He had known the danger of seducing her and had watched the desire deepen with her love every day he’d pleasured her. He knew that she was falling for him, and while the gentlemanly part of him advised that he keep away from her, the primal part of him craved her with everything, insisting on keeping her for himself.
In fact, a part of him was happy that she was so lost in him that she could never have such feelings for another man.
It was wrong because he was sabotaging the same process that he claimed to be preparing her for, but the truth remained that, deep in his heart, he had always wanted her. Training her to find a husband was a ploy to spend more time with her. Only, those innocent meetings soon turned into impassioned meetings that still made him wake up at night with a raging erection.
His selfishness and desire had eventually brought him to a crossroads, and the question remained: was he going to give in to the overwhelming want that he felt for her, or would he endure the never-ending pain of letting her go?
CHAPTER 23
Staring into those unique green eyes that were fast on their way to becoming as important to him as his existence, he suddenly knew what he had to do, no matter how much he didn’t want to.
“You are perfect, Selina,” he said, forcing a reassuring smile as he placed his hands gently on her shoulders, hoping to chase away the frustrated look in her eyes. “You are not quite as awkward as you feel you are. You are beautiful, you are elegant, and you have the entire ton at your feet, as evidenced by the number of suitors you have attracted in so little time. I wager that you will find a man you could love before the end of the Season.”
That last statement caused a dull ache in his chest, but he swallowed the pain and kept his smile in place. Whatever he suffered was his fault, and he was going to suffer it quietly and with grace.
His smile fixed, he continued, “I know you think you need my help, but you do not. I have taught you everything I know. There is only one thing remaining for me to do to help you find your match.”
He watched as her eyes brightened with fragile hope. He felt like a cad crushing it, but it had to be done.
“What would that be?” she asked, hope spilling into her voice.
“I have to let you go, Selina,” he said hoarsely, watching as the sparkle in her eyes dimmed till it disappeared completely. “It is only when you are completely free of me that you will be able to find your true match.”
“Why?” she asked, her voice rising to a wail. “Why can’t you stay by my side and help me find my match? You are supposed to be my tutor. You can’t mean to abandon me. Why can’t you stay with me?”
“Because I am a distraction,” he said quietly. “With me gone, you will have a better chance of securing the husband you want.”
“But you are not a distraction,” she replied with a short laugh. “You are my friend, and you are helping me find the suitor that I desire.”
“But that is just it,” he said with a shrug. “You want more.”
He watched as she started to shake her head in denial.
“It is so obvious for even the blind to see. You tremble in my presence, you feel empty when I am not around, you seek me out at events, and you are willing to meet me in secluded spaces like the one we stand in, even under the threat of potential ruination. At some point, Selina, you have fallen for me, and I know this because I feel the same.”
He paused at the glitter in her eyes. He knew how she felt. How difficult it must be to stand before another person when emotionally vulnerable. He swallowed thickly, forcing himself to continue.
“Unfortunately, dear Selina, even though I want you so acutely that I feel I might die without your presence, we would not suit one another, and it is best that we go our separate ways now. A few more of these meetings and it might be impossible to do so because a few more of these meetings,” he said, gesturing between them, “and I might not be able to hold back from taking your maidenhead. I scarcely have control where you are concerned. Even now, I am fighting the need to pull you close and kiss you senseless.”
The tears in her eyes finally spilled out and fell in a straight track down her left cheek. The sight of her tears felt like a stab to his heart. He had done this simply because he had not been courageous enough to leave her earlier.
“I know. I know I am an absolute cad for doing this. I think I might have fallen for you a very long time ago, even before we met again in the ballroom. I had just used the guise of teaching you etiquette to justify my need to be close to you.
“I should never have led you on, but I could not help myself. I am addicted to you, Selina, and it is evil of me to tie you to myself when I do not have the intention of doing right by you. You deserve better. You deserve a man who will love you and adore you. A man who would be proud to declare to the whole world that you are his. Every part of my being wishes that I could be that man, but it is not meant to be. That is why I need to let you go.”
Slowly, he let her go. Stepping away from her was the hardest thing he had done in his life. His face turned away, he walked towards the door, but he was halted by the sound of her voice, raspy but firm.
“Wait!” she called.
It had been difficult enough to walk away from her, and the allure of her presence told him that he knew he should flee, never stop, and never turn back because he might not be able to break free of the temptation twice.
But he ignored the warnings in his head, and even before he decided to turn around, he was already doing it.
She looked so beautiful in the candlelight, fragile like his mother’s expensive china. Her face shone with her tears, and he wanted to pull her into his arms, dry her tears, and tell her that he would be with her forever, but he knew that was impossible even as the thought came to mind.
He was not prepared for the next words that escaped her delectable lips.
“Kiss me,” she said as if she was asking for a dance.