Page 97 of Sebastian's Baby

Lita is looking at me with a neutral expression, and I can’t tell what she’s thinking.

“I don’t know if you know this, but I’m considered quite attractive.” I raise an eyebrow at her as I say it, and she smiles, at least. “So, women were happy to see to my sexual needs. I had my emotional needs met by my family; I didn’t need a woman for anything other than sex. When we got famous, there were more women, and I started to get a reputation, which made it even easier.”

I never needed the women for more than sex, because I would go back to my family, who were the ones that gave me all the love and support I needed.

“The women I sleep with are completely aware of who I am and what they’re getting from me. After you, though, it really was glorified masturbation. I’d had a taste of what it was like to sleep with someone who could be more than a one-night stand. But I’d treated you like shit when the condom broke. Worse, even, than I normally treat women.”

I can’t help but feel guilty when I think again about the way I treated her that morning, and I frown.

“Why?” Lita asks.

Now is the time for me to tell her what I’m going to tell her, but it’s scary as shit to say the words aloud. To trust someone with this thing I’ve kept to myself for years out of necessity.

I sigh heavily and look at Lita. “Do you want one hundred percent pure honesty from me?”

A part of me hopes she says no, even though I know she won’t.

“Always. We’re going to have a baby together. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, we need to be able to talk about this shit.”

“Okay, well, if I’m being honest…” I take a moment before I continue as I realize that a lot of the time, I’ve not been honest about this internally. “With both youand myself, until I met you, there was only one woman I ever connected with enough to be in a relationship with her. She never wanted me, though. I knew it from the start, and I came to terms long ago with the fact that we would never be together.”

“How did you know she never wanted you, though?” Lita asks.

I look into her beautiful eyes, give her a wry smile, and tell her the very obvious reason I knew this. “Because she married my best friend.”

Lita stares at me in confusion for a second before her mouth drops open, and she blinks at me a few times before asking, “You’re in love with Heather?”

“No,” I laugh. “I love Heather, but I haven’t been ‘in love’ with Heather since I was eighteen years old and she and Harrison got together. I shut off those feelings and locked that door. We joke about having sex together, and she is one of the best people I know, but I love Harrison just as much as I love her.”

It’s true, and having seen them apart, I could never do anything to hurt either of them. So I shut my feelings away and let them be happy. No other woman ever measured up to Heather, though, not that I ever gave them a chance to.

“My point is, until I met you, I hadn’t realized there was another woman out there who I could connect with like that. Years of never sleeping with a woman more than once, and the one time I did, the condom broke. I was bitter, and it scared me that I’d broken my rule for you, so I was cruel to you. I just wanted you to fuck off, so I could go back to life as I knew it.”

As if it ever would’ve been that easy to forget her, even if Lita hadn’t gotten pregnant.

“I went back to sleeping with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted, but I didn’t want them. I kept thinking about you. I started fantasizing about you, remembering what you were like that night. I even considered seeing if I could get your number, but I was still scared.

“Then you called Cooper’s office. I was terrified but also excited when he told me you had called—the woman I’d been masturbating over for a month. I pretty much knew why you’d called. Cooper was furious—‘Did you get that girl pregnant, Sebastian? You need to keep your fucking dick in your pants.’—and it was just so similar to what you’d said to me in the limo that I lost it, laughing. He was pissed.” I grin at her, remembering his frustration.

“The sex between us was just as good as it had been in Chicago. I kept sleeping with other women because, fuck, I don’t know. You scare the shit out of me, Lita. I told you last night, you’re too good for me, and I meant it. If I keep sleeping with other women, then it doesn’t matter if you tell me to fuck off because I never really cared. Except I do care, and you know I care.”

It’s all out on the table now, and Lita takes in what I’ve told her. I’m on edge waiting to see what she’ll say, and I feel utterly exposed by her knowledge of all of my secret fears and worries.

After a few seconds, she says, “Okay, well, I told you I wouldn’t do that, and I meant it. I want a new ground rule. You can sleep with other women, but you have to treat them with the same respect that you do with me, Heather, and Ariana. Treat them like they’re human beings, not disposable fuck toys.”

“I don’t know if I can do that, princess,” I tell her honestly.

“Yes, you can. I’m not saying you need to start going on dates and get a girlfriend. Just, I don’t know, don’t turf her out of your apartment at two in the morning. If you’re going to a hotel and you plan on leaving as soon as sex is done, tell her in advance. You say women know what to expect, but make sure they really do. Don’t just pull out of her and say, ‘Ciao, baby, have a nice life.’ That’s cruel.” Lita shrugs.

“Okay, princess. Agreed, and I’ll try my best,” I say with a sigh, because I don’t want to disappoint her, and I’m not sure if I can.

“Also, seriously consider seeing a therapist, but that’s just a suggestion,” Lita shrugs again.

“I’ll think about it. Ti posso abbracciare?” I ask, because I really need her in my arms again.

“Sì,” she agrees as she moves toward me to put her arms around me for a hug.

I hold her for a long time, feeling strange about everything. A part of me is scared that Lita will spill my secret, but I also trust her not to. I don’t know how badly it could fuck up my friendships if she did, but there’s a reason I never told anyone that I was in love with Heather. In the beginning, I didn’t want to risk losing the band when Harrison was so clearly in love with her. Later, I didn’t want to risk losing Heather or Harrison.

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