Page 65 of Gabriel's Album

She shakes her head and denies the truth. “I don’t think you’re right.”

“I’ve given it a lot of thought, actually. It’s okay; I’m fine with it. It’s just how it is.” I smile wryly at her.

“If I’m closed off from you at all, it’s not because I have all the power,” Ariana frowns. “I suppose I’m just scared that you’ll hurt me.”

“I would never do that. Not if I could help it,” I say sincerely.

“I know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, but it’s pretty terrifying being with you sometimes.”

“How so?” I ask.

I feel like I know what she’s going to say, but I want to hear her say it.

“Well, for a start, you’re absolutely gorgeous.” She reaches her hand down and begins playing with my hair again.

As if she isn’t stunning herself.

“So are you.”

She smiles at me. “According to you. Anyway, secondly, you’re a famous rock star, and that fact is pretty damn intimidating in and of itself.”

There it is. Always the fucking rock star shit. It seems as though no matter how much I show her that I loveher, there’s always a part of her that thinks I’m going to pull a Sebastian and sleep with a groupie all of a sudden.

“I would’ve thought that you’d be past the whole fame thing by now.”

I close my eyes because I can’t keep looking into hers; it hurts too much. Instead, I focus on the feeling of her hand stroking my head, which is still soothing, despite our current conversation.

“To be honest, I thought I’d be past it by now too. I don’t see you as Gabriel Knight much of the time anymore. You’re just Gabe to me.”

I smile at her words and the confirmation that I’m ‘just Gabe’ to her. I love her so much, and I love that she calls me the name reserved for my family. I don’t know if she’s noticed that none of my friends use it. If she has noticed, then she hasn’t mentioned it. Heather noticed at once, of course, and commented on it to me the first time she had me alone after hearing Ariana use it.

“It’s still hard, though. Even though I don’t see you as just a rock star, you still are one. There’s still all the paparazzi to deal with and the fans who want a piece of you whenever they can get near you.”

“You know how to fix the fan situation,” I say sternly as I open my eyes to look at her again.

“Yes, I do. However, that would make the paparazzi situation worse, and there’s the rub.” Ariana sighs deeply.

I feel the disappointment wash over me at her words. I’m back to that place where I don’t know if she’s ever going to want to publicly be with me, and I really don’t know how long this will be sustainable in that case.

“I don’t know what to say, Ari. Nothing I say will change our situation; it is what it is. The only thing that can change is how you deal with it.”

“I know that Gabe, I do, and I’m trying to get past it, but there’s so much stuff flying at me on a daily basis that it’s hard, I guess. I don’t know…” Ariana trails off.

I sit up, and her hand falls to her side. She pulls her knees up to her chest, wraps her arms around them, and rests her head on her knees. She looks as though she’s trying to protect herself, and I feel a stab of pain in my heart.

I move so that I’m sitting on the hard, wooden floor opposite her. I spread my legs out in front of me and lean back on my hands after glancing quickly at my watch.

“I don’t know about you, but I’ve got all the time in the world during which you can explain it to me.”

I smile at her, but I feel as though I can’t breathe. It seems like she might actually be willing to have a proper discussion about this, and I’m scared about what she could say. I love her so much that it hurts. Shouldn’t love be easier than this? But if it was easier than this, would I care as much as I do?

I watch Ariana chewing on her thumbnail before she finally says, “Okay. I get that you love me, and I know that I love you. That’s how we both feel right now, but what about the future? In ‘real life,’ people break up all the time, and it’s no big deal. You grieve the end of the relationship, and you move on with your life. Not a problem. With us? For me to openly admit to being in a relationship with you means so much more.”

I wince at her casually admitting that she frequently thinks about us breaking up. That a part of the reason she won’t be with me openly is that she’s worried about a life post-me.

“First, it could hurt your popularity and, consequently, affect the band. Second, it’s not something I can ever take back. Once it’s out there, I’ll become public fodder. If, heaven forbid, we do break up, then I become ‘Gabriel Knight’s ex-girlfriend.’ How do I move on from that?”

Ariana spreads her arms wide as she finishes her explanation, and I can’t stop myself from frowning.

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