Page 89 of Tangled in Vows

We stop, and Holden gently lowers me.

I plop on the bench, the metal cool and hard underneath me.

Holden doesn’t let go of me. “There’s some water at the pool house. Will you be okay for a second?”

I nod and lean forward to put my head between my knees.

“That’s good. Stay down, and I’ll be right back. Do you need anything else?”

His voice sounds muffled to my covered ears, and I rasp a quiet, “No.”

His hurried footsteps retreat and disappear.

The familiartinklesound of Stormy’s collar tag swinging tells me she’s somewhere nearby but probably too occupied with her new playground to see me sitting here.

I try to take steady breaths and stare at the dull green color of the grass, and the neat trim it must have gotten only a few days prior, without a single weed in sight.

But my brain isn’t fooled for more than a few seconds.

Because what the fuck?

Holden killed Felix.

He. Killed. Him.

That’s why he knew Felix was dead. That’s why Holden disappeared from one day to the next without a single word. Without a goodbye. Without a trace or any other sign.

A cold stillness washes over me like my body and brain have forgotten how to function.

This isn’t even close to all the reasons my brain has fabricated over the years.

How am I supposed to react to this news?

How does anyone handle it when their stomach plunges into a free fall that has no end, as if the ground just dropped out beneath their feet?

One foot before the other, baby. Just keep going.

The faint sound of my mom’s voice in my head breaks through the aching hole in my chest, punching the air straight out of my lungs.

The first tear forms, and I let it roll down my nose and fall to the ground. It disappears between the grass blades and into the soil like it never existed. I wish pain were the same way.

One foot before the other, baby. Just keep going.

Another tear.

One foot before the other, baby. Just keep going.

My heartbeats even out, and my brain slowly reboots.

Look at the bright side. Holden never wanted to leave you. He had no choice.

But he killed someone.

He didn’t just killsomeone. He killed the guy who did unspeakable things to you. He killed the monster who hurt you and wanted to trap you for the rest of your life.

A laugh bubbles out of my mouth.

It sounds wrong. Too shrill. Too loud.

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