Page 106 of Axton

I wiped away a tear as I listened to his voice mail one more time. Then I read through his texts again, and they still told me the same thing, that woman had feelings for Axton that ran deeper than friendship.

I was back home and in our bed. Michael called again, but I was in the shower and not sure I was ready to talk. I had a lot of time to think while in that bunker and decided I didn’t have a choice but to fight for the man I loved. That meant sitting down with him and letting him explain everything. I wouldn’t retreat from what we had, it was worth every hardship we may have faced. I might have needed time to think after we talked, but I wasn’t going to give up.

Ever since I met Michael and learned about Natalie, I was able to see things that others may not have noticed. He wouldn’t make love to me without a spiritual marriage. I understood why and reading those texts confirmed he was different with me. It wasn’t about sex, I knew that much. It was about a deeper connection, making his first time with me different than he ever had with any other woman. I also wasn’t innocent when it came to my desires.They drove me to want experiences I wasn’t even aware existed. Maybe we weren’t so different than we thought.

His voicemail gave me comfort. It was like he said exactly what I needed to hear. He did those things because he was searching for something he couldn’t find, until he found me. Did that mean those desires in him no longer existed, or would they come back later? Did it mean he would have needed me to take part in those things? Problem was, I had no desire to feel another man’s touch, or to touch another man. I certainly didn’t want him to touch another woman. I didn’t want an open marriage like Kayla explained. It was about my upbringing. I didn’t want to be like my mother and share my husband. I wanted to be the only woman he ever needed.

He was coming home the next day. Not only did we need to talk about the other woman, but I had to come clean about invading his privacy and going to Club X and drinking alcohol to a point that I had almost no ability to care for myself. He was also going to be pissed at Kayla.

To further invade his privacy, I decided to make it worse by looking into his phone. I found the name Gloria and opened their conversation.

Michael: Did the nursing home get my last payment? They haven’t sent me an email to confirm.

Gloria: I just called them, and they said they just posted it to Will’s account and will send you the receipt now. How are things going with you?

Michael: You were right.

Gloria: You have to be a little more detailed. Right about what?

Michael: It was never an experience I needed, and I wasted a lot of time and energy looking in the wrong places. I met her,Gloria. The girl, the one that gives me the satisfaction I need just by smiling. Her laugh alone has made my life brighter and better.

Gloria: That’s wonderful news. I knew it was never about sex, but you needed to discover that on your own.

Michael: I married her to keep her safe, it’s a long story, but I knew when we went to the courthouse I wanted it to be real. I haven’t slept with her, Gloria. I need it to happen in the perfect way. I want another wedding, one that’s by choice and not by duty. I want everything with her, even little Belle’s and Mike’s. I can feel myself coming alive again after all this time.

Gloria: I think it’s great you are waiting. I am so proud of you. Will would be proud of you. Do I get an invitation to this wedding?

Michael: Absolutely, so how is my favorite therapist these days?

Gloria: Doing better, every day is a new challenge with Will. He’s my son and I can touch him, but at the same time he is gone. No matter how many years it’s been, it’s still hard. My anger toward his father never lessens. That’s also still a daily struggle. I don’t think I could have gotten through this without you, Mike. Enough about me, what have you done about Faye?

Michael: Shit, I keep meaning to call her back. I called her back a few times, but she didn’t answer. I’m about to tell her through text if she doesn’t make herself available soon.

Gloria: She might be avoiding it. She knows it wouldn’t last forever. Many people have friends they enjoy sex with, but it’s been a few years now. She has always said she never wanted more.

Michael: I can’t believe she came to you for therapy. Thanks, by the way, I think she’s taking what you said into consideration. She doesn’t want to settle down with anyone, but I can’t put my life on hold. Our last session while I was in Arizona helped. We were both relying too much on each other emotionally and we did put some distance between us by the time I was heading home.

Gloria: I was the one that suggested the exploration and I didn’t think it would have went on that long.

Michael: I thought we wanted the same things until I met Belle. On our last trip, I told her I never wanted marriage, and she agreed. Now she is going to marry this other man next year, but keep things up with us. It doesn’t work that way. I would never be someone’s side piece. She’s only doing it for her father to further his career. How did your last session go with her?

