Page 125 of Gabriel's Album

I think I’m feeling this way because it’s the last night of the tour, and everything is almost over. I’m glad when the song ends and we move into the next one. It’s more upbeat, and definitely less emotional for me. I sing about leaving her behind to perform in Rockefeller Plaza, and about the excitement of having my dreams come true with her in my life for support. Of seeing her become friends with one of my oldest friends and how much it meant that she fit into our group.

When the song finishes, a spotlight shines down on me, and I stand in the uncomfortable heat of it while I wait for the audience noise to die down so I can speak.

“I wrote this next song for somebody very special,” I tell the audience. “Sometimes people don’t realize just how amazing they are unless they’re told. This person was just like that.”

We launch into “Beloved Secret,” and I feel the stabbing pain in my chest again. This song is both my favorite and least favorite song onHeart Wide Open. It’s certainly the song I sing most often. Even now that I’m with Elena, I will catch myself playing the melody on my piano, strumming the chords for it on my guitar, or absentmindedly singing it. It’s as though the song is burned into my soul, and it means the most to me of any song I’ve ever written.

We move on to the song about the pool hall, and I sing about being unintentionally cruel to Ariana. This song has garnered a lot of speculation online about what I did to upset the person I’m singing about. I’ve been down the rabbit hole a few times of reading threads on websites where people give their theories. It’s fascinating to see the conclusions they make from my songwriting, but it’s also not good for my mental health, so I try not to do it too often.

I finish up the song, then take a seat at a white grand piano. The crowd screams for a solid thirty seconds before it finally gets quiet.

“I hope everyone’s having a great night.” I wait for silence again before I begin playing some soft chords on the piano and say, “This song is about that feeling when you desperately want a reason to cling on to what you have, but you feel like it’s slipping through your fingers.”

We’re well and truly into the songs that are so hard for me to sing now. The second half of the album is so deeply emotional for me, and it gets worse as I approach the last two songs. This one, which is about being under the stage, never fails to hurt me. Even now, I feel like that day was the closest I ever got to Ariana bringing her walls down permanently, but it’s almost as though the magic faded the second we were out of there. It’s always felt as though that day was the point where we started truly breaking apart.

My heart is pounding in my chest as my friends leave the stage, and I’m left alone in front of the white grand piano. The audience’s screaming slowly dies down so I’m able to speak.

“This song is one of the few songs that I’ve written both the lyrics and music for with no input from anyone else. I can openly say that it means a lot to me, and I hope that it means as much to you.”

I begin to play the simple refrains from the beginning of the song. When we released this song, it stayed at the top of the charts for months, which still amazes me. I’ve received so many messages from fans relating to it, which is nice, and equally amazing.

“I need you in my life, right now. More than I need to breathe.” My voice echoes around the arena as I sing the last line of the bridge.

I remember asking Ariana if I had anything to worry about the day she skipped the zoo and I found her relaxed and happy in her hotel room with Sebastian. I know she lied to me, I felt it at the time, but I wanted to pretend everything was okay.

It’s another day that I wish I could go back to, not because I would handle it differently, but because it would mean she hadn’t left me. This thought surprises me, and I frown as I finish out the song. I have a girlfriend, and Ariana is in the past. It’s just tonight that’s messing with my head.

I’m grateful when my friends join me back onstage. They take their places in front of the crowd, who scream and pull me out of my strange line of thinking.

“What? You weren’t happy with just me?” I joke, and the audience screams louder, causing me to laugh.

I begin to sing the song we began writing in the hotel in Los Angeles. Sebastian plays some simple chords on guitar, and Hayden plays a fast beat on the drums. Initially, the song was about our excitement for the Grammys, but when we decided to put it on the album, we changed some of the words. It’s now a song about achieving a life goal while your relationship falls apart around you. I wanted to keep this song because it meant so much to me having written it that day, and it felt important to have it onHeart Wide Open.

We move into the next song, and I feel a thrill of excitement. We have a surprise planned for the audience, and I know they’re going to love it. I sing the first half of my verse with just my piano music playing, and the tempo picks us as the guys start playing for the second half of my verse.

When we reach April’s verse, she begins singing while backstage and walks out in front of the crowd as she sings it. They go ballistic when they realize that she’s actually here, and this isn’t just a recording.

She grins at me while she sings, and I grin back before joining her for the chorus. The duet never gets easier for me. It’s written in dual perspectives of both myself and Ariana, and it hurts every time I sing it.

I relive the devastation I felt when Ariana couldn’t walk the red carpet with me, and each time April sings, ‘I’m so sorry. Do you hate me?’, I can practically hear Ariana asking me the question at the Grammys. It’s the one line in the song that kills me every time.

“Thank you so much for joining us tonight, April,” I say to her.

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, Gabriel. Thanks for inviting me,” she grins back.

“April Conway, everybody!” I announce to the crowd, who cheer the loudest they have all evening.

I’m not really ready for this. Three songs left to get through, and my time with Ariana really will be over. Two songs from the album and an encore. I know we’ll perform these songs again in the future, but never like this. Never with me being forced to relive our relationship from beginning to end, with me having to put my heart on display for everyone to see night after night.

I clear my throat, swallowing against a lump that’s forming there, and say, “This song is probably one of the hardest I’ve ever had to write.”

The crowd makes the same ‘aww’ sound in unison that every crowd on this tour has made when I’ve talked about this song. The grand piano is rolled back out, and I sit down and begin to play a simple refrain from the beginning of the song as I continue speaking to the audience.

“I say that I ‘had to’ write it, and I mean that. It was a very difficult time for me, and writing this helped me to try and put everything into perspective. It’s a song about how you can try as hard as you can to hold on to someone, but sometimes, you just have to let them go.”

There are a few screams from around the arena as I continue to play the same chords, and Sebastian’s guitar is added to my piano music.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Hayden Vega!” I announce.

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