Page 21 of Falling for the Sheriff

“Come on. I need to be prepared, right?”

I think about it for a minute. Maybe he’s right. I don’t want to hold him back or scare him, but he does have a right to know. “Being a police officer in the city is dangerous. Wearing that badge on your chest is like wearing a target. Now, don’t get me wrong. The city is mostly made up of people just like you and me—people who want to live a good life and who just want to provide for their families. But every city has its bad apples. And the city is bigger, so you get more of them. But thesearen’t the type of guys you’d see around here. These are gangs, drug addicts, alcoholics—people who don’t care to see you hurt and who won’t even take you into account when it comes to taking what they want. And they won’t go around you. They’ll go through you. But every day we put on this uniform, we’re making the decision to protect those good people at all costs. Every time we put on this badge, we know it may be the last. It doesn’t matter if you’re here or there, being a police officer means you’re ready to put your life on the line. Remember that, and you’ll never take a day for granted.”

Everyone around the table suddenly looks shocked, surprised that I laid it all out for them. Most of them probably have never had the thought that today could be their last. Living in a small town like this is like living under a security blanket. Everyone knows everyone, and any of the neighbors would risk their life for yours. In the city, it’s every man for himself when you’re an officer going up against some of the worst criminals.

Jeff gets up and leaves the table to go to the bathroom. Jerry and Mike go to hit up the bar, and Joe and Nathan go to the pool table, leaving me alone with Ben.

“You sure you wanna do this?” I ask, raising my glass and taking another drink.

He looks nervous now, the excitement of celebrating worn off. “I don’t know now, after that speech.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you, but I thought you had the right to know. And let me point out that not every day will be like that. Most days will be good with normal traffic stops, settling an argument in a grocery store, and helping an old lady cross the street. But the bad days, those will be there too. And it only takes one really bad day to change your life forever. But the worst part is not knowing what kind of day today is going to be. You can drive yourself crazy with worry, but then you won’t enjoy the good days. The worry will turn every day into a bad day. So, myquestion to you is, can you enjoy the good days? Or are you the type who focuses on the negative? Because if you can’t let the bad go, the city will chew you up and spit you out.” I finish off the glass. “What kind of guy are you, Ben?”

He doesn’t answer, and I don’t expect one. This isn’t the kind of question you just blurt out the first answer that comes to mind. This is the kind of question that makes you think and do some soul searching. With the question hanging in the air, I push myself back and head toward the bar, wanting to give him a few minutes alone to think about what he really wants.

I pay the tab the guys have racked up before hitting the road, wanting to be with Nina. She acted off today, and a part of me wonders if it has anything to do with last night. I didn’t mean to make her worry, but the truth is, when I was up on that mountain, my only thought was getting the man to the hospital. I didn’t think she’d search for me, or that she’d be sitting up half the night worrying. I’ve been on my own for so long now that those thoughts don’t even pop into my head when I’m on the job.

Just like I told the guys, every day I put on this badge, I’m making the decision to put my job ahead of my life. When I’m working, I don’t allow myself to think of family, friends, or now, the woman I love. I can’t. I would never be able to function. When you’re in a situation, your head needs to be clear. It just makes me wonder if I’m the right kind of guy for Nina. She deserves someone who can and will drop everything for her. I can’t do that. Just seeing how upset she got last night when I wasn’t in any danger at all makes me wonder if she’s even strong enough to be in this with me.

But I know one thing. I tried so hard not to notice her that the one thing I forgot to do was not fall in love with her. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve fallen head over heels in love with Nina Waters, and the thought alone scares the shit out of me. How will this affect my daily life on the force? Every time Irun into a dangerous situation, will she be all I can think about? If so, I’m going to end up getting myself killed. But I know I’d die without her. If I couldn’t touch her every time I saw her, my heart would break.

I know I’m not the man she needs. I have a dangerous job, I’m too old for her, and I’m thoughtless. The question is, can I let her go? Can I be selfless? Can I take the pressure of letting her find her true soulmate while stepping back?

THIRTEEN

Nina

I’m lying in bed in my darkened room, wondering if Bryce will be coming in. He went out for drinks with the guys after work. I wasn’t invited, nor did I really want to go, but I would have liked to tell Ben goodbye. Ben’s a good guy, and we’ve always been close, but I don’t feel like myself today. Yesterday, I was happy and sure about where Bryce and I were headed. But then, last night happened, and so many thoughts have filled my head.

For one, if I decide to move forward with Bryce, will I always be filled with anxiety and worry when it comes to him going to work? I have a full life of my own, and when the center opens up, I’ll only be busier. Will I be able to focus on the things I need to do without worrying if he’s in danger? When we have kids, will I be worried that their dad might not come home one night?

Second, he met my parents. He thinks my dad saved his life. If he found out who my dad was, did he find out who I was too? Am I what brought him here? Is being with me some cosmic way of making things up to my dad? Because my dad saved him, does he think he has to take care of me to make up for him losing his life? Did Bryce come here just for me, or is it really a coincidence that we have this connection, and we both ended up here?

Knowing all of this, does it change anything for me? He said he loved me, but he said it when he thought I was fast asleep. He hasn’t mentioned it at all today. Maybe he’s waiting to tell me in some special way? Or maybe he’s not planning to tell me at all. Maybe saying the words while I was asleep was just a way to get them out. God, I feel like I’m going crazy. How does anyone do this? How do you let go of all of your concerns and fears and truly be with someone? These are the thoughts that are keeping me awake, that have kept me quiet and closed off all day.

I hear the front door open, and a few minutes later, the shower comes on. I push back the blankets and strip off my clothes on my way to the bathroom. I pull the shower back while his face is in the stream of water. I wrap my arms around his waist, and he jumps.

“You scared me,” he breathes out, spinning in my arms.

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you doing up? I figured you’d be fast asleep by now.”

“I have too much stuff on my mind.”

“Youth center stuff?”

I shrug. “That…and you.”

His brows pull together as he studies my face. “What questions do you have about me?”

I take a deep breath. I guess there’s only one way I can get the answers I so desperately need. “You said you think my dad saved your life.”

“He did save my life.”

I nod. “Well, am I what brought you here? Is being with me some way to make it up to him for him losing his life?”

His face suddenly relaxes as his hands move up to cup my cheeks. “Not at all, Nina.” He presses a kiss to my forehead. “I looked you up, I admit it. I was planning on finding his family and telling them that he died a hero. But once I saw that his onlyfamily was you, a young girl who was all alone in the world now, I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t look you in the eye and tell you that you were all alone because of me. So that was that. I closed the book on that chapter of my life and started to write something new.

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