Page 33 of Axton

I was laying in my bed, unable to relax. It wasn’t dark enough in my room, there was a light in the hallway, and I could see too well. I always needed a dark place to sleep, or at least lay alone with my thoughts and prayers. I wasn’t tired, and really wished I could walk around without waking anyone up. My body was stiff, and my mind still felt a little foggy from all the medicine. I didn’t want to take it anymore.

I thought about my papa and how he was probably already on the other side. I wondered if he went to heaven. The more Ilearned, the more I realized that my papa was faithful to his religion, but maybe not so much to God. It wasn’t his fault, it was the way he was raised, and he didn’t have a public education because most large schools weren’t built yet. He attended a few years, but it was a one room schoolhouse. He mostly learned everything he knew from the church and never had to work a job like the other men. He served his God and his followers. Unlike what we were taught, the people on the outside world were saying we have a forgiving God. Would God forgive my papa because he didn’t know better? But then I wondered why my papa feared the law so much if what he was doing wasn’t wrong.

I felt a presence then saw a figure in the doorway. It was Michael and he was looking in on me. “I’m not sleeping.”

“You should really get some rest.” He said.

“The last thing I need is more rest. I believe the one that should be resting is you.”

“I slept for a bit, but woke up and can’t get back to sleep.”

“Then come in.” I sat up and scooted over and patted the space next to me.

“I’m not sure that’s appropriate.”

“It’s not like we haven’t shared a room. I’ll decide what’s appropriate. Just come sit.”

He stepped in the room then sat on the bed next to me. “You must be tired.”

He was purposely not looking at me and sat back with his arms crossed. I didn’t care if he was uncomfortable, I laid my head on his arm and got comfy.

“Comfortable?” He chuckled.

“Yes, and safe. This room doesn’t get dark enough to feel safe and Koty keeps opening my door so he can listen for me.”

“Most people feel scared a lot more in the dark than the light.” He said.

“Really? Why?”

“Because they fear what they can’t see.” He answered.

“But they don’t fear what others can see?”

He scratched his beard. “I don’t really know what that means.”

“When I can be seen, it means others can see me. They give me strange looks, and looks that make me uncomfortable. I can see it in men’s eyes, they want something from me. In my community we are always being judged. You’re not faithful enough, you don’t pray enough, you don’t serve the almighty God well enough. You stand out too much. You’re too tall, and comments about my looks happen all the time. But when I’m alone in my bedroom and it’s dark, nobody is looking at me or judging me. My father has prophecies, and some of them make me feel uneasy because they come true. Sometimes I think when he stares at me, he’s reading my thoughts, or he can see what comes to me in my dreams. Except when you’re near. You don’t look at me like there’s something wrong with me.”

He chuckled. “How do you think I look at you?”

“Like I’m something you need and don’t understand why, because you don’t want to need me. I make you feel warm, adored, and good because you know you make me feel safe. You like it when I reach for you to hold me because I’m scared. I also think your attraction to me is strong and not like you’ve felt toward other women. I know because I felt you before I evenopened my eyes. I knew you were meant to be in that hospital room with me.”

He drew in a deep breath. “That’s not a good thing, Belle. I’m not as good of a man as you think, and I’m not always this kind. You sort of bring it out of me. You look at me like I hung the moon, but I didn’t and I’m nobody’s hero.”

“That motorcycle didn’t crash because I was brave and jumped. It crashed because I was frantic and not thinking straight. I caused that crash, and a man died, but you don’t shame me for it. I can feel you before I even see you, and you make me forget it even happened.”

He shook his head. “That man caused his own death. I’m no kidnapper, but I think it’s well known that a well-planned kidnapping doesn’t usually include a motorcycle as your best mode of transportation. The man was probably a drunk and definitely was a piece of shit. You shouldn’t be ashamed or feel guilty. There is no reason why that crash would have been your fault.”

I gasped for the fiftieth time since we started our journey, just from the foul language.

“You’ll need to get used to the curse words before we get to Creed’s Lake. I’m afraid my friends and family will give you a seizure if you gasp that way every time someone uses a curse word. Even my little niece tries to get away with it from time to time and she’s only seven.”

I smiled. “How many nieces do you have?”

He smiled. “Just the one, Addie. My buddy and brother in arms adopted her with his wife, Morgan, but I guess we all kind of adopted her. I’m scared to ask how many nieces you have.”

I laughed a little. “That depends if you’re asking about nieces, great nieces, or great-great nieces. I don’t know for sure exactly how many, but in total and not including my siblings that left our community, my papa has somewhere in the neighborhood of over two hundred grandchildren. That doesn’t include his great or great-great grandchildren.” I explained.

“That’s absolutely insane and no wonder you don’t celebrate Christmas. That would be a huge shopping list. You have forty-seven siblings, and I have one. Her name is Kayla and she’s an attorney that works in the law practice Creed’s Lake owns. My mom lives with her, and they have a house about twenty minutes from Creed’s Lake. She isn’t married and doesn’t have any kids. I’m very proud of her.”

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