Page 197 of Hayden's Stalker

Check-in seems to take forever, and I focus on the things around me to try and center myself.

Escalator.

I decide to use the letter ‘e’ to find five things I can see as the feeling of Sarah’s skin against mine begins to overwhelm me.

Erin.

I look at the name badge of the airline staff member who is currently checking Gabriel and Ariana in for the flight.

Eagle.

Someone walks past with a picture on their shirt of an eagle. They catch my gaze, looking wildly curious, and I quickly look away from them as I search for two more things.

“Here, Mira,” Lita says, sounding harassed. “Have Dumbo for cuddles.”

The little girl throws the stuffed elephant, and it lands at my feet as she laughs.

Elephant.

I pick the toy up and hand it back to Lita as I look around for the final thing. It should be easy, but I scan the airport around us and can’t seem to find anything.

“It’s your turn to check-in, Hayden,” Tati says with a smile as she indicates to the check-in desk with her left hand.

Engagement ring.

My heart swells as I catch sight of it. I’m going to marry the woman I love. I keep this thought in my head as a shield against the memories that I’ve managed to force into submission for now.

We make it through security, then into the frequent flyer lounge, and I relax a little once there are fewer people staring at me. Tati sits on a bench next to me, her body warm and comforting next to mine.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I tell her. “The memories—” I cut myself off because mentioning them brings them all bubbling back up to the surface of my mind. “It’s not good,” I finish.

Tati reaches up and kisses me. “I know. I love you.”

I carefully pull her against me as we wait to board our plane. When we arrive in Chicago, we use a car service to get home, and Tati’s just as on edge as she was on the way to the arena on the first night of the tour.

“Almost home, Tati,” I tease her with a laugh, and she smiles up at me.

I wheel our suitcases into the elevator when we reach my apartment building, and Tati enters the code to go upstairs. It’s weird going upstairs because it’s so familiar but also completely different.

I want to go back in time and be the man I was when I was last here. I can’t do that, and it hurts so much to know that I’ll never be him again.

“Do you want a coffee?” I ask, desperate to distract myself from my thoughts, and I cling to this familiar routine.

We take our drinks into the library, and I pick up a book to read. I’m disappointed that coming in here doesn’t magically take the memories away. I try to focus on my book, but I’m lost in the memories of my time in the cabin. I stare out the windows at Chicago, and I hate that this homecoming isn’t as good as I expected it to be.

It feels like the rest of my life is going to be like this, with everything tinged with the memories of what happened. Feeling like my skin is dirty. Never being able to be truly happy again.

Tati, Harrison, and Heather have all told me that I’ll get past it in time, but it really feels like that’s not possible. I hate how much it hurts, and tears stream down my face as I struggle to breathe through the overwhelming thought of living with this feeling.

“Is everything okay, Hayden?” Tati asks, sounding concerned.

I turn to look at her, and her face pales before she rushes over to me. She leans down to wrap her arms around me. Her long hair falls over my arm, and her floral scent fills my senses, comforting me.

“When will it get easier?”

I know she won’t have an answer, but I wish somebody could tell me. I wish I could know that if I just survive to X date, then everything will be easier from then.

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