Page 54 of Accidental Vampire

“Oh? Because Tiffany over there can’t have an orgasm, we should all hold an aspirin between our knees?”

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?” Shit, that one I did say aloud. Everyone, in unison, swung their gaze at me, and then zeroed in on Shaw. It took him a few seconds to realize we were all hanging on his words, or lack thereof.

“Here’s the thing. If you get fucked, you get bonded. Tied to someone for life.” Gonzo declared with a giant smile on his face. Zinnia groaned and hid her head in her hands.

Shaw sighed, resigned.

“Vampires bond. It’s part of the magic.”

“Magic?” I asked.

“That which makes us vampire.”

“Like actual hocus pocus magic? Witches and wizards and stuff?”

“Yup. Witches. No wizards, though. Don’t really know why. “Witch” is gender neutral. They’ve always been progressive like that.” Richard mused.

“So someone cast a spell on me?” My head was reeling.

“No. The original vampire was created by a spell.” Shaw said.

“Allegedly.” Zinnia added, rearranging some of Shaw’s papers.

“No, no, Vampirism is a…” Richard began.

“It’s not a virus.” Everyone else said in unison.

“Look, blood born pathogens have been shown…”

“It is magic.” Shaw ended that conversation tangent.

I got up and started pacing. “Great. Just great. Vampires and magic. And Witches. Just great. Next thing you’ll be telling me, werewolves are real too.”

“Well….”

“Nope,” I covered my ears, prepared to stick my fingers in and “la la la,” my way out of this like a toddler. “Nope, absolutely not. I don’t need to know about other super natural creatures right now.”

“Vampires bond. There’s no real equivalent in the mortal world. It’s a tie, a metaphysical link between people.” Shaw seemed undaunted by my absolute panic over the supernatural.

“Are all vampires bound?”

“Hell no.” Gonzales grumbled.

“Bonded.” Shaw corrected me. “There are a couple different bonds. Most vampires bond with a Patron.”

“What’s a p…” I was cut off as they all spoke at once.

“Mob boss.” Said Zinnia. “Feudal Prince” came from Richard. “Pains in the ass” was Gonzo’s take.

“Vampire society is highly ordered into a family like structure. With a Patron at the top, bonded to all the vampires in the family. It provides a level of protection and order…”

“And control.”

“See, the troubles started during the Inquisition, but really got going during the Napoleonic wars in about eighteen..”

“Now is not the time for a history lesson, Dick.” Aurora quipped, sending Richard into a fit of barely contained grumbles.

“Vampires bond into a family with a blood oath to a Patron.”

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