Page 65 of Hayden's Stalker

Heat rushes to my cheeks, and I quickly say, “Of course, I was sad about that, too. I love Blake, but by that point, we spent more time arguing and with me defending myself than talking. It was exhausting.”

“I see. Why did you get back together with him?”

I explain about Ally, how we were nothing more than friends with benefits, and that all I want is someone to be in a proper relationship with. How when Ally ended it, I found myself lonely and reminiscing a lot more fondly about Blake before I eventually reached out to him.

“Interesting. Tell me more about the situation with your employee.”

I can’t help but smile as I think about Tati. “She’s amazing. I know I can’t be with her, though.”

“Why not?”

A pang of disappointment rushes through me, and I long for a world where all this is different. I want to not have a stalker and a boyfriend. I want to meet Tati as a woman, not as a security specialist.

“Because she’s my employee and my bodyguard. We have a professional relationship, and I need her to keep me safe frommy stalker.” I shudder as I remember the dream from last night, and my fear rushes back in.

Brandon writes some notes and asks, “So aside from being ‘amazing,’ what more can you tell me about her?”

I think about Tati and smile as memories of our hours spent in the library come to my mind. She relaxes there, and I like seeing her that way. It’s the time when she most seems like someone I could be in a relationship with.

“Even though I know I can’t be with her, being around her has shown me what I could maybe have with someone else. I feel really guilty, though, because I know that I shouldn’t be having feelings for anyone else when I’m still with Blake.”

“Hmm.” Brendan taps his pen against his lips a few times as he looks out the window. “You said that before and I wouldn’t necessarily agree. Human emotions are complex, and you seem to be in a stressful situation both within your current romantic relationship as well as outside of it. Is it possible you see her as a safe haven from both situations?”

I consider his question carefully and wonder if I would think Tati is as amazing as I do if I’d met her as a regular person and not as my bodyguard.

“I’m not sure. She’s pretty amazing,” I say slowly, frowning as I think about her dodging my questions. “Her life is fascinating, even though she won’t tell me about it. My friend Lita thinks she was in the CIA. The way her mind works is intriguing. I want to know everything about her.”

I realize that I’m gushing about her, and heat rushes to my cheeks as I stop talking. Brendan takes some notes, and it’s my turn to look out the window as I try to calm my racing heart.

I need to break up with Blake.

Nothing has ever been more obvious to me, and I feel nervous as fuck about the idea of doing it. I’m a little teary at the thought of ending it because I love him, but I’m also relieved,and a mess of emotions as Brendan looks up at me from taking more notes.

“What I’m hearing is that you’re experiencing an attraction to this woman, but you think it’s inappropriate because you have a boyfriend, and she works for you. What is it that you want to do in this situation?”

I jiggle my leg as I think it through, and I hate everything about it. I’m so nervous about the idea of breaking up with Blake. It seems huge and difficult.

“I want for it to be easy.” I cringe. “I don’t want to do what I think I have to do.”

Brendan looks at me and asks, “What do you think you have to do?”

“I think I have to break up with Blake.”

He writes some more notes and is quiet for a second before he asks, “So, you’re saying that you think you need to break up with your boyfriend, but you don’t want to do that. Why is it that you don’t want to do that?”

“I’m nervous, and it’s going to be awful. He’ll probably try to convince me not to do it, and I’m worried he’ll guilt trip me into not doing it even though I know I should. I’ll probably end up staying with him, and then this tour will be just as shitty as the last tour, and I wish I wasn’t in this position. I wish Blake was just the kind of boyfriend I need him to be, but he’s not.”

I’m breathing heavily as I think about the situation. I hate everything about it, and I want my relationship to be easy. Just the thought of having to break up with Blake is stressing me out.

Brendan taps his pen against his pad of paper as he looks out the window with a frown on his face.

“What I’m hearing from you is a lot of predictive thinking and catastrophizing. You don’t know what’s going to happen, but you seem to be guessing at it and basing your decision on it.” He writes another note, and I frown as he continues, “Rather thanthinking about what might happen, let’s focus on what you can control. You said that you’re worried he might convince you to stay in a relationship you don’t want, but if you’re set in your decision, that’s a thing you can control.”

I wish I could better explain how Blake makes me question myself and my decisions, but I don’t really know how to put it into words. As easy as it is to say that I’ll just break up with him, all my worries and concerns are still there.

“But what if he talks me around?” I ask as I scratch my neck.

“What if he doesn’t?” Brendan tilts his head to the side. “You don’t know that he will, and there’s an equal chance that he won’t. So rather than focusing on the negative, let’s think about the positive. What happens if you tell him that you want to break up and he takes it well?”

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