Page 127 of Harrison's Wedding

“No, I know that. I mean, I thought that would be the case. I just wanted to check.”

“Understandable. I’ll see you at two,” Cooper says before ending the call.

I drop my phone on the table and look at it. I’m going to see Heather today. I’m also going to see Maddy. Images of Maddy in bed with me play in my head, but I push them away before the nausea can take hold.

“What meeting are we going to with Heather and Maddy?” Hayden asks me. “I assume it’s something to do with what happened?”

I look up at him and nod my head. “Apparently, they’ve arrested someone for the drugging. We’ve got a meeting at Cooper’s office at two this afternoon.”

“Fuck. How do you feel?”

I heave a sigh and shrug. “Weird. I don’t really know how to feel. I’m thinking that I’ll see if Brendan can see me this morning by some miracle.”

“That’s a really good idea, Harrison.” Hayden smiles at me.

I smile back. “Thanks. I certainly thought so.”

We finish up our breakfast, and I call and ask if there’s some chance to see Brendan today. I tell his receptionist that something important has come up and I would need to see him before midday. She calls back five minutes later and tells me he can fit me in at eleven.

When I’m sitting on his sofa, he smiles at me. “How can I help you today, Harrison?”

I place my hand on the ring hanging under my shirt and work hard to take some deep breaths. I can barely tell him what’s happened, but I focus on my breathing until my heart rate slows a little.

“I’m seeing Heather and Maddy today.”

“Both of them?” Brendan’s eyebrows raise a little.

“Yes. The police have arrested someone for the drugging, and we’ve got a meeting at my manager’s office to discuss it with them.”

“I see. So, what feelings are you having about this?” Brendan asks as he writes something down on his notepad.

“I’m definitely stressed. I’ve been trying to focus on my breathing exercises, but I’m apprehensive about seeing Heather, let alone Maddy.” Images of Maddy come to my mind, but I shake my head and focus on my breathing.

“Very valid feelings to have. Do you feel as though you need to have a drink?” he asks in a concerned tone.

I shake my head. “Not really. I’ve cut back on my drinking a lot. I still do it sometimes, though. Mostly weekends when I go out with Hayden,” I admit.

“From what I understand, you’re the one driving those outings, am I correct?”

Shame and guilt hit me as I nod my confirmation. On the nights we’ve stayed home, I’ve barely had alcohol, but when we go out, I still get blind drunk.

I think about why I’m doing it and sigh heavily before admitting, “A part of me gets a sick pleasure out of the paparazzi punishing me.”

I remember Sebastian telling me that he wouldn’t be a part of my punishment for myself, and I’m ashamed that he knew exactly what I was trying to get him to do. I wanted him to hurt me, to tell me I was as bad as I thought I was. The paparazzi have no such qualms. They don’t hesitate to ask me the cruelest questions they can think of.

“So, there’s a part of you that still blames yourself amidst all of this,” Brendan says as he writes something down.

“Yes. I know, rationally, that I’m not to blame, but a part of me still feels like a piece of shit for what I did.”

“Do you think that hearing who was behind it will perhaps help you to accept that you were a victim in what happened?” Brendan asks.

I consider it and shrug my shoulders. “Maybe. I hope so. I mean, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly forgive myself, but I’d be happy just to be able to move past it at least.”

“You can’t rush the healing process. You’re already making steps toward it, and that’s something.”

It’s strange to hear him say this. It still feels as though simply existing is like pushing a rock uphill every day. I have been working hard during my sessions to try and become the kind of man Heather deserves, though.

I can’t bear the thought of this separation becoming permanent. She still hasn’t told me to sell the apartment. The final string tying us together sometimes feels tenuous, and I keep expecting her to decide to cut it before either of us reaches a place where we could be together again.

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