Page 57 of Knot My Luck

“You left me,” I say quietly, my voice trembling more than I care to admit. “You walked away when I needed you the most. I waited for you, Cathal. I spent years thinking I wasn’t enough for you – like I wasn’t worth the fight.”

I feel guilty bringing this up again, but I just…can’t let the hurt go. I’m trying, but I’ve been carrying this pain for so long, I don’t know what to do with it now. In some ways being his scent match makes it worse. I swallow hard, the lump in my throat threatening to choke me. “Why didn’t you come back for me? Why didn’t you at leasttry?”

His face darkens, but he doesn’t flinch. Instead, he takes a slow breath and leans his elbows on the railing, staring down at the empty street below. I can feel the weight of his thoughts pressing against me, the silence between us stretched thin, fragile.

“I thought I was doing what was best for you,” he admits, the words coming out like an exhale he’s been holding in for years. His voice is rougher now, edged with regret. “I thought...I thought I was saving you. I thought I was sparing you from something you might end up regretting. You were young, Devlin. You didn’t deserve to be tied down in a way that could’ve made you resent me...or resent yourself.”

I don’t say anything at first, don’t even know how to respond. The revelation hits me like a tidal wave, crashing over me, pulling me under. All this time, I’d thought it was me –Iwasn’t enough.Iwas the one who wasn’t worth fighting for.

But now...now he’s telling me that he thought he was protecting me. That he thought I would’ve resented him for choosing me.

“You think I would’ve regretted it?” I ask, the pain of the words raw. I’m not sure if I’m asking because I need an answer, or if I’m asking because I’m afraid of what the answer might be.

Cathal doesn’t look at me, but I can see his jaw clenching. “I thought you would,” he admits. “I thought that if I didn’t walk away, you’d end up hating me for pulling you into something you didn’t understand, something that would change everything about your life.”

I feel my chest tighten, the air around me growing colder. The wind picks up, but it does nothing to stop the sting in my chest. I want to shout at him, want to tell him he was wrong, that all these years of pain were for nothing. But instead, I just stand there, holding on to the railing like it’s the only thing keeping me from falling apart.

“I wasn’t enough for you, then,” I say, the truth of it finally settling into my bones. “And I’m not enough for you now, am I?”

Cathal turns sharply to face me then, his eyes wide with an emotion I can’t name. He reaches out, but stops himself just short of touching me, as though the very act of it might break everything that’s still left between us.

“You’re everything to me,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “Ineverstopped wanting you. Loving you. And I thought that if I kept away, if I didn’t drag you into this, you’d have a chance at a life outside of it all. Outside ofus.”

“But it wasn’t about that,” I say, shaking my head. “It was never about what was best for me. You left me because you didn’t think I could handle it. And now – now I’m supposed to believe that everything’s different?”

Cathal’s face softens, and for the first time, I see the depth of the pain in his eyes. He reaches for my hand, this time not stopping himself. His fingers brush mine, tentative, almost apologetic.

“I don’t know what to say, Devlin. But I’m here now. And I need you to believe me when I say that I’ll never walk away again.”

The words are simple, but they hold so much weight between us. And for the first time in so long, I feel like maybe he’s telling the truth. Maybe this time, he won’t walk away.

But will I?

I can feel the weight of Cathal’s words still hanging in the air as I stand there beside him. He’s still holding my hand, but his touch doesn’t feel as comforting as it should. Instead, it feels heavy, like a chain I can’t escape.

I can’t breathe. The walls feel like they’re closing in, the reality of what I’ve agreed to settling over me like a suffocating blanket. I can’t even wrap my mind around what’s happening, what I’ve agreed to.

“I need some air,” I say, pulling my hand from his, the trembling starting to creep up my arms.

Cathal glances at me, the confusion and worry flashing in his eyes. He opens his mouth, probably to ask if I’m sure, but instead, his lips curl up slightly in a forced grin. “Can’t get enough out here, Embers?”

It’s meant to be a joke, to lighten the mood, but it lands all wrong. The tension around us sharpens, the silence thickening like fog. I look at him, and for a moment, I almost wish he hadn’t said anything. The pressure in my chest spikes, and I can’t hold it in any longer.

Before I even think, I turn on my heel and push past him. I don’t look back. I can feel his eyes on me as I race back through the suite, my steps frantic, my heart pounding painfully against my ribcage.

“Devlin!” I hear Cathal call, but I don’t wait. I can’t. I need to escape. I need to be alone.

I barely register the sound of the door slamming behind me as I flee the suite completely this time.

The hallway stretches before me, empty and cold. My feet pound against the floor, the beat of my heart thrumming in my ears. I barely register the noise, my breath sharp in my chest as I sprint through the hotel, moving with the kind of desperation I haven’t felt in years.

The cold air of the city hits me as soon as I burst through the lobby doors, the frigid wind biting at my skin. But the cool night air doesn’t bring the relief I’m hoping for. Instead, it amplifies the storm inside me. I can’t get rid of the whirlwind of emotions, the confusion, the fear.

I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t care. I’m not even wearing freaking shoes. I just need to be anywhere but in that room, with them, with the choices I’ve made weighing me down.

I race away from the hotel, down the street and into the quiet of the empty city night, moving through the streets of Cork without direction, every step a blur of movement and noise. The quiet corners of the city are like a sanctuary, and I find myself heading toward the riverside, the sound of rushing water beckoning me. It’s a place I’ve always found solace in, a place to escape from everything. But tonight, even the water doesn’t bring the relief I’m craving.

I stand by the edge of the river, the darkness of the night enveloping me, the soft lapping of water against the banks almost soothing. But as I stand there, my thoughts swirl around me, each one more suffocating than the last. I’m trapped. Trapped in a life I didn’t choose, trapped in a bond I didn’t ask for, and I can’t breathe.

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