Gloria: Good, she’s going to talk with her family. She needs to come out on her terms if her family likes it or not. We talked about the lifestyle she wants, and it may take a while to find someone that wants the same things. She can’t marry a man and not tell him she’s bisexual and enjoys an alternative lifestyle. Now that you’re squared away, I can focus more on Faye, but you’ll always be my favorite guy. You can’t replace Will, but in my eyes you’re always a son to me.

Michael: Thanks Gloria, I feel the same way.

Gloria was Will’s mother, and she was a therapist? Faye was set to marry a different man? My head was spinning. I opened his photos, and I was shocked to see so many of me. In every single one of those photos I was smiling, except for one where I was sleeping.

I couldn’t fall asleep. I needed Michael, but I also needed to understand him and his needs. I couldn’t make our marriagereal if I thought he would need more than I could give. When I did fall asleep, it was restless. Kayla was in my old bedroom because she didn’t believe me when I said I was alright to stay alone. She was still upset about our behavior at the club, and so was I, but she felt worse. She told me how Michael always made sure she had decent clothes, shoes, a winter coat, but would go without his basic needs to make sure she was well cared for. I loved him for that, but it broke my heart to hear how hard life was for him growing up. She said when he was ten he would collect cans on the side of the road to turn in for money. He also helped an old man in town by cleaning his house and taking care of his lawn. By the time Michael was eleven he was helping the elderly gentleman get in and out of the shower and cooking food for him. Then when he was twelve the man died, and the family sold the home. He walked twelve miles in good and bad weather to make that money. He even spent some of what he made on a tie and jacket from the thrift store so he could attend the funeral and pay his respects. She also said she couldn’t count the nights she woke up and heard Michael crying in his room. He could never play sports, barely had time for homework, and would skip school to do quick jobs offered to him. I cried when she told me he would cry at night when he thought she was sleeping. Michael was just a baby and had been through so much. Kayla cried because she felt terrible for taking me out and getting me drunk, then encouraged me to do things that would have hurt Michael. I had no desire to hurt Michael and no desire to do anything with anyone else.

Pammy came by and had a talk with Kayla, but she didn’t help matters. It was obvious the woman was a narcissist because whenever Kayla brought up how bad their childhood was on Michael, the woman became defensive and tried to deflect by blaming others. She may not have been an active drinker, butshe still had narcissism. She made it sound like Michael worked so hard as a kid by choice.

Things were starting to make sense, but I still needed to hear Michael’s side of things. I also had to face my own rotten behavior.

I went to see my mama finally. It was hard because she still believed she was in a world of sinners. She didn’t leave Arizona by choice. Jeremy took her against her will, and she was scared. We talked about Michael and that seemed to calm her some, but just like the elders, we weren’t married in her eyes. She wanted to go to Utah and stick with the plan papa made for her. She and Miriam were to marry an older man, the same man, and produce more children. Poor Merriam was in her late forties and already birthed six children, but as long as she was still having cycles, she was still a viable wife. He already had thirty-two children, but many of his wives were no longer producing. I hoped they would stay in Indiana and start a new life, but those kinds of things couldn’t be forced. She was lost without papa and so was Koty’s mom. In fact, Koty was turned away by his mama. She saw him as a sinner because he ran away and took me with him. I wasn’t sure that it would make a difference by marrying Michael. They were all just too set in their ways. I knew we could help others, and Michael would stop the practice of child brides. Most of the men would be going to prison if the feds stayed involved and the women probably wouldn’t have a choice but to live on without the men. Michael already warned me though, the justice system wasn’t the best and those men might have never faced charges.

I couldn’t stay with my mama. Baros, who was filling in for Michael while Creed was on paternity leave, only gave me thirty minutes with her. They were keeping her safe and warm in an apartment with Merriam in bunker A, which was in a differenttunnel system than the main bunker. There was also an area that looked like a jail to me, but I ignored that part. Creed’s Lake was huge, but once you realized what was underground it was massive.

They were keeping our mamas off limits because they were cursing Creed’s Lake and when told to stop they refused. There were many injured and they lost three men, so mama and Merriam needed to show some respect. They would probably grow even worse if they saw many people or the behavior around Creed’s Lake. Baros was buying time for Michael to come home and deal with his mother in law. I didn’t know what to do with her either. Maybe if she saw the birthmark she would calm down, but Jeremiah planted horrible things in her head. I was surprised by her behavior since she helped me and Koty escape. I cried before I left, but composed myself because Michael would have been arriving soon. I knew I wouldn’t have been the first one to see him. He would know everything before he even saw me.

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