Page 50 of Orc's Pretend Mate

Vapas’ arms become rocks, anchoring, and making me feel safe. And from this island of safety he creates, I can stop holding back and ignoring the past. It floods through like a rising tide, which I’ve only seen in old Earth vids. Memories like waves that crash against the rock that is him.

Todd manipulated and used me. He made me feel less. Yes, it was subtle and yes, it was wrong, but also, I went along. I never said no. I could have, but I was so scared he’d leave me. And Isodesperately didn’t want to be alone.

He had my heart but that was never enough, not for him. He wanted my soul. And when it went too far, when I couldn’t take it anymore, he took what he wanted without hesitation.

It doesn’t matter that I didn’t say no. I tried to, but he kept twisting my words, twisting what I said to suit him. Gaslighting me. Saying I did things I didn’t do. Manipulating my emotions. Then when he was done using me, taking all I had to give, he left.

I see it, now, in a way I never could before. All this time I felt I was wrong. I was the one who didn’t do enough for him, couldn’t make myself okay with all his perverse needs and desires. But it wasn’t me. It was him.

I should never have gone along with any of it. That was my mistake. Thinking my love for him made it okay. That it would all work out because we really loved one another. That he loved me every bit as much as I did him.

I believed. Even after he left, I held onto hope. Hope that he would come back. That all I had given him and all he had said to me wasn’t a lie. Leaving me stuck in this headspace where now I can’t give or receive the love that I desperately want.

Yes. I can. The past is over.

My tears run dry and I’m here. Safe, or as safe as I can be. What Vapas just did, pulling back when he was right there, again. His strength of will, it speaks volumes as to the man he is. And that man is the one I thought he was.

The kind of man I deserve.

“Vapas,” I say, easing my death grip on his waist and drying my eyes.

He runs his hands through my hair and when I look into his face, all I see is love. My heart skips and then it feels as if my chest will explode.

“Yes?” he whispers, his voice soft.

“I am sorry,” I say. He opens his mouth and I know he’s going to protest. He doesn’t have to say the words because I know him and I know what they will be. Before he can I place my finger on his lips. “No. Listen. Please.”

He nods solemnly. I step out of his arms and walk over to my chair at the table. Looking around I spot the bottle of alcohol and the mugs. They lie halfway across the room where they rolled after he flung them off the table. I smile and go to retrieve them.

The bottle remains intact but one of the mugs has a new chip. Shrugging, I carry them to the table. Vapas remains where he was, watching in an easy, unexpectant silence.

After pouring some into both mugs, I motion to his chair, inviting him to sit. He does so without breaking the moment. I need to tell him. Talk this out and hope he will understand.

He will. I know he will. That’s who he is. The man I deserve.

“I was with a man, he was my…” I trail off because there isn’t a word for fiancé in Zmaj. “My intended?”

“Your mate?” he asks.

“Yes and no,” I say. “He was, but we weren’t… committed. Humans are different than Zmaj and… well, I think Urr’ki. I don’t know but your dragoste seems very similar to their ‘treasure’.”

He grunts shaking his head.

“They are nothing alike. Zmaj,” he spits the name, “you do not own your dragoste. She is your partner, your heart, but she is her own. Treasure. Bah.”

My smile spreads so wide it makes my cheeks hurt.

“I never thought of it that way.”

He shrugs, shakes his head.

“Zmaj are stupid,” he says. “They know nothing.”

I’m not going to argue the point with him. The entire reason the other girls and I were sent here was to better understand Urr’ki culture. Our human leader, Rosalind, is looking for common ground between them and the Zmaj. All in a hopefully not vain attempt to stop the coming war.

“We humans… we don’t have dragoste,” I say. “Well, we do, sort of, but it’s more of a fable, or so I always believed. We did have rituals though, around a couple coming together.”

“Rituals are good. They tie you to the past while creating the future.”

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