Page 124 of Tangled in Vows

Even though he’s cradling me close to him, I still miss the loss of connection and whimper.

“It’s okay. I got you.” He lays me down gently on soft sheets and wraps his entire body around me. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

I open my eyes, needing to look at him. To say the words that have been clawing their way up my throat. But exhaustion pulls at me, making them a mere whisper. “I love you.”

Chapter 39

Holden

Day 1416 without you: Some days, I tell myself you’ve forgiven me. On other days, I know you never will.

Ilove you.

I love you.

She loves me.

Those words still reverberate through my mind the next day, never letting up. They are the words that allow me to open my eyes in the morning. And not only that, but I even do so with a slight tilt to my lips because Olivia is in my arms.

She pushed away the dark clouds that usually follow my every waking moment of this day, whether I want them to or not. She makes everything better, even the hard days like today.

My sister’s birthday.

Every year, it hits me anew that she’s not here anymore, but it also gets slightly easier as time passes. My emotions shift similar to water, fluidly filling crevices too small to see at first glance yet large enough to feel their impact.

But now that Olivia is back in my life, maybe I can finally focus on healing. My years in prison, away from Olivia, had me almost paralyzed on this day, as well as my sister’s death anniversary. At first, I tried to solve my problems by getting in trouble with other inmates or the guards, talking shit, or starting fights. Anything to distract me from the painstaking guilt my mind was feasting on. And the guilt was two-fold at that point, not just over my sister’s untimely death but also over failing Olivia and leaving her behind.

Things got better when I met Phoenix and we became friends. Because of his billionaire status, he had connections that made life behind bars easier for us. Special meals. More time outside. A better environment. Inside protection. Phoenix also saw past the burning anger in my eyes. We spent most of our time together, sharing our stories, which gave me something else to focus on, other than my own screwup. Something steadier to hold on to because I wasn’t alone anymore.

The years behind bars didn’t break me the way they might have done otherwise. His companionship and our conversations reminded me I was still myself and not just another number in the system. It kept me tethered to the man I was before.

He helped me shoulder enough of the darkness to stay out of trouble and focus my energy on working out and spending time with him instead.

Now, things feel different.

The pain is still trying to eat itself through my insides, but it isn’t the only thing filling my veins anymore. My feelings for Olivia have spread quickly and forcefully, almost daring me to stop them. She’s everywhere, soothing my hurt and filling the hollow places inside me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Irene would have loved her.

Unable to help myself, I tighten my grip on Olivia, needing that reassurance as memory snippets of my sister rush through my mind.

The way she took me somewhere every time one of Mom’s boyfriends was visiting. How she stayed with me until I fell asleep, even when the men visiting Mom called me pathetic. Irene always took the spot closest to the door to protect me, in case someone came in. She also let me bandage her wounds to get me to stop crying by pretending I was the doctor.

“See, little monkey, all better. You’re a fantastic doctor.” She points at her forehead and the dinosaur bandage I put right where she hit her head on the doorframe after Derrick, Mom’s new boyfriend, pushed her. “Thanks for the help. I’m as good as new.”

She wipes under my eyes and whispers, “What do you think about trying cherry today?”

Every time Irene gets a booboo, we get one scoop of ice cream and share it, trying a different flavor. The ice cream place has over fifty flavors, and we’ve almost tried them all.

I nod and wipe my crusty pajama sleeve under my nose.

My mom called her foolish and used other choice words. To me, she was an angel, doing everything in her power to protect me from our crappy life. I wish I also could have bandaged all of the wounds she didn’t show me, the ones that were deeply rooted on the inside. Maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe not.

Olivia sighs quietly, and my guilt over waking her is quickly replaced by my need to see her—to keep her close by and to settle my inner storm. The warmth of her presence fills the cracks that once ran deep, making me feel like I’m coming together a bit more each day. Having her around allows me peace in a way I’ve never known before.

“Good morning.” Her voice is raspy, filled with sleep.

I ignore the underlying worry I hear. Instead, I diminish the few inches separating us and press my lips to her neck. “Hey, beautiful.”

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