.

That evening, as usual, Rhett fed me a little, this time, it was potato-leek soup. Then he insisted I take a shower—or rather, threatened me to take one or he’d give me one. By the time I went to bed, I was exhausted.

Rhett slept with me, and I accepted it like it was the most natural thing in the world. I didn’t want to be alone like I’d been the last time—and it felt good to have his arms around me, his breath next to mine.

I knew he was being a good friend. I couldn’t imagine he’d want to date someone as fucked up as me. I’d have to be satisfied with just being his friend.

But what about that kiss?

I ignored wanting Rhett because it wasn’t like I could do much about it. I was barely able to brush my teeth most days, so sex was a tall, impossible order.

The nightmares started that night, after I overheard Maddie.

They weren’t coherent—just flashes of images and feelings that tangled and twisted in my mind, until I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.

In the dream, my reflection in the mirror was distorted and monstrous. A plate of food was sitting in front of me, growing larger and larger, until it consumed the entire room. Josie’s cruel and mocking voice echoed endlessly in my head.

You’re not enough. You’ll never be enough.

Fat Pearl.

Can’t even eat to save her life.

“Hey, baby, come back to me. Come on, wake up.” Rhett’s voice pierced through.

I woke up gasping, my body drenched in sweat, my heart racing so fast it felt like it might explode. The room was spinning, my chest heaving as I tried to pull in a breath, but it felt like there was no air left in the world.

Rhett pulled me to him and held me. I resisted, and he let me go.

“I…I need to use the bathroom.”

I stumbled into the dimly lit room, gripping the sink as I leaned over it, my body trembling violently. The face staring back at me in the mirror didn’t look like mine. The dark circles under my eyes, the paleness of my skin, the sharpness of my cheekbones—it felt like I was staring at a stranger.

I was slipping. I knew I was slipping. But I couldn’t stop it.

I didn’t know how long I stood there.

By the time Rhett came up behind me, I was cryingagain. I was such a weakling.

I washed my hands and let Rhett take me to bed.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked me, my head resting on his chest, his arm around me, holding me like no one ever had before.

I didn’t know what to say, so I kept silent.

“Pearl,” he persisted, his voice filled with worry.

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