Page 100 of Harrison's Wedding

He looks me in the eyes for a second. I know that I’m a masochist, and I know that I won’t like his answer. I meet his gaze and wait for his response, feeling my body tense as I do.

“She reminds me of Gabriel when Ariana left,” he finally says quietly.

A sharp pain hits my chest, and I know he’s right. I hadn’t put it together until he said it, but that’s exactly how Heather is behaving. It’s like she’s empty inside. I broke her, and everything that makes herherhas leaked out now. I’ve left her a shell of the person she used to be. It’s a terrifying thought when I combine it with my knowledge of how dark Gabriel became during that time.

“Well, I know your thoughts on Ariana. What do you think about me if that’s the case, Sebastian?”

There’s a thick tension in the air, and he says, “You know that isn’t a fair comparison.”

“Why not? I mean, Ariana was the reason Gabriel was that way, and you don’t have a problem hating her for that.”

“She made a choice. You didn’t. I wouldn’t have a problem hating you if you cheated on Heather, but—”

“I fucked Maddy. I cheated on Heather. You should hate me, because she certainly does,” I spit at him.

I’m breathing heavily, and my jaw tenses as I glare at him.

“Stop this. What you’re doing isn’t helping anyone, least of all Heather. I don’t hate you, and I doubt Heather does. The way I see it, the only person who hates you, is you.”

There’s an awkward silence between us as his words ricochet through the air. It’s not true. Heather might still love me, but she also hates me subconsciously. I’ve turned her into a different person and I’m lying to her. She’s just staying out of loyalty, even though it’s terrible between us.

“Sure. Whatever you say.”

“I refuse to be a part of the mental self-flagellation that you’re insisting on doing. If you can’t forgive yourself, okay. But you don’t get to tell me that I don’t forgive you or that Heather doesn’t forgive you.”

“Shedoesn’tforgive me,” I point out.

Sebastian grits his teeth. “Okay, bad example. Why did you come to my apartment today, Harrison? I’m not going to tell you that you’re a terrible person who doesn’t deserve Heather because it’s not true.”

He’s right. A part of me wants someone to tell me that I’m a piece of shit. I want someone to voice the things I know to be true about myself.

“I don’t know,” I admit quietly.

“Well, if you figure it out, let me know.” He sighs and indicates to the television. “Shall we watch the rest of this, then?”

“Sure.” I nod and pick up my drink to take a sip.

We don’t talk as the movie plays out on the screen. I don’t know how much of it Sebastian takes in, but I’m not really paying attention. Either way, neither of us responds when there are parts that are clearly intended to be funny.

When it ends, Sebastian picks up the remote and switches the TV off.

“I guess I should head home,” I say in a dull voice.

“Yeah, you should.”

“Thanks for letting me come over,” I say automatically.

Sebastian gives me an amused grin. “I didn’t really have a choice. You just turned up.”

I manage to laugh at this and say, “Yeah, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to ruin your afternoon.”

We both stand, and as we walk toward the entryway, he says, “You didn’t ruin it. I’m more than happy for you to come over anytime you want. I’m worried about Heather, but I’m worried about you, too. Have you talked to someone about what happened?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “I came here from our therapy session.”

“No, not couples counseling. Haveyoutalked to someone?”

I stop and shrug my shoulders. “Not outside of the sessions with Heather.”

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