Page 183 of Hayden's Stalker

I turn to look at the woman I love with so much guilt and anger swirling through me as I nod at her. “Yes, she did. In her mind, the sex would be so good that I would fall madly in love with her. Everything that happened was my fault.”

Saying the words only makes them feel more true, and the weight of it is devastating. I can’t stop the tears from coming, and I let go of my lifeline when I release Tati’s hand so I can bury my face in my hands as the tears fall.

I don’t feel worthy of her love after everything that’s happened. The things that have been done to my friends because of me. Sarah’s kisses and caresses. They all make me feel disgusting and wrong.

Tati wraps her arms around my shoulders and pulls me toward her. I drop my hands to her waist and sob into her chest as memories flood my mind. Wanting to die so that I could escape. Daniel kicking and punching me. Sarah. So many memories I don’t want of her.

The feel of her skin against mine. Her slimy, disgusting tongue. Her naked body under the see-through négligée. The fact she was ticklish behind her knees. Her feeding me and helping me to drink. Her eyes on my cock when I was pissing. Her hand on my morning wood. It’s all so fucking foul, and I feel like a traitor to the woman I love because it happened.

“It’s not your fault that she chose to do that, Hayden. I know that you’re probably going to feel guilty for a long time, but I’m just telling you so that you hear it from someone. The only person to blame for this is Sarah.”

I nod, but her words don’t bring me any comfort. They only serve to remind me that I’m the reason Harrison was druggedthat night. I think about all of the damage that was done to my friends because of me, and I cry harder because the guilt is truly all-consuming. I have no idea how I’m meant to survive this feeling because my skin is still infected by Sarah, and my friends’ lives will never be the same because of what she did to try and get to me.

I cry for a long time before I manage to stem the flow of tears. I don’t feel any better, but I swipe at the final ones rolling down my face. I know that I could stay here and cry for hours with how I’m feeling, but it won’t get this over with. Tati leans over and grabs a box of tissues from nearby before she holds them out to me.

“Thanks,” I manage to say as I take one and wipe my face before I take another to blow my nose. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Hayden. What you’ve been through…it’s a lot. I can only imagine how scared you were.”

I inhale a shaky breath and nod. “I was terrified, Tati. I thought that I’d never see you again.”

“Me, too. I thought that I’d never get to tell you that I want to marry you.”

It takes a second for her words to sink in. I’m so deep in feeling unworthy of her that I can’t quite believe she wants this. I stare into her beautiful face as I process what she said.

I can’t help but smile at the thought of a life with her. “Really?”

“Yes. Shit. I was going to wait for you to ask.” Tatiana cringes.

I press my lips to hers and kiss her. It’s not at all like it was when Sarah kissed me, and I feel almost whole again. Her kiss is soothing, and when she wraps her arms around my neck, she kisses me back. Our tongues intertwine, and her floral scent invades my senses, as beautiful and sexy as ever.

“Now is probably not the time or the place for me to ask you again.” I know I can’t do it until she knows everything aboutwhat happened anyway. “Let’s get this statement finished so I can ask you somewhere more private.”

Tati smiles at me and nods her agreement before she calls the agents back into the room for me to continue my statement. I tell them about how Sarah tried to get to me and the way she apologized for the accident.

I go on to explain as much as I know about what happened next with Sarah and Daniel. How she hooked up with him to convince him to kidnap me. Then I have to tell them about what happened once I was taken.

“Sarah came back, and she wanted to sleep in the bed with me,” I say when I reach the end of the first night. “I tried to tell her that I didn’t want her to, but she insisted that we wouldn’t do anything but sleep. She kissed me. Twice. She said she wanted to do more, but she was waiting for me to fall in love with her, and she wanted me to want it.”

I look over at Tati, hating what I have to admit, and it feels traitorous to someone who just told me they want to marry me.

“I told her that I felt as though it was definitely something that I thought could happen in the future, that she was really beautiful and our relationship would have an unconventional start. I said that I just needed her to give me time.”

My voice cracks, and I have to stop talking as I take some slow breaths that I count out. The thought of an alternate timeline where I wasn’t found and I was forced into some sick relationship with Sarah is overwhelming. It combines with the guilt of what I did, and I can barely breathe. Tati wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tightly.

She places her lips to my ear and says quietly, “You came home to me safely. You did the right thing, and it was what I hoped you would do.”

I hug her back and nod my head, still feeling guilty, as Special Agent McGuire says, “That was smart. From everything she’dsaid in her emails, acting as though you wanted a relationship was probably the best course of action.”

“It was hard. I don’t think I slept more than an hour total that first night. I was tied to the bed, which was uncomfortable, and Sarah was cuddled up to me as though she were my girlfriend. I felt sick the whole time she was touching me.”

The reminder that my skin is infected with her touch is overwhelming, and I want to puke. I focus on the feeling of Tati as well as the sight of the wood grain of the table in front of me to help ground myself in the moment.

I tell them about watching movies yesterday and all the disgusting sexual innuendos Sarah made. I don’t give details, and nobody asks, which I’m grateful for because I don’t want to have to say those things aloud to these people, even though I know I’ll have to tell Tati.

“I was really worried she was going to push me to have sex with her, but I kept telling myself that surely she wouldn’t do that until she felt I could be trusted to be untied. I just kept hoping that Tatiana would come and find me before that happened.”

I look over at her, and she gives me a reassuring smile. “I was doing everything I could to find you.”

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