Page 66 of Hayden's Stalker

I only just manage to withhold a snort of derision because Brendan doesn’t know Blake, but I also consider what he’s saying. I envisage a scenario where Blake and I calmly talk in my dressing room.

“I suppose he would leave, and I wouldn’t see him again.” I sigh. “I don’t even have anything at his place because he never wanted us to move in together. I’d literally never have to see him again.”

“How does that make you feel?

A part of me is saddened by this idea. I do love Blake, but the thought of never seeing him again brings more relief than disappointment. I realize how stressed I am by the thought of continuing our relationship even if I wasn’t going on tour. He makes me second-guess myself and everything I say or do when I’m around him.

“Relieved,” I say honestly. “I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore.”

The amount of guilt I feel at voicing my thoughts aloud is immense, but it also feels like the truest thing I’ve ever said. Iknow in my gut that I have to do this in order to make my life better. Brendan takes some notes, and I shake my head.

“I haven’t even talked to you about my stalker. This wasn’t what I was meant to be here for today,” I tell him with a chagrined smile.

Brendan chuckles. “Well, it’s obviously what you needed to talk about. Do you want to talk about your stalker?”

“A little bit,” I admit. “I think I know what I need to do with the Blake situation, and I keep having nightmares about the crash.”

I tell Brendan about my stalker and the reason Tati has come into my life and about how stressful it is. I talk to him about how sometimes things will happen, and I’m terrified I’ll be killed.

“It’s natural to be scared in a situation like this. Try to focus on the positives here. Unfortunately, there is no way for you to control what your stalker does or doesn’t do, but you seem to have a very capable security team around you. Do you have faith in their skills?”

I think about Tati, with her mysterious background, and Jesse, who has always been very adept at dealing with fans and paparazzi.

“Yes, I do. They’re both awesome, plus there’s even more security on tour.” I nod with a smile.

“Right. Well, you can’t control what your subconscious does when you’re dreaming, but during the day, if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, you can use some grounding techniques.”

He explains ways to ground myself by focusing on naming things in my head that I can see, smell, or that start with a certain letter.

As we near the end of the session, he smiles at me. “I think we’ve made good progress today, Hayden. We’ll be able to continue these sessions while you’re on tour throughteletherapy, and you have a plan for what to do going forward. Your ground techniques will also work when you’re having that conversation with your boyfriend.”

“Thanks, Brendan. I really appreciate it.”

Tati is by my side as soon as I leave his office, and I smile down at her. She’s not the reason I’m going to break up with Blake, but I’m glad she’s in my life. Brendan is right. She’s my safe haven from everything, and I’m so grateful to her for working with me. Even if nothing happens between us, I know my life is already better because she came into it..

Loneliness

Def.

10

The Truth

“It’s tour day, Tatiana!”I grin at her as she opens my bedroom door.

Despite everything, the usual excitement of starting a tour is electric, and I feel buoyed after my therapy session with Brendan yesterday. Everything is more positive, and I’ve been trying to stop myself from catastrophizing about it all since I finished my session with him. I didn’t even have a nightmare last night, which was a relief.

“I feel like I should give you some kind of present or something,” Tati says with a beautiful smile at me. “Does it always feel this momentous?”

“Pretty much. Tonight I’ll be performing for my fans, and it’s going to be epic.”

Jesse arrives while we’re having our breakfast. As soon as I see him, guilt floods through me because of my fuck up with the tour bus. I’m absolutely dreading the moment when we have to tell him about what I did. Heat floods to my cheeks as I think about it, and I stare down at my food, unable to look at him.

“Morning, Mr. Vega. Morning, Tatiana. I’ll leave you to your food. Come get me when you’re ready for me.”

As he walks away, Tati murmurs, “Do you want to be there when I tell him?”

“It’s such a cop-out, but not really,” I cringe. “I should, though, so I can apologize.”

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