Page 135 of The Stalker

“I’m dreading asking this question, but what did you think?” Hayden grinned at her as the credits rolled on the screen.

“Awful!” Tatiana snorted. “They retconned SPECTRE. Blofeld was so damn obvious, and it was way too long. I did like the train fight with Mr. Hinx, though.”

“Don’t hold back, preciosa,” he said and kissed her.

Tatiana laughed, “Somehow, I care a little less right now.”

He pressed his lips to hers again, and they kissed for a while before she rested her head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. They lay together for some time, and the peace she felt from being with him washed over her.

She still desperately needed sex, and she asked him, “So, how does the whole BDSM thing work?”

Hayden’s body stiffened, and when she turned her face up to look at him, he was looking back at her with curiosity in his expression.

“Why do you ask?”

“I’ve been thinking about what you said, and I was just wondering how it works.” Tatiana shrugged, but her heart was pounding in her chest.

“Well, it can look different depending on the relationship and what you want to do. In a general sense, though, we would pick a safe word, and you would use it if you ever wanted to stop anything we were doing.”

Tatiana considered what he’d told her. She’d been unable to stop thinking about their conversation in the hotel, but she hadn’t been brave enough to bring it up until now.

“What sort of things would we be doing? Spanking and stuff?”

“We would have rules. I know you love those,” he winked at her. “But these would be my rules, and you would follow them or be punished.”

A thrill of arousal ran through Tatiana, along with a healthy dose of adrenaline, and she felt conflicted. She definitely wanted to try it, but she was still uncertain. Hayden was looking at her as she thought it through, and she decided to tell him as much as she could.

“Remember when we talked about the idea of torture?” she asked him.

Hayden nodded. “Yes. I wanted to know what would make you bite a cyanide capsule.”

There was no trace of amusement in his face, and the air between them was thick with tension.

“I’ve been tortured,” she whispered.

There was silence as Hayden stared back at her. His expression was a mixture of horror and sadness. She couldn’t stop the tears that came to her eyes, and Hayden pulled her tightly to him. He stroked her back and kissed her head while she cried. When she moved away from him to look into his face again, his eyes were glistening with tears as well.

“I don’t even have the words to tell you how much I wish that had never happened to you, Tati.”

“Thanks,” she sighed and stared at the picture on his t-shirt. “I thought I was over it. I’ve…seen people about it.”

She couldn’t tell him specifics, not even about the debriefings and meetings and counseling she’d been put through to try and get over it. Yet, somehow, confessing it to him had made it feel as fresh and raw as if it happened yesterday.

“Tatiana.” He placed his fingers under her chin and turned her face up to look at him. “You don’t have to be over it. I don’t even know exactly what happened, and I know that.”

“I wish I didn’t know what happened,” she choked out around a lump in her throat.

Hayden kissed her softly and squeezed her tightly again. She allowed the peace of being with him to return and push away the dark memories from her brain. It felt as though she kept them shut behind a door, but if she ever allowed it to crack open, they would consume her again.

She took a deep breath and attempted to lock the door as she said quietly, “Anyway. I don’t know if doing BDSM stuff might be triggering for me.”

Hayden inhaled sharply and shook his head. “No. We’re not doing BDSM. No.”

She was surprised by how disappointed this made her. She’d been excited to try this with him. It was unfair that her past could prevent her from enjoying her present.

“I’m still interested in trying it, though,” she told him.

“Tati, the basic principle of BDSM is that it’s safe, sane, and consensual. Doing it while knowing that it could possibly be harmful to you would absolutely not be safe or sane.”

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