Page 115 of Gabriel's Album

“Tell me what’s happening, Gabriel.”

I think about what he’s asking, and I tell him the truth. “I can’t do this.”

It’s cruel and unusual that I should echo Ariana’s words when ending our relationship. I shouldn’t be surprised when Sebastian, in turn, echoes my own.

“Can’t do what, Gabriel?”

This is where the conversation diverts, and a part of me wants to lie, but a bigger part of me is scared. “Anything. I can’t live this life, it’s too hard, and the thought of doing it makes me so tired.”

“You’ve worked hard to get where you are. Don’t quit being a rock star just because of Ariana,” Sebastian says.

I shake my head and whisper, “Not the rock star life, Sebastian. Life. I can’t handle this pain. I feel like there’s a blanket over me, and it’s crushing me. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything. There’s nothing for me.”

“Gabriel, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” I see the fear written all over his face, and I can hear it in his voice as well.

I can’t respond. I can't voice the dark thoughts that have been swirling through my mind. I’m scared.

“What are you saying?” he asks more firmly.

I consider my options, and I know which one I would take. “I’m saying that it’s a lot easier to get a bottle of pills than it is to continue like this.”

The silence in the room is tense as my words ricochet through the air around us. I’m scared for myself, but some part of me is relieved that I’ve told somebody because I know that I can’t go on like this.

“Gabriel, you can’t do that,” Sebastian finally breathes into the silence between us.

“I can,” I tell him. “What I can’t do is live a life devoid of meaning.”

“Ariana isn’t your meaning, though. You have music; you have us. We all love you.”

“You don’t get it, Sebastian.” I look away from him and stare out the windows of the room. “You’ve never been in love like that. She was everything I ever wanted in a woman, and when it was good between us, it was better than I ever dreamed. Now she’s gone, and I don’t think I’ll find that again.”

“No, you’ll find someone else. Someone better suited to you. Someone who can walk a red carpet at the Grammys. I liked Ariana, but she wasn’t your perfect match,” Sebastian objects.

“It doesn’t matter.” I turn to look at him again. “Because she doesn’t want me. So, I can’t do this. Please leave me alone, now.”

“No, Gabriel. I’m not leaving you alone. Because if what you’ve said is true, then I can’t.”

I glare at him. “Just go.”

“No. And if you try to make me leave, I’ll call the hospital and have you admitted for a psych evaluation.”

I stand up from the armchair, then walk into the bedroom. I flop onto the bed to see Sebastian standing in the doorway.

“Fuck off,” I snarl.

“Again, no.”

Sebastian strides across the room and drops into an armchair near the window. He pulls out his phone and starts looking at the screen.

“I hate you,” I say.

Sebastian shrugs but doesn’t say anything. I give in to the tears that rock my body. What I told him scared me, and I’m not sure if I would’ve done it, but the thought was there. I swallow heavily and try to catch my breath.

There’s a knock on the door to my suite after about five minutes, and Sebastian walks over to let the person in. He leaves the door to my bedroom open, giving me no privacy, and I see him glance over at me multiple times on the way to the suite’s door as though I might magic up a bottle of pills from where I’m lying on the bed.

It turns out that Hayden is the person at the door, and Sebastian says, “Thanks for coming. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes; I just need to do something.”

Sebastian leaves the suite and Hayden walks into my bedroom. He leans against the doorframe, crosses his arms over his chest and one ankle over the other as he looks at me curiously.

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