Page 116 of Sebastian's Baby

“It works because I closed myself off to a romantic relationship with you when we started this. I closed that door because it meant when people asked me why I was okay with you sleeping with other women, I could truly be okay with it. I closed that door because I didn’t want to be jealous when I saw you with other women. I closed that door because I wanted to enjoy the time we do spend together.”

Tears are rolling down her face, and I want desperately to pull her into my arms and soothe her, but I’m also barely keeping it together myself right now. Hearing that she can’t accept my love because of my own stupid past desire to fuck anyone I want is painful because I brought this on myself.

“I told you at Galena I was trying to find my place, and it constantly feels like the goalposts are being moved on me. I settled for fuck buddies. You told me we weren’t fuck buddies. I settled for friends, co-parents who love each other. Now, you’re telling me you’re in love with me. It’s too much. I still have my life in Seattle. You still have your life in Chicago. I don’t want a long-distance relationship. What I want is a man who wants me and only me—a man who is in my bed every night and every morning. I’ve accepted everything you’ve offered me, Sebastian, but I can’t accept this. We want different things.”

She’s decided in her head what I want, but she doesn’t know, so I point out, “You haven’t even asked me what I want.”

I can barely get the words out because a part of me thinks that she’s not going to ask. That she’s going to shut me down without even giving me a chance.

She sighs and looks at me. “What do you want, Sebastian?”

There’s only one thing I want.

“You, Lita. I want you.”

Lita shakes her head. “That doesn’t answer my question, Seb. We have two very different lives in different cities. What are you expecting? That I’ll move to Chicago all of a sudden? Or are you going to move to Seattle? What do you really think will happen here?”

I hadn’t thought about what I would do, but I really don’t care as long as I’m with her, so I answer, “I told you, Lita. I want you. If it means moving to Seattle, I guess I will.”

Lita shakes her head, a visual rejection before her verbal one comes through. “I’m sorry, Seb. I can’t love you the way you want me to. We probably shouldn’t sleep together anymore, either. I wouldn’t feel right. Not if you’re really in love with me. It’s not fair to you. So, if you want to take me up on my offer of dropping the ground rule tonight, feel free. Just not in the same place as I am, okay?”

It feels as though I’m being shredded into pieces. Every cell in my body hurts, and I feel humiliated because I knew she was too good for me, but I fell in love with her anyway. I can’t reply, and I can’t stand her nearness, so I stand up and walk over to one of the single armchairs on the other side of the plane in silence.

I spend the rest of the plane ride with Lita’s words running through my mind.

“I can’t love you the way you want me to.”

I feel unlovable as I remember that Heather couldn’t love me the way I wanted her to, either. I came to terms with that, but the pain I feel at hearing it from Lita is immeasurable, and I’m sure that I will never be able to cope with it.

“I’ve accepted everything you’ve offered me, Sebastian, but I can’t accept this.”

My love. She can’t accept my love—the one thing I’ve never willingly offered up to someone the way I did with her today.

“I’m dropping the ground rule for tonight.”

I don’t want to fuck anyone else tonight. I want to fuck her, but she apparently doesn’t want that now. All because I told her that I’m in love with her.

“I can’t love you the way you want me to.”

All because I’m unlovable.

I can barely stand sitting next to her in the car on the drive to my apartment. Her flowery scent invades my senses and reminds me of all the times I’ve kissed her and held her and fucked her. She looks miserable, but I don’t take any joy in that. I wish I didn’t love her because this hurts too much, and I hate myself for falling for her.

When we reach my apartment, I wheel our luggage inside, then stop at the hallway to the rooms and manage to ask, “I assume I’m taking your luggage to one of the spare rooms?”

Lita swallows heavily and nods at me. I hate this so much, but I do what she wants and take her luggage to one of my spare rooms before wordlessly heading to my own. There are hours between now and the time when I have to leave for Gabriel’s party, hours that I had planned to kill while in bed with Lita.

I can’t stand the thought of being in the apartment with her, knowing that she doesn’t want me, so I quickly get dressed and head back to the entry where Daryl and Benjamin are sitting.

“I’m ready to go out,” I tell Daryl.

He nods, and we take the elevator downstairs. When we get into the black SUV, he asks me, “Where to, Mr. Fox?”

“The nearest bar,” I tell him.

He takes me to a bar nearby and I walk up to the bartender. I see the flicker of surprise and recognition in her eyes as I do.

“Hi, can I get a glass of Glenfiddich whisky?”

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